Buh Bye for now

Saturday we dropped Grammy off at the airport.  It was bittersweet.

I had a hard time gauging her enjoyment while she was here.  I didn't know if she was comfortable being away from home for 9 days.  She left a lot of troubles behind, mostly just a drop everything and run situation.  So I couldn't tell if she was eager to get back to it, or glad to be away from it.

When we said goodbye at the airport, I could tell she was glad to have been away.  I noticed some tears in her eyes.  I tried my best to hide mine.  I'm never good at goodbye. 

I'm hoping she enjoyed a little time to herself.  Someone to pamper her and look after her, instead of the other way around.  She thanked me again and again for going above and beyond for her.  She's my grandmother, she's my elder, that's what you are suppose to do.  She's family.

I think family is important and so does she.  But over time, families spread apart and time passes and lives go on and family gets forgotten.  You get wrapped up in what your little family is doing and you forget about grandmothers, uncles, aunts, cousins.

We don't have family reunions anymore.  The holidays are spent close to your home and not travelling to see extended family.  I miss that sometimes.  Its always fun to reconnect and reminisce about life.  Weddings and funerals are about the only time those happen anymore and there is usually so many other things going on that its hard to just sit down and chat.

I'll always cherish the week Grammy spent with us.  I hope in the future that she will be able to do it again.  I don't know how her health will go, so I don't know if it will be possible again. 

I do know that I will most likely see her again this summer.  Jerry is getting married and she is hoping to come.  As long as she has some one to drive her (or make travel arrangements for her!). I can't wait and I'm already looking forward to it!

Its a Bird, its a plane.. its just Grammy.

Grammy took us up on our offer to come for Christmas.  This summer, she booked herself a ticket and all was done.

I noticed last week in some email conversations that she had her departure day wrong.  She thought she was leaving Friday, when the ticket said Thursday.  No biggie, but a scramble to get things together.

She made it to the airport ok.  Off she went into the wild blue yonder.

I arrived at the airport a few minutes early to get her.  Something in my gut told me to look at her itinerary, I wanted to check the arrival time to see how much time I did have to wait.

Sitting in the car, I saw it, and my gut sank.  It said Greenville, but it didn't say GSP.  Grammy had flown to Greenville, NC and she didn't know it.

I quickly called my Dad.  What else are you suppose to do.  I had 15 minutes before she was suppose to land.  He suggested calling the airport.  I also tried calling her cell phone several times, but she was in flight, so I knew she wouldn't answer.

I started to panic.  What is she suppose to do?  She's 81.  She's in a place that's not near anyone she knows.  She's all alone. 

I called the airport and got stuck in a mess of a answering service.  I spoke with several people who couldn't help me, but directed me to a line that wasn't anything but a message to leave a message.  I didn't want to leave a message, I wanted to speak with someone!

Finally, I got Grammy, and I broke the news.  She didn't seem too upset.  She spent the next hour and a half trying to get back to Charlotte so I could pick her up.  She was having a hard time with the airline that booked her flight, getting anything changed.  The Greenville, NC airport, was very helpful though.  We still aren't certain exactly what she got charged or what happened, but I told her we would sort it out later.

I drove the 2 hours north to pick her up.  I waited in the baggage area for a long time, pacing, panicking, till she called me and told me where she was.  I tried not to run to her, but I walked pretty swiftly.  I was so excited to see her.  She looked so excited to see me.

We loaded up her luggage and headed 2 hours back.

We got home around 10pm.  It took her 16 hours to get to me.  Twice what it would have taken to drive.

We settled in for the night and I told her we would sort out her return trip the next day.

The next day, I called a travel agent friend for advice.  She suggested calling the airline and begging.  That didn't sound exciting to me at all.  She said the most they could do it allow her to board at her connecting flight in Charlotte.  I really didn't want to make the 4 hour trek again.

I looked up one way flights and found that they were pretty reasonable.  So we booked it.  The only problem was the only flight out on Friday was late and she didn't want to get back to Pittsburgh at midnight.   She she agreed to stay one more day and go home Saturday.  Done!

It was a very stressful event and she handled it with calm and coolness.  Not once did she show signs of panic, or appear upset.  It was a simple mistake, that none of us caught on to.  My dad told me once"Shit Happens"  You just get over it and move on.  Its not the end of the world.  I think he learned that from Grammy.

Verbal explosion

Something happened over the weekend.  Maybe I just made myself more aware, maybe the light went off, but it seems that Abby has more to say these days.

As I was changing her diaper this weekend, I noticed her jabbering and pointing at her face.  When I listened to what she was saying, you could hear her little voice saying "nose, nose, nose".  She was pointing at her nose and telling me.  So I told her she was right and asked her where her eye was, and she pointed to her eye, and said "eye".

She's mastered hi and buh-bye.  Buh-bye could also be baby.  The girls in her class are obsessed with baby dolls. One has one she sleeps with and all the others want to play with it when nap time is over.  Abby will find her dolls around the house and carry it.  You can sing "Rock A Bye Baby" to her and she will rock her baby.

She is still just on the cusp of Mama and Dada.  She can say Bub Bub, which is Bubbie. 

She can say No, but I don't think she grasp what that means.  She will turn her head, or pushing something away if she doesn't want it, so she has her own opinions.

She knows Ut Oh and uses it whenever she drops something.

She often babbles, looking at you seriously like you should know what she's talking about.  We often reciprocate with something we've made up. She seems content with that and carries on.

I love watching her language develop.  It makes things so much easier than trying to read her mind. I know once she starts talking, she probably won't be quiet!

Hello there bearded man

We took Abby to see Santa this weekend.  Her experiences this year have been hit or miss.  We are 1 and 1 on the tears when spotting Santa.  I didn't know what to expect from the "official" visit, but I didn't hold my breath.

We planned to go Sunday afternoon.  I wanted to make sure she had a nap, and was fed.  We arrived at the mall around 4.  I lingered in a few shops till the boys were able to meet up.  (I should have gone straight to the line).

We waited in line for over an hour.  An hour.. for a toddler, who cannot speak, to see a man she has no idea about!  But its more the memories, right?!?!

When we on deck, Gene began to play with her and get her excited.  We were ushered into Santa's area.  I walked in with her and talked to Santa.  She clung to me, but would look at him.  I got down on my knees so she could see him better.  I slowly transitioned her over to his knee and then I backed away so they could take her picture.

She sat there dumbfounded.  Afraid to move, or smile.  They encouraged me to try a tickle, so I did.  Instant smile.  But she wasn't looking at the camera.  I try again, and Bingo! 

Priceless!

I run over to praise her and we talk some to Santa.  He promises her she will get all the things she wants this year. 

I get my prints and we head home. 

She's out before we leave the mall parking lot.

And I was one happy mama! 

I wouldn't have cared if she had a meltdown, but she's so personable with everyone.  Her Santa picture fits her.  That is the Abby that everyone knows and loves.

 

Merry Christmas Abby!

 

A kid in a candy store

You wanna know how to wind a toddler up....

Take them to a book store and then tell them they can't touch the books!

Abby and I went in search of a gift at Books A Million.  I didn't think anything of it until we got inside and she started pointing and grunting. 

Uh.. Uh... Uh...

Toddler speak for "Look Mama,  I want that!"

She wasn't content until I gave her a book to hold.  Which she then went apeshit on me when I took it away from her so we could pay for it.  Good thing I had my keys handy to distract her.

Shes discovered a love for books.  She doesn't sit still long enough to read through them, but she loves to look at them and turn the pages.

I think its time to start going to the library.

The Sound of Music

Its no secret that Abby has always enjoyed music.  Last Christmas she enjoyed the many decorations I have that light up and play music.  She mostly just stared at them, but I knew she was enjoying them.

This year she wants to touch and play with them all the time.  Her favorites are our Peanuts Band set and a Snowman Band set.  Each set has four characters.  Each character has two of its own carols that it starts and the other band mates join in.  The snowmen dance around while they play.

We put them up where she couldn't get them.  I just worried she would destroy them.  But she knew where they were.  (We scattered the peanuts throughout the living room, but the snowmen we together on a side table).  After watching her struggle to get a snowman off the table to see it, I finally gave in and let her have one to hold. 

She immediately brings it over to you and wants you to play it.  We're currently teaching her how to play it herself.  She knows she has to push the front, but isn't clear that there is a small button to push. 

She listens to it.  Sometimes she dances to the music.  Then she brings it back to you to play again.

I love watching her get excited over the little things. 

Lucky 13

I'm a little late with this... just a few days.

You are no longer just a year old, you are now 13 months!  I feel like your birthday was so long ago. 

You continue to light up our lives every single day.  You awake with a smile, and you go to bed with a smile.  You actually have started asking to go to bed.  You will walk into your room and point to your bed.  We can set you in your crib, turn out the lights, and that's all it takes.  You get yourself situated and your out!  We haven't had to come to your rescue in the night either.  You can find your pappy and put yourself right back to sleep.

You've perfected walking.  You walk everywhere!  Non-stop! Its so cute to watch you go.  You are getting faster, but you haven't quite gotten to a run yet.  I know its not long.

You're favorite word is Dog.  Its really your only word.  You can sign for more, but you can only say dog.  You must say it a million times a day.  You got to meet your cousin puppy, Holley at thanksgiving and at first you were scared, but as soon as you saw how soft and sweet she was, that's all you wanted. DOG!  DOG!  You love petting Woody.  Although, he hasn't quite warmed up to you yet.  You have been very gentle with him, so I think he's just a little shy.  Once he realized you will pet his belly any time you want, he might warm up!

