I asked

At my last appointment Tuesday, I asked about taking the Celexa.  I had been told that it isn't harmful to take in the third trimester, but there wasn't any scientific studies to show that.  Plenty of women have taken it and had healthy babies.  But, it would be something I would need to decide with the doctor when that time came.

I'll confess that I had been putting it off because I'm scared to go without it.  But, Gene isn't so keen on being medicated, so I thought for his benefit I would ask.  And to my surprise, the doctor told me it would better to stay on it at this point!  She explained that if I went off it right now, my hormones all out of whack, I would be a mess.  And she implied from her experience (having 4 kids) that once the baby comes I will want it even more once the baby comes.  She advised that now is not the time to experiment with the emotional roller coaster.  And, from her knowledge, the harmful period is in the first trimester, when the organs are forming, not now in the third.

It was relieving to hear this.  I don't want to be a mess.  I want to be relaxed and focused on Abby.  Gene has already expressed that he wants me to tell him if I don't feel well once she gets here.  He said to not be ashamed or afraid to speak up, that he knows it can be difficult.  I'm glad that he's already reaching out and acknowledging that.  I will say that I'm very apprehensive right now about how I will handle it.  I will take each day as it is and soak up the miracle that it is. I've tried to tell myself that its ok.

Deep breaths, and just keep swimming.

Mothers intution

I didn't pass the glucose testing.  :(

I scored a 155, the cut off was 140.  I knew it.  I've started to feel like crap after I eat a lot of sugar.  I have a strong family history of diabetes.  And it was thought I might have insulin resistant PCOS. 

So there you have it.

I go back next Thursday to do the three hour screen.  Which means I fast overnight, and then I drink the goo again and sit around the docs office.

I see my days of enjoying cookies and ice cream going away (at least for the next 12 weeks).  I'll do anything to have a healthy baby.

Game on

Today marks a milestone.  It not one any other pregnant woman would consider a milestone, but for me its the beginning of the end. 

College football starts today.  I've always marked the baby's arrival by it being the end of college football season.  So today, the countdown begins.

College football is big in our house.  We are state rivals.  Abby is due the week of the big rivalry game. Gene lives for this time of year.  He loves it.  Saturdays are spent watching games on TV, or tailgating at games.  It involved friends and family.  It signals that cooler weather is on the way. 

For me, each Saturday that passes is one more closer to Abby being here.  I know this time will pass fast.  It always does.  We always seem shocked in November when its over.  I was to savor every minute and enjoy it as much as I can.  I'm ready to hold and snuggle my precious miracle, but I know it needs to happen when the time is right.

I think I'll be drinking a lot of lemonade this fall!

Nesting

Our house has been a constant project.  It started well before we were married.  Gene purchased his grandparent old house and had visions of turning into a quaint little bungalow on the outskirts of town.  It became his passion, and then our passion.

But life had other plans.  The unexpected lay off.  The start up of new business.  The expense of making a baby.  House projects got put on hold.  We finally felt we were at a comfortable point and started things up again. 

A few weeks ago a contractor started reworking our stairs and finishing the trim in the downstairs.  It couldn't have come at a better time in the pregnancy.  I had the energy every day to help clean up the mess and rearrange everything.  It also meant we could start doing Abby's room.  Paint when up, furnishings started to be purchased.  I had the urge and it was STRONG!

The contractors are gone, but there is still somethings for us to complete.  Things need a new coat of paint. Things (lots of things) need touch up paint.  The bookcases aren't complete yet, but will be soon, and then the living room will be done.

Abby's furniture came in last night.  The crib is in pieces waiting to be set up.  The dresser is in its spot.  The glider is still in the box.  I'm hoping this weekend, all things will come together.  All the bedding arrived.  I can't wait to hang curtains and get the crib skirt on the bed.  I can't wait to start arranging nick knacks and organizing diapers, wipes, and other little baby things. 

I can start looking back at my pinterest page and pick out projects that I pinned for her room. 28 down, 12 to go.

Rinse and Repeat

I feel like time has rewound itself.  I can see why they say the second trimester is the greatest.  I've just crossed the cusp into the third, and I already feel like crap.  I'm feeling like I did in the first trimester again.

Where to begin.  Lets start with the insomnia.  Nightly wakes ups that lead to laying there for an hour or so.  At least this time I have someone to keep me company.  She must know I'm awake and she's usually quite active while I try to settle back down.  Its a nice bonding time, but that lost hour really throws off my rhythm.

The crazy dreams have returned.  Those never really went away, but I think they are now more intense like they were in the beginning.  I find things that have occurred in my daily life weaving themselves into some really bizarre dreams. 

The fatigue.  Argh.  I feel like I'm slower than my grandma.  I just don't have the energy to walk much anymore.  Plus, my feet and my knees hurt after a while.  Even just errands can wear me out.  (Gosh I sound so lazy!)