You continue to be a good eater.  You loved Thanksgiving dinner.  You ate everything on your plate.  You especially loved the pumpkin whoopee pie for dessert.  I would say your favorite food is avocado.  I can demolish half of one in no time.  You also love blueberries, and edamame.  You are a sucker for snacks.  You know where they are on the counter and you will go over and point for them.  Veggie straws and puffs are favorites, but goldfish and graham crackers might be taking over. 

You are still a tiny tot.  Although, I can see some of your 9 months clothes getting short.  It just depends on the brand.  12 month things still swallow you up.

You love the bath tub.  You've discovered you can splash and it makes you giggle.   You also love the bubbles in the tub.  You could play in it all day if it didn't get cold.  I can't wait till the summer and the swimming pool.  I should go ahead and look into swimming lessons!

Christmas is coming.  You've been so good with the tree.  You like to look at it and you are very good about not touching it.  We tried to baby proof it as much as possible.  The tinsel always catches your eye and you love to grab some and wave it around.  You've been a very good girl this year and I'm sure Santa will bring you lots of good things.  Grammy is coming again this Christmas.  This year she will be here for an entire week, so you can have lots of Grammy time!

Speaking of baby proof- we've have to secure most all of the kitchen cabinets.  One by one you've discovered you can get into them and what treasures you can take out.  We let it go for a while but after cleaning up a million koozies for the millionth time, I called it quits.  Sorry to ruin your fun, but you'll understand one day.

You've learned to blow kisses and give hugs.  You like to sit in peoples laps and you love to bring us books to read.  Nana got you Highlights magazine for your birthday and you love to read it... over and over.. and over. Its your favorite toy right now. 

I'm amazed every day at how much you learn and how much you change.  Its such a delight to see and experience.  You are so inquisitive and expressive. I'm thankful everyday to have you in my life.

Test Run

Last night at church, Santa stopped by for a visit.  I took Abby to see how she would do.   We are planning to go to the mall to see Santa and take fancy pictures, but I was curious to see how see would act.

She's not afraid of strangers.  And strangers with glasses and a beard don't bother her.  That's what Grandpa looks like. 

We were sitting in the back of the fellowship hall when I heard him enter.  I watched her face.  Her eyes got big.  Then she followed him as went to sit by the tree to read a story.  She sat contently as he read the story.  Not moving at all, just watching him.

We waited for the older kids to sit on his lap and say hello.  She continued to watch him. 

She sat on his lap with no problems.  She even smiled at me and my camera. Not one peep out of her.

I hope the real thing goes that smoothly.  I don't have a plan for that yet.  We will probably go next week after work.  Weekends are always busy this time of year.  JJ wants to go with us, so I will need to coordinate that.  I doubt he will sit with her, but its good to have him there just in case. 

Dog

Its safe to say Abby's first word was dog.  Not mama, or dada.  The only person she knows in the house is the dog.

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, we got to meet my brother's new puppy.  At first, Abby was scared of the dog. She jumped back and clung to me as she whimpered.  But slowly she warmed up to her and that was all it took.  The rest of the weekend... "Dog"  "Dog".  She would see it and then point toward it.  "Dog"

She would squat down next to her and pat her.  Then she would try to lay on her and hug her. 

The poor pup was probably ready to go home away from the arms of a toddler.

Abby has also taken to her own dog.  Although the dog hasn't taken to her.  She sees him sitting somewhere and she toddles toward him.  Only for him to jump up and go somewhere else.  Which makes her change direction and follow him.  She loves to pat him and hug him.  She tries to climb on him, but not ride him.

Its fun to watch her be independent and try new things.  We try to let the relationship between the two work itself out.  Woody occasionally growls at her, but he's never once snapped.  He has knocked her down a time or two, but they are learning to share and share their living space.  That will just take time.

On the road again

We've put some miles on the car lately.  We've been to Columbia for soccer, Asheville to visit a friend, Charleston for soccer (notice a trend!).  We we leave tomorrow for Charleston again.

I can't be happier with how well Abby does in the car.  She mostly sleeps.  She'll usually fall asleep right away.  Sometimes it takes a little coaxing.  Even though we are trying to limit the pacifier, sometimes in the car we allow it, if its helping her to fall asleep.  She usually sleeps the entire time, no matter the distance.  She then wakes up perky and ready to go.  (Usually hungry!)

I had been worried that the extended napping would make bed time a problem.  But she goes to bed with no problems after a day of travel.  Even travelling in the evenings.  She slept the entire way to Charleston last weekend, was up for a little bit to eat dinner and socialize, but then went to bed and slept through the night. 

I don't know any different, but I have to say this is pretty enjoyable.  It makes travelling so much less stressful.  I hope she continues to travel like this.  We've got some miles to go this spring (yeah soccer!)

Knock on Wood

I was thinking back the other day, and I realized we made it the entire first year without any ear infections!  (For Abby of course, I am a different story!)

Being pregnant, I was prepared for the worst when it came to the ears. Both Gene and I had terrible ears as child.  (I apparently still do).  Anytime she would get a fever and be fussy, everyone would tell me it must be her ears, even though it wasn't.

I think we survived the first year without any major illnesses.  We had our share of sniffles, but she's handled those like a champ.  She still happily plays and eats and sleeps well when she's not 100%.  We've had several colds, but nothing that's turned major. 

I'm hoping this winter is similar.  I'm hoping Abby inherited Gene's amazing immune system.  I seem to catch anything, even at the thought. His is much stronger and doesn't seemed to be phased by the common germ. 

Let's hope for the best!

Did that really just happen?

Last night started out like any other night.  We got home a little later, so we went straight to dinner time.  Abby enjoyed eating some avocado, ham, and Swiss cheese pieces.  She made a mess of herself and needed to go to the bath. (She had syrup in her hair from lunch, so it was bath time regardless of the avocado mess).

She enjoyed bath time with Daddy.  I folded her laundry in her room and listened in on bath time.  It as really cute to hear them together in there. 

Once bath time was over, we let her play for a while.  It was still early, so not quite bedtime yet. 

She wondered around the living room, moving from toy to toy.  She stopped for a while to finish her sippy cup of milk.  I could tell she was getting tired because she put her head down on the towel we used to wipe up her milk spills.  But, it was still a little early, so I let her play some more.

Then, all of a sudden, she tottered off to her room.  I went to get her some Tylenol for her teeth before we settled into bed.  While I was in the kitchen I heard her whimper.  Gene went to see about her.  When I came around to her room, he was empty handed.  I asked where she was and he said she was in the bed.  That when he got to her, she was at the crib, raising her hands up, and crying.  So he put her in the bed!

I gave her the Tylenol, tucked Meme the monkey close to her, and pulled the blanket up and that was it.  Night Night Abby.

I looked at Gene afterward with serious concern.  Did our child just ask to go to bed? Do children even do that?

I wonder if she will do that again? 

Her teeth have been hurting, and I know there is not much you can do except to wait it out.  She woke up several times in the night crying.  She found a paci and went right back to sleep.  But you could tell from the cry she was in pain.  I hate seeing her like that.  I try to do what I can to soothe the pain.  We've tried to be more lenient on the pacifier use because we think its helping her.  She knows how to go to the crib and if she can reach it, she will pull it out.  It makes her quiet, and happy.  The only other thing that seems to do that is food.  And I'm not teaching my child to pacify her pains with food. 

We are only on teeth three and four.  I can't imagine the pain with the rest.  I can only hope that she's getting several right now and that's the reason.  Or maybe this is just her, and its not teeth.  I don't know.

I guess we just have to wait and see.

Not a morning person

Abby is not a morning person.  Not at all.  I guess that's genetic too, since neither Gene and I are.

She's in no rush in the mornings to eat breakfast.  She likes to take her time. Which is hard for me, because I want to sleep as long as I can. But I need to give her time to eat, and not be rushed. 

We've just never found the breakfast grove.  With dinner, I know if she sits there long enough, she will eventually eat all that's on her tray.  It might take a while, but it will go in her mouth. 

We've always struggled with time, and getting her a bottle, or solids, and dressed and out the door.  Its not a big deal.

I'm never late to work, or at least not late enough to get caught, or reprimanded for it.

I know they say they will eat when they are hungry, and I worry about dropping her off at daycare hungry.  I know they have a morning snack, so she doesn't have to wait long to get something to eat. I just wish I had all the time in the world for her in the mornings.

1 new voicemail

I knew the call was coming, and I knew it would be soon.  Its been a week.  I had been away from my desk and when I came back I saw the missed call, with a voicemail.

Then I listened to the voicemail and it said to call in.  So I hesitated, and I ready for this, is now a good time. 

I took a deep breath and dialed.  My breathing started to get faster as my heart raced. I followed the commands to speak to the right person.

She nicely told me my results were in and it was just an atypical mole.  It wasn't cancer!  I just needed to keep an eye on the spot and make sure non of the pigmentation came back.  They were able to get it all, so there should be nothing to worry about.

I finally took a breath.

I don't ever want to feel that way again.  I will be more diligent about sunscreen on myself, and my family. 

I'm going to go home tonight and hug my family a little tighter. 

How long has this one been here?

I went to the dermatologist last week.  Its something I've been putting off for a long time, a really long time.  But I decided that enough is enough and I made an appointment. (That's the first step right?)

I went with a few curious moles in mind.  They had appeared at some point, and I wanted piece of mind.

I met with the PA. She was a nice woman.  Slightly older than me, tall, and had great skin (go figure!).

I explained to her why I was there and she told me she would look me over from head to toe. 

We talked while she looked.