The loss of appetite.  Food just doesn't sound pleasing.  I'm still hungry all the time, I just don't feel like eating.  I also feel like a whale (I'm not going to mention what the scale said today).  I'm trying to not give into every urge for ice cream and cookies.  I'm also getting heartburn regularly so somethings I just don't want to eat because I know I'll pay for it later.

I know I'm in the home stretch.  I'll start to see the OB every two weeks now.  Its still crazy to me to think we've gotten this far already.  In just a few short weeks we be a family of 4!

Truely an Eggplant

I finally found a site that will tell me week by week vegetable updates, rather than just grouping it together.  Silly me for not googling better!


How far along: 28 weeks!
How big is baby:  13.6-14.8 inches long, 1.5-2.2 pounds!

Total weight gain:  Oh my, there is no telling!

Maternity clothes:  Bought a few more shirts this weekend.  Two of them are not maternity, but can be worn right now.  They are big and loose and have elastic around the bottom.
Sleep:  Insomnia and crazy dreams have returned!  I feel like I'm back in the first trimester.  I'll lay awake for a hour or so in the middle of the night, so tired at all. 

Best moment this week:  Getting a massage!  It was an hour of heaven!  I am so tight everywhere, I could have used much more time.  The knot in my right shoulder was very hard to get out.  And lets not go into how tight my hips are.  Owza!

Gender: Girl!

Craving:  Cereal. All kinds.  I could eat it all day long.

Movement:  I think she is developing patterns.  She also loves to move when I eat.  I guess she likes to eat too.  French fries really get her going.  She gets that from her Dad!

Labor Signs: None, yeah!

Belly Button in or out:  Still in.

Stretch marks: None that I've noticed!

What I miss:  I'm not missing much, well, maybe some sleep, but I can get over that.  I know its not going to get any better from here on out!

What I am looking forward to:  3d ultrasound in two weeks.  JJ had to choose between a football game and coming to the ultrasound and he chose the ultrasound.  I can't wait to see his face when he sees her!

Milestones:  All of her bedding has arrived.  It looks so cute.  I can't wait for the crib to come in so I can set it all up!  (I need to call about that and start harassing them!  It should be in already!)

Denial

It's strange to me to have strangers ask about my pregnancy.  I'm always taken a back, like the "How did you know" response.  Of course its my belly, but I guess I just never realized how obvious it would be. 

Those first few weeks were I was desperate to show have now caught up to me.  There is no hiding it anymore.  Some people are complementary about my size, and some just need to shut their pie holes.  Some days I feel big, some days I don't.  My face hasn't changed at all, and I'm not swelling anywhere else, so its all in the front.  I think my hips and thighs are a bit wider over all.  I guess self perception is, well I guess, limited to ones own opinion.  I don't see myself as the cute little pregnant person I thought I would be.  There is a little more around my midsection, but maybe as she continues to grow, it will round out.  If not, that's ok.  I'm going to enjoy the next 13 weeks.

The best moment lately about my size was hearing it from a child.  I passed by her and she got her mom's attention and said "Mommy, that lady has a baby in her belly".

Yes, little girl I do. I do, and I love it.

Eggplant- Book III

How far along: 27 weeks- start of the Third Trimester!

How big is baby:  Still the eggplant, almost 2 pounds (about the weight of a head of cauliflower)

Total weight gain:  After eating too many cupcakes yesterday, I'm not telling!
Maternity clothes:  I'm starting to stretch out now.  There is no looseness in things anymore.

Sleep: Some days are better than others.  I look forward to the weekends, but that always seems to be when I sleep the worst, so maybe I just need to start to going to bed earlier in the week.

Best moment this week:  Feeling her respond to voices and sounds.  I've noticed a lot more movement lately.  Its fun to see what she reacts too.

Gender: Girl!

Craving:  Sweets.  My sweet tooth is out of control. 
Movement: I'm loving it.  She's active in the evenings, which is fun because I can really focus on her.  She seems to like being up odd hours of the night, but lately I seem to be too, so maybe she is just keeping me company.

Labor Signs: None, yeah!

Belly Button in or out:  I'm convinced its not ever coming out.

Stretch marks: Still none. But my line is appearing.

What I miss: I don't really miss anything right now.  I'm enjoying this time.  It seems to be going by so fast.

What I am looking forward to:  My massage is this Friday!  I can't wait.  One hour of pampered bliss.  My shoulders, my back, my legs, they are all looking forward to it.

Milestones:  We got the accent wall painted in her room.  I think it turned out how we wanted.  Its subtle, which I think is the point.  I'm still waiting to hear about the furniture.  They have till Thursday before I start nagging them!  I'm ready to get her room set up! 

Finally a perk!

There aren't many perks at my job.  I've been here almost 10 years.  (Wow!)  They've always made the peons park on the opposite side of campus.  Its been a battle between peons and administration for quite some time, but there isn't anything they can really do about it. 