She got to my abdomen, and stopped.  She asked, "What about this one, how long has it been there?"

That was not one of  my curious ones.  I didn't know about that one.  It didn't look much different than some of the others.  It was black, round, about the size of  pen tip. 

She said she didn't like the looks of it.  She wouldn't say what it was or if it was anything.  I know they don't want to tell you something and then it be different.  I tell patients that all day long.  I know its a fine line of trying not to freak someone out, but making sure they are well informed of the potential possibilities.

But I can't help but freak out.  It will be a week tomorrow.  They said the biopsy could take 2 weeks or more.

She hinted that she didn't think it was much of anything, but you NEVER know.  And right now I don't know and I'm worried.  It doesn't help that I'm no longer on the anxiety meds.  I haven't reached pinnacle points like I have in the past.  I'm still eating, I haven't broken out in a sweat thinking about it, but it is on my mind, a lot.

Its my own fault.  I've delayed this for a long time.  I've been careless in the sun, more than once.  I lived in the pool as a child, and I hardly ever remember putting on sunscreen.  I worked as a lifeguard and I don't think I used sunscreen the entire summer.  (I told myself that once I tan, I don't burn).

Who knows if I've done any damage.  We will have to continue to wait and see.  This is certainly a scare enough to make sure that I'm protected in the sun, as well as everyone else that I love.  Its not that hard to apply sunscreen.  Especially with the spray on kind.

I just need to take deep breathes.

Smarty pants

Maybe I'm biased, maybe its just that she's the same as everyone else, but she's my only so I don't know.

But Abby is pretty damn smart.

She knows things, she remembers things, she can initiate things without asking.

Examples:
In the morning, when we are getting dressed, she gets antsy so I give her things to play with to distract her while I try to wrangle her into some clothing.  There isn't much by, but I've given her both the brush and the comb to play with.  Immediately, she takes them to her head and starts moving them over her hair.  Of course, she doesn't have it quite right, but she knows those implements go in her hair. 

She knows where the snacks are.  And she will ask for them.  And if you move them, she will know, and she will tell you.  I put a can of cheese puffs on the counter the other day.  She saw me and she demanded (hahaha) that she have some.  So I gave her a few and sent her on her way.  A few minutes later she was pulling at the cabinets.  I thought she was just playing, but I moved her away so she wouldn't get hurt.  But she went right back and started to fuss.  Then I realized that she wanted more puffs.  So I gave her some and she toddled away happily. 

I caught her the other day trying to climb up the side of the crib.  She was grunting at something.  She wanted the paci that was in it.  She couldn't see it, but she knew it was in there.  We are weaning from day time use of the paci, so that was a no go, but a good try.

She asks everyday when we get home for dog and dada.  They usually aren't home yet, but its the first thing she says when we get out of the car.

She loves to play peek a boo.  And if you say "peek a boo" she will hold her hands up to her face and then pull them away and laugh.  Sometimes she will just do it on her own without you saying it.  And if you don't say it when she does it, you better watch it.  She will grunt at you until you do.  Doing it again and again till you say something.

I've tried a little sign language, but the only one that's caught on is more.  At dinner time, I usually only put a few things on her tray at a time, to reduce what Woody gets to eat.  When she's ready, she will grunt and kick and point at the stuff on the bar.  I will sign for more, and she will sign back.  I'm looking for the moment when she signs instead of grunts, or at least while grunting.

I think Gene and I are fairly intelligent, so it wouldn't surprise me that she would be smart.  I think we are both also very intuitive.  Which is a great life skill to have.  I would rather have street smarts over book smarts any day, but a good balance is optimal.

I can't wait to see what else she learns.  I eager to teach her new things, but I'm not sure what!  I know repetition is key.  Her language skills are coming along, although they are still minimal.  She's back to more of the dada sounds and less of the mama sounds.  She can say them if you ask her to.  I'm waiting for her to learn the e sound and that should open the door of her vocabulary.   

One

Today, Abby, is your birthday.

At 6:13 this morning, you turned one.  One year old.

Its been an amazing year.  You've taught me so many things.  I never knew I could love something so much.  That I would do anything for one little person.  We've learned together, and we made it.  They say the first year is the hardest, and I hope so.

You are such a happy child.  You are starting to show a diva personality.  I can tell you got my tenacity, but you're fathers determination.  You study things intently and you learn quickly.  You love people, music, Woody, Bubbie, and veggie straws.  You hate having your face wiped and your diaper changed.

We took you to the doctor for your check up today.  You are up to 17 pounds 10 ounces.  You are in the 18% now!  You are 27.75 inches long- the 9%.  You are growing, slowly and at your own pace.  (I don't know where you would get that from... maybe both parents!).  You still are wearing 9 month clothes.  We moved up to size 3 diapers last week. They are big, but the 2's just weren't holding it all in anymore.  You wear a size 3 shoe.  You love your converse kicks that Nana bought you. 

You don't crawl anywhere any more.  Its all walking.  You got several toys you can walk behind for your birthday, and you love those.  You figured out how to make then work really quick.  You also love it when Joejee pushes you on them.  The wind in your hair and the smile on your face is priceless!  I can't wait to see how much more fun the two of you have together.

You love to sit at the table and eat.  There isn't anything we give you that you don't like.  I know that will probably change soon, but at least for now you are a good eater.  You love meat.  Turkey and hot dogs are your favorite.  You love green beans, peas, honey dew, strawberries.  You'll snack on anything, but veggie straws are your favorite.  You love to pull them across your two teeth.

Hopefully there are more teeth in there.  I thought they were going to come through a few weeks ago, but nothing yet.  If you are teething, you are handling it like a champ!  We get to try some fluoride treatments now, and I'll make you an appointment to see the dentist for the first time!

The holidays are coming up and I can't wait to see how you react to it all.  I think you'll love the lights and the music.  Grammy is coming to spend time with you.  We will go visit Santa and Santa will come to our house and leave you lots of presents.  We will bake and eat cookies.  We will do so many fun things together, I just can't wait!

Abby, when I started this blog, I was in a very sad time in my life.  I was having a hard time imagining I would ever get to be a mom and feel the way I do today.  You have made that time just a faded memory now.  I live each day for you and your well being.  I'm grateful everyday for the miracle you are.

It's my party

Yesterday was the big day.  The first birthday party was finally here.

And I was a ball of stress.

I felt overwhelmed to have this beautiful pinterest worthy party, and it wasn't happening.  But, I knew that all that didn't matter.  I had everything we needed and nobody cared about everything else.

The day started off early.  Getting up and getting the house organized.  Getting the cake from Publix.  The lady at the bakery was smitten with Abby and loved making her smile.  Her cake was beautiful.  Just like I had asked for.  Pretty in pink.

We got home and started setting things up in the yard.  Table clothes out, flowers on the table, cake placed on the prettiest stand.  I hung up a banner I made with each photo of the watch me grow sessions.  I completed the last one on Saturday.  Not quite 12 months, but close enough.  I might do some again since Grampa wasn't being helpful and I was trying to keep her in the chair and not worrying about the picture.

I tired to get Abby to nap, but she wasn't down with that.  She did have quiet time in her crib for 45 minutes but she never closed her eyes.  Every time someone would come in the door, she would stir.  She knew there was excitement going on.  I gave her credit for playing independently for that short time.

But during that time, the stress came to a boil and I fell apart. I had worked so hard to create a photo collage on the mantel.  Some of the frames were precariously placed.  Gene had asked his mom to bring a one year photo of himself to display next to mine (and Abby's).  It got put in a place that wasn't perfect (in my mind).  In the process of reorganizing and resetting things, the entire display fell off the mantel.  Crashing to the ground, breaking the centerpiece frame. 

Others rushed to the rescue, but I didn't want help.  I didn't need help.  Help is what got me in that position.

So I picked up the pieces.  Trying not to just cry like a baby.  My dad came in to help me.  I decided it wasn't worth the fight anymore and I let him help me.  We hot glued the frame back together and I started to rebuild my masterpiece.  Again, it all crashed to the ground.  This time, breaking the glass in the frame of baby Gene.  At that point I decided that the photos of us were not meant to be in the collage and I took them off the mantel.  It was just bad juju.

I picked up all the pieces again and carried on.  The party went off without any more hitches. 

Abby still didn't care for cake, but she warmed up to it.  She preferred the chocolate cake over the vanilla.  She liked to have little pieces to pick up, rather than one large monstrosity. She loved having people sing to her.  She claps her hands and smiles really big.

We cleaned up and headed inside to open presents.  I think she was in awe of all the new things.  She wasn't interested in taking the paper off many things.  She wanted to play with the ones that were already unwrapped. She got several ride on toys.  And several toys that make music.  She loves those and dances to the music.

Once everyone left, she finally crashed.  She was worn out and it showed.  I woke her up after and hour or so, just so she would sleep at bedtime.  She didn't want to get up, but she eventually came around.  We ate dinner, played a little, then got a bath to get all the sticky off. 

I think she enjoyed herself.  I can't believe that tomorrow my baby will be one year old.  I think we should raise a glass to that!

Cheers!

Last of the 1sts

Last night was Abby's last of 1st. Yesterday was her first Halloween.

I found a lamb costume online and thought it was the cutest thing and had to have it for Abby. When it came, we tried it on a few times to get her use to it. It involved a hat and at first she didn't like it, but she didn't pull at it once last night. And it was on for several hours!

Her class had a party that day. She was happy and wired when I picked her up. We headed home to get dressed and ready to show her off. I wasn't really interested in trick or treating with her, I just wanted people to see her dressed up.

Once dressed, we headed with the grandparents over to their church for the trunk or treat. Shirley had a good time showing her off to her friends. Abby is so pleasant, she smiled at all the people. She was enthralled with everything going on. She is SO a people watcher.

After that we headed up Brown Avenue. We weren't going to go to every house, but there were a few I wanted her to visit. She did great with the crowds and meeting new people. It was a zoo and there were hundreds of people walking up and down the street. We finished our visiting and headed to our last spot, the Dorn's.

Abby was glad to be back with a crowd that she knew. She enjoyed socializing in the kitchen and munching on munchies. We stayed well past her bed time and she didn't fuss one bit. She did get antsy at times, but I think that's more with her new found skill of walking.

Once we got home, she immediately passed out. I think she enjoyed her 1st Halloween.

I'm sad that these events are coming to an end. Next Tuesday the year rolls over and its the start of 2nds. They won't be like the firsts, so its a new experience all over again. I'm looking forward to watching her eat turkey and stuffing on thanksgiving. I'm looking forward to decorating the Christmas tree, but not the bottom 2 feet! I'm looking forward to her opening presents on Christmas morning, especially with her great grandmother there to help her.

I've said it a million times, but I can't believe how fast the year went. Sunday is her birthday party. 365 days from the day we went to the hospital and found out she would be born the next day. It's been an amazing journey. One that keeps getting better as we go. I love how its changed our lives, I wouldn't change it for anything.

For now, maybe I need to just sit back and enjoy a glass of lemonade.

The part they don't tell you about

A friend of mine had a baby two weeks ago. She messaged me yesterday to ask about breast pumps and she commented on how hard it was and nobody tells you about it.

Its true. They don't tell you how hard its going to be. Its physically and mentally exhausting. I didn't blog much the 12 weeks I was off on maternity because I didn't have the time or the energy. I had a baby that wouldn't let me put her down to do much at all. It wasn't a relaxing time, it was a very stressful and trying time.

I'm sure I'm not the first mother, or the last to think "what have I gotten myself into?" You feel horrible for thinking it, but its true. You really can reach your breaking point.

I thought about why us mothers don't share this experience. I think the excitement of a first time mother is something special. You would be called the Debbie downer if you actually told her how terrible it could be. And then again, you have those mothers who seem to have the perfect baby and make it seem so easy. It made me think I was the only one like struggling. Its a hard subject to bring up.

Every one thinks babies are so cute and adorable. They are, but not all the time. I'll admit that I didn't enjoy the tiney tiny infant stage. I just didn't feel like I knew what I was doing, and it was really hard to ask what to do because no one can give you a straight answer. Every baby is different.

The almost toddler stage. I like this part. Abby and I seemed to have figured each other out. I understand when she's hungry, wet, or just tired. She's a lot more expressive and interactive. And, she sleeps. Which helps... a ton! Everyone is much more pleasant with enough sleep.

Its cliche, but it does get better. And its hard because nobody can tell you when, but just know at some point it will and it will be wonderful!

Believe

This morning I opened my jewelry box and picked out a necklace I hadn't worn in while. It had gotten push aside, crumpled in to a little heap towards the back of the box. But this morning, I chose it. And once I put it on, I remembered how powerful it was.

This morning I put on my believe necklace. One that I wore many times during the darkest of times, and one I wore many times during the 40 weeks of unknown. But we are approaching a year, and its a good reminder to myself of the long road I've come down.

Everything changed a year ago and dreams became reality. Everything that we had worked so hard for, and prayed so hard for, had come true. I was a mother. We were a family. I knew that it was all possible because I never stopped believing that it could happen.

I snuggled with Abby last night while she drifted to sleep, counting my blessings with each breath that she took. I soaked it in, and I know the next year will go as fast as the first. She will grow up, and she will have hopes and dreams of her own. I can only hope that I can instill in her the same willingness to believe in herself, and in her faith, that things will happen. Maybe not always as planned, but maybe I can also teach her not to be the OCD planner that I am, and relax sometimes.

Magical Vision

I'll admit that I spend too much of my day on the Internet. I have down time at work, and that the only thing I have to do. So I see a lot of things. I get inspired to do a lot of things. Some good, some bad.

One of the things I knew I always wanted to do when I had children was a cake smash photo session. The kids always looked so cute sticking their little fingers in the cake, rubbing it all over themselves. I thought it would be easy. I can make a cake. I can take a pretty picture. Done!

I started planning to do this with Abby about a month ago. I carefully looked for a time when I knew she would be happy, and the light would be good. It worked out that a weekend came available, so I penciled it in. I began to worry because they weather for the weekend had shifted and it was going to be chilly. The only space I had to take these photos was outside. So, I pushed things back a day, giving the weather a chance to warm up. Which it did... yeah!

I carefully made a cake. I'm not a great decorator, but I borrowed a large cupcake pan from a friend, thinking that would be easier to frost than a cake. Wrong.... I skimped, trying to use up things in the pantry, so I used canned frosting. I knew I should have made butter cream. The frosting was way to soft to pipe onto the cake in any design fashion. Plus I colored it hot pink instead of light pink (which worked out better in the end). I thought I could chill the frosting and then pipe it. That only made it not stick to the cake. So, I ended just squeezing it out on the cake, trying to make it look like ribbon and lace. It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't pretty either. But it had to do. I stuck it in the fridge so the frosting wouldn't slide off till it was show time.

I tired to choose a time during the day that Abby was happiest. It seemed like we had reached that point, Gene was around to help, so I said lets just do this. We took everything outside and set her down, and just like that... tears. She was so upset. She didn't want to touch the cake. She didn't want anything to do with the cake. We tried to show her she could touch it. She didn't like that. We tried to show her she could eat it. She didn't like that. The only thing she did like was when Woody came over to clean up the mess we made showing her what she could do.

I somewhat expected that she wouldn't like it. I was sort of prepared that it could do like that. I'm not upset that she didn't smile and have a good time. I still captured a great memory. After we were done we played in the bathtub. Those pictures I love more than the cake pictures. I think they capture how much she loves the bath and her great, genuine, smile.

She gets her own cake at her birthday party, so we will see how she likes it then. Maybe on a different day, in a different setting, it will be ok. Or maybe not, and that's ok too.

I spoke to soon

We knew it was coming and yesterday it happened. Baby girl started walking.

I picked her up from school and she showed me what she learned that day.

I was excited that she finally did it, but disappointed that I didn't get to see the first steps. Gene thinks they should have a policy to not to tell you if milestones like that happen. And I can agree with that. I would have been nice to discover it and see it on our own, but it was just as exciting seeing her do it when I picked her up.

She's still hesitant, but I know that won't take long to get over. She'll be running around the house in no time!

So close...

We are so close to walking.... so close!

She can walk really well if you hold her hands. If just using the one finger hold, on one hand. She can motor around with a reciprocal gait really well.

But, if you leave her on her own, she's gonna slowly squat down and then crawl. Shes way to timid to take off on her own. We've tried to bribe her, but she always chickens out. She has taken maybe one step on her own, but then she got scared. Last night, I think she took one with each foot, but I screamed in delight and it scared her.

I know this means my baby is growing up. Her birthday will be here in two weeks. I can't believe it.

I paid for it, I should use it, right?

Friday was the annual church BBQ. A big fundraiser that takes all day long. I volunteer to help make the baked beans. That means getting up early to get to the Elementary school to get things going

Gene was also helping, as was his mother

I didn't think twice about taking Abby to daycare that day. Just because I'm off doesn't mean that I can't use it can I?

I had so many people ask me where she was, and why wasn't she there. She didn't need to be there. She would be into EVERYTHING. I need to help work the event, not look after the roaming baby. I even had people ask me when it got settled down to go get her! No, I'm sorry, its currently her nap time, and I'm currently enjoying not having to look after her of have her all up in everything around me.

I didn't feel guilty about taking her. She enjoyed her day, I enjoyed mine.

Cold Turkey

3 weeks ago I quit cold turkey.

I stopped taking the anxiety meds.

I felt it was time.

I originally started taking them becuase I was a ball of nerves over a new "surprise" pregnancy. I asked about coming off when I thought the newness had worn off, but I was encouraged to stay. Point taken, I did. Then I asked post partum about coming off. I was encouraged again to continue on them because of hormonal shifts. Point taken, I did.

But I felt like it was time. Things have mellowed out. I stopped breastfeeding 3 months ago. I gave it time for those hormones to balance out. I don't feel anxious about child rearing. We aren't having difficulties with anything. I didn't feel like I needed that crutch anymore. I felt like I had become void of emotions. Things should have made me sad, and although I felt sad, I didn't feel SAD. I felt like an unemotional robot.

I know I should have called the doctor, but I didn't want to be enouraged to take them anymore. Sure, I could have explained my reasoning, or found another doctor. But I didn't want to do any of those. I just wanted to see how it would go.

And its been great. I feel so much better. I feel like I have emotions. It just feels good to feel like me again.

And hopefully, some of those lingers Lb's from the pregnancy will go away too. I don't really care if they do or don't, but I can maybe hope.

one one

Baby girl you are 11 months. That means you are one month from your first birthday.

I remember this time last year. I was scurrying to get everything ready. Wondering if I had everything I would need. I would often sit in your room and rock. I would talk to you and tell you how much I love you. Often like we do at night now.

Preparations are underway for your birthday party. I hope to have all our friends and family gathered to help celebrate you, and your life.

You still are an amazement to me. You're a thinker, just like your dad. You ponder at your toys. You are quick to learn how things work (that's from me). You enjoy playing and learning new things.

You are adventurous. You love exploring new places. Either on the ground, or in your chariot. You love to look around and soak it all in (that's from both of us). You love the outdoors, but you're not sure about grass. You can crawl like a maniac and you are quick! You've learned to stand up on your own, and it won't be too long till we get those first few steps. I'm sure once you are on your feet, nothing will hold you back.

You still love to eat. You are a big girl at the table and you love trying new foods. You've become independent and you want to be able to put the food in your mouth yourself. Uncle Jerry fed you some frosting from Grampa's birthday cake. You really like it, but I think you liked that you could smear it and spread it everywhere. You are a champ at the sippy cup. I will cherish the last few days we have of the bottle. Its hard watch you grow from our little baby to a toddler.

You continue to be my peanut. You're swimming in your 9 month clothes, but you look so cute. I know we will get all winter out of them. You're probably close to 17 and half pounds. You are still in size 2 diapers. Although, I think when these run out I will move you up to the next size.

You love making sounds. You can still do Mama, and Dada. You are getting bubbie. Your newest babble is- do. Which is an attempt at dog. Sometimes it comes out as og. I think you are close to making the association of saying dog and who and what is the dog. But you love to make noise. You talk to yourself in the mirror, or the window. I think you can upset that the baby on the other side doesn't talk back.

You still love Daycare. Although it hurts my heart everyday to leave you. But you've never cried and you're always so happy to see me when I come get you. They treat you nice there and I have no complaints. I wish it was possible for me to stay home more with you. We would have fun doing our adventures during the week. We could actually enjoy grocery shopping, rather than hurrying to get done to get home for dinner and bed time.

11 months. 11 blessed months. Beautiful girl.

She's back

And she won't go away

Aunt Flow that is.

She's been hanging around for over a week now. But its not like "Hey!!! I'm here and lets party!" Its more like "Oh.. you again. I'm not sure I want to socialize with you. Today I think I'll hide, but tomorrow... lets party!"

It started as spotting. Then it went away. Then the cramps started. Then the heavy bleeding. Then it stopped. Then the cramps returned. Then the drainage returned. Then it all stopped. Then it all started again.

I feel like a teenager not knowing what's going on with my body. Its not enough for a tampon (most of the time), but too much for a panty liner. I've messed every single pair of underwear I have. I've had some near misses in my work pants.

I'm too old for this.

I'm hoping that this is it. Maybe my system will regulate now and I won't have problems like this again. After all, the Mirena does state that in most patients it reduces or eliminates your menstrual cycle. It was certainly nice not having one for 18 months.

Taken like a champ

Abby had to get her first flu shot yesterday.

She's had shots before and I've been amazed at how well she handles them. A few tears, but a big cuddly hug makes them all go away.

I wasn't concerned about the flu shot. I knew she's do ok. She does have to get an additional dose in a month, in addition to her 1 year (gulp!) vaccinations.

She sat on my lap. Daddy held down her legs. 1-2-3, little pinch. Delayed cry. Bandaid on, pants up. Big hug.... and no more crying.

Wow!

I was expecting a lot more out of her. We walked out, not even a sniffle.

Way to go Abby. I'm so proud!

First Sleepover

Abby and I spent our first night apart last weekend.

Gene and I had made plans to celebrate a friends birthday. I knew we would be out late, so I pitched the idea of a sleepover. I knew she could handle it. She's sleeping through the night. She might wake up for a pacifier, but otherwise, she's become a great sleeper. I knew there wouldn't be any problems with it.

We dropped her off at dinner time with MaeMae and Poppie. They were eager to keep her, and now that's she's more playful its easier to keep her. I gave the review of foods, bottles, and bed time routine. I gave her a big kiss and off we went.

It was harder driving away that time than the first time I left her.

We didn't stay out as late as I thought we would, and I contemplated picking her up. But I knew she was asleep and she would be fine. I should enjoy the peaceful night and the few extra moments of quiet in the morning.

I stared at the monitor before falling asleep. Empty, except for the giraffe laying there in the corner.

I woke up, ready to get in the car and go get her. Again, I tried to enjoy the peaceful moment, but it was too hard. I called to check on her, and of course, she was doing fine. She slept well, ate well, and was playing. The only problem was an accident in her jammys, which left her scooting around in her diaper.

I finally couldn't take it anymore and I went to get her. The minute she saw me she got wide eyed and made a beeline straight to me. I want to capture that smile in a bottle and keep it forever. She acted like I had never left. That made me feel good.

In two weeks we have a wedding to go to and an overnight stay is booked again. Hopefully that time it will be a little easier... for me.

Everything is coming up roses

On my way home Monday, I got a text from Abby's teacher that Abby had a rash. Bummer

When I got there, they showed it to my. She was pink and blotchy all over her stomach and back. She wouldn't be allowed to come back without a doctors note.

So I stayed home yesterday morning to take her to the peditrician. Our appointment was at 11:30. I arrived a little early, hoping to be seen a little sooner, but it didn't work out like that. We waited for 40 minutes. Thankfully Abby is a content baby and she played and ate snacks.

We discussed with the doctor her symptoms. Nothing really, she seemed ok, maybe a little fussy here and there, but nothing grossly diverging from her personality. I commented in the previous fever and we hadn't had any problems with it since Saturday night. He checked her all out. She hates the tongue depressor, but who doesn't.

She told us she has Roseola and the rash should go away in 2-3 days. Apparently its a viral thing, with the onset of a high fever, that abruptly leaves, and then is followed by a blotchy rash. Sounds like her symptoms to me! No treatments necessary, she can return to daycare immediately.

I know that daycare is a sesspool of germs. But, I'm so tired of catching everything! I hope that eventually things will level out and we won't be sick every other week. I really hate using my time off for these things, although I love being home with Abby, but I would rather take my time off and do special, fun things. Not sit at home and do chores!

Over the River and through the Woods

To Grandmother's (aka.. Nana's) house we go (went)!

This weekend Abby and I took a little visit to my parents house. It was my Dad's birthday Saturday, so I thought I would give him the present of Abby for his birthday.

I fell ill Thursday night, so I didn't get packed up like I had wanted to so Friday morning I was hustling around trying to remember everything. I loaded the car, headed to work and told Gene we would swing by on our way out of town. (He didn't go because he had things he needed to get done in the shop.)

At 2:30 Friday afternoon I get a call from daycare that Abby has a fever, 102.5. Great. I drop everything at work, tell the boss I'm leaving, (he gives me a hard time, trying to be funny, but when your child is sick and you don't know why, its not funny, no matter if its Friday or not) and head to get her. She seems her usual self when I pick her up, just hot. So I decide that we can still make the trip. A little love and attention from Nana and Mom would do us both good.

We swing by the house and pick up all the things I forgot. Kiss Gene good bye and hit the road. Abby is such a great car traveller. She slept the whole way. I counted down the miles on the GPS. (I know how to get there, but I love that the GPS tells me how much longer I have to go. No more asking... Are we there yet?).

We arrive in time for dinner and some play time with Nana and Grampa. Abby goes to bed a little later that usual, but not extremely late, and with no problems. She sleeps all night in a different crib without problems. She still a little warm in the morning, but I squirt some more Tylenol in her mouth and we go shopping. The mission of the weekend is to get Abby's fall/winter wardrobe ready. Nana had already gathered several pieces, but we had coupons galore to use, so we were out to get more things. I can't believe how many cute things there are out there. She is set to go now. Her drawers and closet are well stocked!

Grandpa had fun pushing Abby around in the stroller. She took a little nap during lunch time. She didn't seem interested in eating or drinking, but I wasn't going to force it. She would when she was hungry enough. With all new surroundings, she was too busy looking.

We came home and Abby took another nap. When she woke up, she seemed more like herself. The fever seemed to have disappeared. Jerry, Tracie and the boys came over for a cook out for Dad's birthday. They both had fun stealing her from each other. Abby finally wanted to eat and she enjoyed the cook out dinner. She ate hamburger, macaroni salad, and she loved the baked beans.

But her favorite item was dessert. She wasn't crazy about the texture of the cake, but she loved the frosting. And crazy Uncle Jerry gave her all she wanted. She promptly shoved it in her face, while rubbing it every where. It was straight to the bathtub after that.

Another night of no problems going to bed and staying asleep. Both mornings my parents let her snuggle in their bed with them. I got up to hear her giggling with them. We hung out for the morning, then we went to the fabric store. I'm slightly obsessed with making her bibs right now and I needed more snap pieces. I also found bundles of fat quarters to make more bibs out of. Once I had my craft fix, we went to IHop for pancakes. Abby loved eating the pancakes. She sat like a big girl at the table. She played with her toys and smiled at the waitress.

Once lunch was done it was back on the road. Abby was ready for a nap and she fell asleep before we hit the interstate. Again, she was such a good sleeper. She got fussy the last 20 minutes, but I was getting antsy too. It was so good to come home and see Gene there. I think we both enjoyed being away, but the comforts of home were nice to see.

Rhythm gets her going

Abby has always loved music. Even in the womb, she would move to music. I enjoyed going to church because I knew it would wake her up and she would dance to the music.

She's never been extremely interested in radio music, but any toy that makes noise gets her attention. Lately I've notice not only does it get her attention, but it excites her and makes her show happiness.

Last night she made her toy camera sing to her. While it was singing, she flapped her arm and bounced her body. When it stopped, she touched it so it would play again. Again, she did the same movements.

The other day while watching some Bubble Guppies, I noticed she did something similar when the characters sang. When they spoke she stopped, and seems uninterested in the program. But as soon as they sang, she was all eyes on the TV.

I think we have a little music maker on our hands.

2 hands

Abby is 10 months old today. Every finger on each hand, 10 , 10, 10! I can't believe it. In two months, my baby will be a toddler. Where has the time gone?

This month you learned to explore more. Mostly because you were more mobile. You can do a mean quick crawl, and you usually make a bee line straight to me. You've discovered how easy it is to pull up on things, and you don't hesitate to do so. If you can grab a hold, you can get yourself up. And then smile because you are so proud of yourself. This has also made if difficult for us to keep things on surfaces you can reach. Side tables are your favorite, and if there is something on it, you will grab it. Your favorites are the remote and the box of tissues. (Which I let you get the other night and you pulled every tissue out of the box. I'm thinking I need to create a pinterest style box for you.)

This month you moved up to a new room in daycare. You love it. You are so tired by the end of the day. And you usually come home completely messy. I just know you are having fun with your friends. It does make my heart ache every day when I drop you off, but I see how much social development you are getting and it makes me happy. I really don't want you to be shy like me and your daddy.

Also this month, you got teeth! Two little teeffers have busted on through. You're smile was always beautiful, but the teeth make it light up. You've loved using your new teeth to help you eat. And eat you do! You've started to eat more table foods. You like noodles, and green beans. You like hot dogs and potato chips. You are very good at picking things up off your tray and putting them in your mouth. You also like to drop things on the floor, but thankfully Woody is there is clean up after you. Right now, you enjoy blowing raspberries while you have food in your mouth. That usually makes me mad because I get food sprayed on me. You also think its fun to wipe your hands all over your face and into your eyes. Then, you get upset when your eyes hurt because you got food in them!

This month we had some sniffles. Another round of colds for everyone. You always handle it like a champ though. You like to snuggle just a little longer, but you are also quick to get up and go play. I think you get that from your Dad!

You are still my little peanut. Two weeks ago you weighed in at 15 pounds 6 ounces. You were 26 1/4 inches long. You are moving into mostly nine month clothes. Most of the summer things are 6 month, and I'm starting to phase those out. Fall is coming, so a new wardrobe is needed. Nana is taking care of that for you. It doesn't matter what you wear you always look so cute. Its so hard for me to pack up things that don't fit anymore. I feel attached to every outfit.

You can babble up a storm. You learned to say Mama. You also can say Bubba, and Nana. I think you have the a sound down. I'm working on more vowel sounds. You love to mimic sounds. Repetition is key. I love watching your little mind work when you are trying to say something new. I know a day will come when you won't stop talking and I'll wish for these quiet days back, but I can't wait for you to share what's going on in your little mind.

You've become a great sleeper this month. You often go to bed without a hassle. You really need to have peace and quiet in order to settle down. If there is too much activity, you just can't stop watching. You can sleep all through the night. You might whimper every now and then, but all you need is your paci. And if you can find it, you will put it in your mouth and go back to sleep. You've also found comfort in your pink stuffed monkey. You like to use it as a pillow. I've noticed this since we got the video monitor.

You are still a very happy baby. Even in your times of divaness, you make me smile. Your Dad and I are thankful every day to have you.

Happy 10 months Little Bit!

Thanks for reminding me

A co worker had a baby a few weeks ago. Today, she stopped by for everyone to see him. She also stopped by to submit her resignation.

We all knew this was coming (except maybe the boss). Things around here have been in some turmoil. Management has changed hands and the morale was really low. Another staff member is leaving in two weeks. Its just a sad sight around here.

When the boss told us she was leaving, she had already slipped it to us, he told us she was choosing to stay home with the little one. Then he jab that I should know all about that. Yes, dumb ass. I do know all about that. I want to stay home every single day. Its incredibly hard to drop my child off at day care for someone else to watch while I come to work and do mostly nothing all day. I would love to have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. But I can't.

I work so we can have insurance. Gene is a small business owner. Personal insurance is not cheap, let alone personal insurance on a family. Abby needs medical coverage. Thankfully she is healthy, but I couldn't bear to think about the what ifs. His business is growing, and hopefully some day I can stay home. Or at least go part time. Or maybe even go somewhere else and do something else. I feel stuck here because I don't want to lose the benefits I do have. They aren't much, but its what I know and it works for me.

I turned my back to the jab. Hopefully he noticed. He, after all, is the reason things are like they are. I think Gene being in business for himself is the best thing ever, and it probably wouldn't be if it wasn't for the boss man. Its a love/hate relationship. And today was more of a hate.

I can see you

A friend of ours gaves us their baby video monitor.

That's something I thought was over the top, just too much electronics for a baby. I thought they were just all the rage and I wasn't going to spend the money on one. (That's how we got on the topic with friends, and they offered theirs). I had researched them and almost pulled the trigger, but I just couldn't do it. I don't really know what made me not do it.

I was excited to get home Sunday and set it up. Initially I had some frustrations with it. I couldn't get it to work, and I was about to give up. Finally, I figured it out and it was like magic!

I spent a lot of time Sunday night watching Abby sleep. Or wake up and put herself back to sleep. She would crawl around the bed till she found the pacifer. Put it in her mouth, and then lay back down.

The cutest thing this morning was watching her search for her stuffed monkey. She reached for it. Pulled it over to her, and then placed her head on it like it was a pillow.

I'm addicted to Abby TV! The monitor is one of those gadgets you don't think you need, until you have it, then you can't live without it!

Tiger Town Tantrum

Saturday was the start of the most wonderful time of the year.

College Football

We had made plans to go to Clemson. To tailgate and hang out with friends. It was a late game, so we weren't going to go into the game, but we went to join in the spirit.

Abby woke up a little crabby. She had a snotty crusty nose, but she seemed ok. We loaded into the car and headed to Clemson. We met up with Gene's old roommate at their house. Abby was content. She slept the entire way there. She played when we got there. She enjoyed the golf cart ride over to the tailgate spot.

She did not enjoy many moments after that. As soon as we got there, she started squirming. She wanted to be held, but didn't want to be held. She wasn't hungry. I tried water, I tried formula. I tried food. Nothing worked.

I walked around the parking lot. We talked and looked at things. Sometimes she would settle, but not for long. I returned to Gene, frustrated, and hot. He decided we should leave, so we packed up and started the walk back.

Gene stopped a short walk into the hike and asked me if I thought we should go visit another friends tailgate. They have more space, more seating, more people we and Abby know. She seemed to be a little calmer, and I really wasn't looking forward to the hike, so I agreed. We detoured over to the other tailgate. Glad to see friends and people who were sympathetic to us.

Abby immediately went to Auntie Beth and calmed down. She crashed not too long after that. She took a good nap and woke up much happier. At this point we were willing to stick it out for a while and see how she handled it.

She did so much better after that. She stuck it out till just after kick off. We left the tailgate before the half and headed back. She enjoyed the walk home, smiling at all the silly college students. She curled up in my lap when we got back and went to sleep. We stayed the night in Clemson. She did fine throughout the night.

Who knows what her problem was? Maybe it was just too hot? Maybe she was just tired again? I don't know. But that tantrum was traumatized. She's never acted like that, and I wasn't sure what to do. Also being in a new location with limited resources also added to my frustrations. But I'm glad everyone was able to settle down and enjoy the rest of the day.

Sunday Snuggles

I got to do a rare thing with Abby yesterday. We took a nap today.

We snuggled up on the couch. Her on my chest, both of us under the blanket. The TV softly in the background.

It takes me back to the first few weeks. And those weeks were that's all I would do during the day.

She's a lot bigger now, but she still fits on my chest. Her little head nuzzled into my neck.

I finally woke her up because I was worried she wouldn't be sleepy enough to go to bed. She didn't like that very much. She clung to me to 20 minutes before she would willingly go to someone else. I secretly enjoyed the separation anxiety. I know it won't last forever.

The fall will get busy soon. Soccer games will start. Sunday snuggles won't get to happen very often. I'm glad I was able to take advantage of it when I could.

Super Trooper

Yesterday was a busy day. I picked Abby up early from school for her 9 month check up. Picked her up just after nap time had ended and before the afternoon bottle. We drove to the doctors office. She patiently played with my keys while sitting in my lap. Occasionally she would squirm and she would crawl around on the floor, but she would quickly return to pulling at my pant leg. We waited 20 minutes in the lobby with out a peep.

Everything during the visit went well. Weight is up to 15 pounds 6 ounces. Length is 26 1/4 inches. Good and Good. Development is on target. Just keep doing what we're going.

After the doctor, we went over to the grocery store to pick some things up. Abby pleasantly rode in the cart. Smiling of course at everyone. Again, not a peep of discontent.

We rushed home to unload the groceries and to pick up JJ to go to soccer. Abby feel asleep during that time, so she did catch a 30 minute nap.

After dropping of JJ, we headed to Sam's to get more things for a party. Again, she rode int he chart like a champ. Smiling at everyone, especially old men. Not one peep of content.

We returned to the soccer fields and took a dinner break in the car. She chowed down on the usual. We put on a fresh diaper and then headed to the fields.

We pick a spot on the sidelines. She happily plays in the stroller for a while. Then she sit in my lap and we play some more. We take a bottle. Then we snack on a mum mum. Just exploring the surroundings. Too bad it was muddy and wet or we would have sat on the ground. When practice was almost over, we changed into our PJ's and started to snuggle. Still, no signs of discontent. Just pleasant smiles and babbles.

It was announced that practice would run a little longer, probably an additional 30 minutes. I thought for sure the bomb would go off and Abby would have a melt down. It was already so close to her bed time. I distracted her the best I could. We played some more and we enjoyed the stroller. I started to hear a few peeps, but then, luckily, practice ended.

We loaded up and headed home. She was asleep before we left the parking lot. She woke briefly for Gene to take her inside when we got home, but she went right to sleep when he laid her in her bed.

I truly feel blessed. Not one single meltdown yesterday. Not one moment of anger or frustration. I sure hope this continues to last.

Me- Mama

We've been working on Abby's speech. She's good a mimicking. She can say dadadada really well. She can do a ba sound. She can babble a few other things as well. But I've been waiting for her to say mama.

I'll say it a few times and wait for her to parrot it back. But she just stares at me. I'll go slow so she can see my mouth, but still nothing.

Last night I thought I would try again. I said it, and I waited.

I could see the wheels turning in her head. Then all of a sudden, there is was mama.

Now, I know she doesn't connect me to mama, but just hearing that sound made me so excited. I waited so long for that. So long

It wasn't a one time occurrence either. She did it again after that, and again this morning. I think she's added it to her vocabulary.

Now we can start on other words. We keep trying Woody, Dog, Joejee (which is a hard one and will take a while). I'm very curious now what her "first" word will be. The one where she makes the connection between to object and the word.

Crusin for a Brusin

Abby has started to comfortably cruise along the furniture. She can make it from one end of the couch to the other. She can go between the chair, the side table, and the couch. She often gets hung up in the end table at the end of the couch. She hasn't figured out yet how to untangle her legs.

I'm not ready for all this movement. Gene and I believe that she will be walking within the next month. OMG!!! Walking within a month. She's only 9 months old.

She's getting more stable on her legs each time. Pulling up is so easy for her now. She even figured out how to get back down to the ground once she was up. Although its not so pretty sometimes, and she startles herself, but she can do it. Its fun to watch her thinking about it and what she's going to have to do to get down.

This is all amazing to watch, but its all happening so fast. I thought she would crawl for a while, but it doesn't look like it. She's ready to move!

First Day

Today is the first day of school. JJ starts the 7th grade. Middle of middle school. Hopefully this year will be kind to him. Although I think we will still have the same battles we have every year. Too much talking, too much goofing around, too much, too much, too much. Someday the lesson will sink in, lets hope it already has.

Today is also Abby's first day in her new classroom. She's no longer the baby of the school. She moved up to the older infant class. The cruisers. Right now there are 10 kids all between 9 months and 14 months. I'm sad she left the comfort of the baby room, but I know the new room will be great for her development. She had no problems crawling around this morning and playing with new toys.

I left a note for her teachers. (There is a sub in there till the teachers can get there after they drop their kids off at school). I hope I don't seem like that crazy, overcontrolling, helicopter mom. They suggested we send the childs schedule, so I did. I just added details to help them out. Hopefully when I pick her up today there isn't any strange looks.

Of course, I had to take her picture on the front porch today. Its a first day of school tradition to have your picture taken. I know she's not really in "school" but we call it that, and she does learn. In 18 years, there won't be any more firsts.

You usually have such pretty eyes

People comment on Abby's eyes all the time. They are beautiful. They are a dreamy shade of bluish grey. Very similar to mine. Very similar to many Christophers. She's got the most striking lashes. Long, and full. They nearly touch her eye brows.

She's so expressive with her eyes. But usually without even knowing that's what she's doing. They can glow with her smile and they will spill tears when she's sad.

But yesterday, her eyes were not pretty!

Her eyes were crusted shut when she woke up. It really scared her. It scares me too, both having felt what that feels like and knowing she's got something funky going on with her eyes.

I woke up yesterday with a red crusty eye, so I knew I had pink eye. Her eyes were just crusty and not red, and since this was her first time with it, I called the pediatrician and scheduled an appointment as soon as I could.

His diagnosis, yes its pink eye, but she also has a sinus infection, which most likely caused the pink eye. I probably got it from her.

Amazingly, he prescribed oral medication instead of drops. He said drops wouldn't kill what was going on on the inside. So, for the next 10 days, 2 times a day, we squirt pink goop into her mouth. It smells like fake bubblegum. She doesn't seem to mind it though, she just doesn't like to be forced to consume anything.

It should clear in a few days. And her beautiful eyes will be back to normal.

Dwight

Abby's hair is growing in. It looks rather nice. She has a lot more than I ever did at her age.

But lately, if its not brushed to the side, it hangs funny on her forehead and I think she looks like Dwight from the office.

It's this weird bangs parted thing. Yuck.

I try to brush it over whenever I can. When we go out I put a bow in it so it doesn't appear!

Movin on Up

I got the official word yesterday that Abby will be moving up to the Older Infant class on the 19th. I'm not ready for this. This is suppose to happen when she's a year old. I've still got three months to prepare myself.

They are moving her now, because there is a large group of them at this stage and they would like to keep them together. I know this is what's right for Abby. Developmentally this is the best thing. She will be with kids and teachers that can teach her new things. But I'm just sad that she's leaving the baby room.

I love her room teachers. Even though Peggy left a few weeks ago. They are always so sweet with her. I know every teacher will be like that, but this is the first non family member I trusted with my childs care. They know her, I know them, they know me.

Mostly, I am just stubborn to change. I always have been, and I certainly hope this isn't a trait I passed on to Abby. So the best thing I can do is suck it up and put a smile on my face.

I get to meet the new teachers next week, and take a peek at her room. Its just next door to her old room. It sounds like it will be a little more structured. Which I guess she is starting to need. I'm hoping there is some flexibily. I feel like she is still young and still has needs. The schedule only lists one nap time, and she does better with two. It does say they will nap, change, and feed, as needed for each child, but I just don't want Abby to be the burden or the outlier. I know that's just my crazy mom brain and it won't be that way. I know initially taking her there I laughed at their "schedule" but she really has molded well to their schedule. Whatever crazy thing that might be.

Argh... somebody hold me.

9- yes 9!

Its that time again. And once again, I can't believe it. My baby girl is 9 months old, today! I held a newborn the other day and its was hard to imagine that really wasn't that long ago. The baby was so tiny, but bigger than Abby was.

This month has been so fun with development. Baby girl has learned to crawl! She did a really cure Army crawl all over the floor, but now she is learning to push up on her arms and move her legs. Its still not reciprocal crawling yet, but its really close. She's also started to pull up. Yikes. She will really work at it too. Nothing like her mother's determination! I'm not ready for her to be crusing yet. The house isn't ready for her to be cruising yet. I'm so worried about her hurting herself on the hearth. Its solid concrete. Its got pointy edges. I can see a disaster coming. I need to prepare myself.

Also this month, Little Bit finally started cutting some teeth! In the bath tub on Friday, I noticed the tooth buds. Both bottom front teeth are breaking through. I haven't noticed any behaviors out the the ordinary. Besides going to bed early, but daycare says all the girls her age stopped taking a nap because they are too busy playing. Its hard to check her gums because her tounge is in the way, but if you can get her to smile big and sneaky a look, you might be able to see them. I would think that maybe by the end of the week, we will see teeth.

Little Bit, is still little. Still wearing 6 month close. I finally took out all the 3 months things, just because there was so much else, I wanted it all to get worn. There is some 9 month things that are summery, so I'm trying to get use out of those while I can. Those items are a little big, but not that bad. Her 6 months sleepers fit her well. She still though can fit 3 month pants. 6 months are still big around the waist. She's comfortably in size 2 diapers. She can barely fit a size 2 shoe.

Her hair is filling in. She will tolerate a bow in it. But there hair is still fine and short and it doesn't stay in long. It is fun to brush her hair though. We brush it every morning when we get dressed. She doesn't wear bows to school because the other kids take them out and then out them in their mouth. I don't want to be the reason another kid chokes, so we save them for the weekends.

She still is babbling all the time. Dadadadadada is her word of choice. She also giggles and squeezes, blows raspberries in your face. She'll talk to herself in her crib in the morning. Its really cute to listen to. I often wonder what she is saying, or thinking about.

Speaking of crib, she's in her big girl bed all the time now. She can go all night without waking, or without needing one of us. She will stir occassionally. And, at most, she just needs help getting the pappy in her mouth (although she can do that now herself). She's decided her bedtime is around 7:30. It can be sooner, or it can be later, but usually around that time she's getting cranky and rubbing her eyes. She will sleep soundly until 6:30- or 7:00. Sometimes on the weekends, she'll go a little longer, but thats usually when she's snuggled up with one of us.

She's eating well and not afraid to try new things. She likes anything we put on a spoon and give to her. She also seems to get upset when you are eating and she is not. Even if she's just eaten, she will get cranky and fuss at you. I've started to just leave her in her seat and let her eat some puffs, or some table food while we eat. Its hard to feed her and yourself at the same time, so she usually gets to go first.

She does great in public. She's not loud, or fussy. She can sitting in a highchair and entertain herself. Although a lot of times that means one of us is constantly picking toys up off the floor, but she will sit there and be content. She will smile at anyone that passes by. Sometimes she will wave. She hasn't quite grasped the concept of waving, but she can mimic you, so if you wave, she will flap her arm back at you.

She loves daycare. She does great at drop off and pick up. They are so nice to her. But this month, one of her "teachers" decided to leave. I don't know why, and they won't tell me. But, we miss her. She was really great with Abby. They don't spoil the children, but they love them. They take good care of them and make sure each one is happy. I've heard a rumor that she might move up to the older infant room. I'm not ready for that yet. She's still a baby. Even though all the kids in there will be close to her age and will all have her abilities, it's just hard so me to imagine her in a different room everyday.

She's a happy baby. She loves her mommmy and daddy. She loves her brother and she LOVES the dog. She will sit on the floor and play with her toys. She will splash around in the pool. She will happily ride in a shopping cart (just watch our for Grabigail's arms. she's sneaky like that). She's not afraid of strangers (although she will play shy every now and then). She loves things that make noise, and she loves to dance to music. She will still snuggle into your neck first thing in the morning and when she's gone to sleep at night. Still my most favorite time.

I can't believe next month with will double digits. Her birthday will be here before we know it.

Modern Medicine

We've spent the summer catchin up on Downton Abbey (thanks Amazon Mom for the free prime videos). Its a great little series, lots of drama, even Gene likes it!

Anyways, in the last episode we watched (SPOILER ALERT: if you haven't watched any of them yet, do not go on!!!!), the youngest sister died after child birth of eclampsia.

This got me thinking. I wasn't diagnosed with pre-eclampsia until we went into the hospital with contractions. I had been swollen, but they said that was normal. My blood pressure was never high. There was no reason to suspect it. In the triage area the OB explained that they would normally do a 24 hour urine catch to check for protein, but since I was 38 weeks already, they would just induce labor. I had the other two signs, swelling and high BP, so the urine catch was unnecesarry.

But I did require medical intervention. Which I refer to as Satan's breath. Because it was hot as Hell! The magnesium was awful. It set my body on fire from the inside out. Again, and Again, and Again. (yes caps was needed there).

After watching Downton last night, I'm thankful with the medical advances and the medical intervention. Watching Cybil convulse and then die was really scary. That could have been me. She too showed the pre-eclamptic signs, but in true drama television, of course they argued about it and possible treatments.

Just another reason to hug and kiss my baby a little bit more.

Balloon

Abby and I went to get JJ's birthday cake at the grocery store. While we were waiting, I saw the display of mylar balloons and I thought JJ would like the Spongebob one. (Spongebob is once again cool for him).

The string was neatly tied up and there was a clip that I could use to attach it to the cart. I put it on the side, so I could see to steer that cart. Abby immediately turned to it and wanted to grab it. So, to save her from falling out of the cart, I move it to the front so she could see it.

She tugged on the string and batted at the balloon. She smiled at it and at me when I played peek-a-boo with it. She got to hold it when we went outside and on the ride home.

She's gotten way more enjoyment out of that balloon that JJ has. She searches for it in the living room. She scoots to it. Sits up, and grabs the string. She yanks up and down on it and giggles. She thinks that is the best toy ever.

I know what baby girl is getting for her birthday!

I like to Move it Move it

Holy Moly is baby girl on the move! She's very determined now. She will army crawl her way across the floor to get to you, or get to that toy that she wants. And now, she's learning to pull herself up. So when she reaches her destination, she will either sit and play with the toy, or pull up and grab at your leg.

While I think this is really cute, I'm really scared. I'm not ready for her to be mobile yet. I'm not ready for her to be into everything.

I've heard a rumor at daycare that they will be moving her up, if she's crawling. I'm not ready for that. I love her ladies now. I don't want her to learn new ladies.

Stop growing so fast little bit!

Hotlanta

This weekend we went to Atlanta. The boys had tickets to an international soccer tournament, so Abby and I tagged along. I'm always up for a trip away from home, and I was itching to go to Ikea.

We got to Atlanta at lunch time, and immediately it started to rain. We waiting for the downpour to stop so we could walk to lunch. Abby did great a lunch. She played in the high chair. She nibbled on french fries and tomatoes. After lunch, we headed back to get loaded in the car to go shopping. It's a short drive from the hotel. 3 miles or so. She fell asleep on the way.

When we arrived at Ikea, I was excited to find that they had family friendly parking. Right at the entrance. With wide spaces to allow the doors to fully open. With Abby asleep, I decided to put her in the front carrier while she napped. She woke up the minute I put her in there, but I continued to hope she would go back to sleep.

I found my cart and started to make my way around. The Swedes apparently believe in all wheel drive on their carts. That thing was so hard to handle. It did not like to turn corners. I had finally given up on Abby sleeping and decided to put her in the buggy seat. Well, I got a defunked cart and it didn't have a seat! I kept and eye out for another one, but I guess once you get in there, you can't get another one!

I finally just decided it was time to check out. I was sweaty and exhausted. I labored over loading everything onto the belt. Its hard to bend over into a cart with 14 pounds of baby strapped to you! They also don't give you bags at Ikea. You have to buy them. So I bought one large blue bag and tried to stuff everything into it. I managed to get the cart out of the store and to the car. I loaded Abby into the car and we headed for our next stop... Target.

The Target is in the same shopping area as the Ikea. I just had to go around some corners, but in that short time Abby fell asleep. I parked the car and questioned whether I should just sit there and let her sleep, but I just needed a few things, this was our last stop, so I decided once again to try the carrier. Knowing she was deeply asleep, I thought it would work. Well, the SOB is so hard to use, she woke up with me trying to stuff her in it. Again, she had no plans of going back to sleep. So part way through Target, I put her in the cart. At this point, Crabagail joined us on the shopping trip. She was cranky and whiney. So I grabbed what I needed and we check out. I was bummed that I didn't get to walk around and see what great deals I could find.

We started to drive back to the hotel, in the rain. She fell asleep again, almost immediately. The GPS took me on the interstate, which was bumper to bumper. After sitting still for 10 minutes, I took the chance and I got off at the next exit. I knew there wasn't much further to go, and I go scoot around the back side of the park and come into the hotel that way. Moving traffic made me feel so much better!

As we got closer to the Georgia Dome, we got stuck in event traffic. No such a problem, we didn't have far to go. I made one turn pretty easily, even though the cop wanted me to move to the other lane, but when it came to making a left across traffic, this other cop didn't like that very much. He beat on my car, so I rolled down the window. He screamed at me to keep moving. I explained that I needed to turn left. He kept screaming to keep moving. (Although I'm in the turn lane at this point, not holding any one up). I say I need to get to eh Embassy Suites, (which was a block up the street). He yells that I'm in the wrong lane for that, that I need to move. So I did. Against my gut feeling. I should have ignored him and just made my way across. It wouldn't have been too hard for them to stop for a second to let me cross. But no, I had to go all the way around the dome and come into the hotel from the other side. What a pain in my ass. Its raining, there are cars everywhere, there are people everywhere. I've got to pee like a racehorse. (Because its hard to pee with a baby strapped to your front!). I just want to get back to the hotel and collapse.

I finally made it. It took me 45 minutes to go 3 miles. I hate city traffic. Good news, was Abby was chippy and cheerful when we got back. Mommy endulged in happy hour while Abby played on the bed with her toys.

Ahh.... I don't think I'll be taking Abby to Ikea with me again. Next time I will go alone.

Playing the Numbers Game

I've finally decided that the baby weight isn't going to lose itself. "They" tell you that breastfeeding is the best diet ever, and if you breastfeed, the weight will just drop off... Liars!

I gained 33 pounds during the pregnancy. Abby weight 6 and a half. So I really gained 27. I'm still 20 pounds heavier than I was when I got pregnant.

The shock to my self image came when we were at the beach. I hated the way I looked in any of the pictures. I felt like I had an inner tube stuffed under my shirt, and my face was more swollen than when I was 37 weeks pregnant! I just hated everything about how I looked. I knew it was time for a change. I had pulled the wool over my eyes, but enough was enough.

Also around that time, I weaned from breastfeeding, so I knew I couldn't use that as an excuse anymore. The weight wasn't going to fall off

I got the My Fitness Pal app to start tracking calorie intake. What a shocker! When I realized how many calories I should be eating and how many I was actually eating, its no wonder the weight wasn't going anywhere. (Even with the increased caloric intake to support breastfeeding). According to the app, to lose about a pound a week, I needed to eat 1400 calories a day. In the beginning, that sounds like a lot, but it all starts to add up, and quickly.

It's been hard. Its been four weeks now. And I'm hungry... all the time. My biggest problem is lack of exercise. If I increased my exercise, I could eat more calories, and lose more weight. But its hard. By the time I leave work, get Abby, get home, its 5:30-6:00. If I wanted to do the basic, and just walk, I would need to load Abby up and go somewhere. Leaving in the country has its benefits, but its not exercise friendly. At that time of day, I hate doing that. That is our play time. That is the only time we get together during the day. Abby usually eats around 6:30. After that, we make dinner and eat. We get ready for bed and she's been going down by 8:00.

I feel like those 3 hours I get every night are so precious, I don't want to give them up.

I could get up earlier. But I would still have to go somewhere to walk. And I'm not going out on the country streets, in the dark, alone. Gene would have to come with me, and thus Abby. But I'm not going to wake a sleeping baby. She's finally settled into a good routine.

So, the only exercise I get during the day is that walk to and from my car. Which is a good 7 minute walk. So its not nothing, but its not much.

If I want the weight to come off, I feel like I have to starve myself to do it. Its slowly coming off. I've gone down 5 pounds. But I feel like this could be a yo-yo thing. I never thought I ate large portions. I'm not a big person. But the sizes and amounts you should eat, are so small. And everything counts. I am now finding myself asking myself if its worth it. Can I have this piece of candy now, or would I rather have a beer later? If I eat this apple for lunch, I can have a scoop of ice cream in the evening, right?!?

I don't want to become the cray dieter. I don't want to become the yo-yoer. I also know that I will never be my college skinny self again. And I accept that. I do wear my weight as a badge of honor. I know its from hormonal treatments, anxiety medications because everything about pregnancy sent me into a panic attack, its not totally from a bad lifestyle. But I've realized the badge has gotten too large.

So, for now, it looks like I'll be having just water, no lemonade.