Some time ago, I abandoned the employee parking deck because my sanity needed it.  I didn't mind the long walk through the campus, but I hated the shenanigans that went on in the deck.  Every morning my blood pressure would boil over because people would hold up the line trying to wait for a spot on a lower level.  Cars would wipe around corners and down ramps, it was an emotional nightmare. 

So I became a perpetual visitor and have never looked back.  Its the best thing I could have done for myself.  I still had a nice little walk, but I was calm and collected when I got to my desk.

Well, one of the perks, really the only perk around here is when you hit your third trimester, you get privileges to park downstairs in the garage!  So, this week I've got to start parking down there.  And, I'm not even to my third tri yet!  The person in charge of that just went ahead and gave me a few extra days.  Its been so nice to just come up the elevator every morning! 

I know I could use the exercise, but at the end of the day when my back is screaming, its been great to be at my car in 2 minutes instead of 8.

I know this will end at some point, so I'm soaking up every minute of this little enjoyment!
Its the little things that make me so happy!

Am I really that bad?

I know I have a lot of anxiety issues.  I'm thankful in the past few weeks that those have been kept to a minimum but I know at any time that can ramp back up, sometimes worse than ever.

Its not a secret that I turned to medication to help me.  I wish I didn't have to, but its made a world of difference.  A few years ago, I struggled with other anxiety problems.  It escalated to the point where eating and sleeping were being disturbed, so I ask for help. A small pill did so much for helping me cope.  I still had the crazy thoughts, but I no longer had the rapid heart rate, increased breathing, and sweaty palms like I did before.  With the help of the medication I was able to recognize those signs and calm myself down better.  And, after just a year, I was able to come off the medicine.

I was surprised to learn that the same medication was safe for pregnancy.  At least up until the third trimester.  And then there isn't science to say it is or isn't safe.  Many women have had successful pregnancies and healthy babies from it.  I jumped at the chance to take the medication again because right away I was seeing myself spiral down like I did before.  The last thing I wanted to do was to spend the next 40 weeks in constant worry.  Depriving my baby of the things is might need and providing it too much unneeded stress.

Gene has always questioned my eagerness to take the medication.  But, we come from different thoughts on medication.  He doesn't take anything, hardly ever, unless its almost life or death.  Back pain, no.  Head cold, no. Not even a band aid!  Me, I'm the opposite.  I know that medication can improve my quality of life and not make me suffer so bad, I'm gonna do it.

Gene has been encouraging me to stop taking the anxiety pills for some time now.  I try not to share my anxiety with him, because I know he just wouldn't understand.  Take for example, feeling movement.  A few weeks ago, I would begin to panic if I hadn't felt anything in a while.  Even though, I know that at that time movement on a regular schedule was rare and everything was probably normal, I still worked myself up to believing the worst.  Also, that strange side pain, or back pain, or did my pee smell or burn that time have me questioning.  I feel like the medicine keeps me from going in the spiral of what ifs and immersing myself in the land of google.  Its hard to explain to anyone who hasn't had these thoughts and feelings on how different you can feel when you are taking the medicine. 

I feel like I want to try to stop taking it, but I'm worried that there are new worries around the corner that I'm not ready for.  I know once she gets here that it will be another constant battle not to stress over things.  I'm scared to death (no pun intended) of SIDS. I'm scared she will be sick and I won't know it.  I'm scared I won't know how to play with her, or soothe her.  (Can you have PPD before you even have the baby?!?)

I don't want to be crazy.  But I don't want to be pressured to give up something that I think helps me. I feel like I'm stuck sometimes.  But I know in my gut that taking the medicine is helping, but I also know that if I give it up I will have the support to get me through my worries.

Lemonade anyone?

Just call me Exxon

Because I'm loaded with gas.  And it always seems to come out at the most embarassing times!  Argh.  Its the one thing I wish would go away.

Take for instance, public restrooms.  I'm always petrified to use one because I never know what sounds my body is going to make when I sit down.  Its all just air, but sometimes its just way to much.  I try to hold it in, but when you have to pee really bad that's not really possible.

Oh what fun this is!

Eggplant- book II

How far along: 26 weeks

How big is baby:  Still the eggplant-14 inches long and 1 and 2/3 pounds!

Total weight gain:  Not stepping on the scale today.  Just don't feel like it.

Maternity clothes:  I'm not in love with my jeans and that makes me sad.  They are really tight in the thighs, which I hate.  I know they looks good, but I don't find them all that comfy.  Bummer.

Sleep: Had some restless nights.  Abby decided that since I was up, she would be up too.  It was nice to lay there in the dark and quiet and feel her bopping around.

Best moment this week:  Getting the crib ordered!

Gender: Girl!

Craving:  Still lots of water. And fruit.  And ice cream.

Movement: I discovered she loved a rocking chair.  She went nuts last night at a friends house when I rocked in their recliner.  I can't wait for the glider to come in so I can try it out.  I'm looking forward to getting a lot of use out of that chair.

Labor Signs: None, yeah!

Belly Button in or out:  Still in.  Haven't seen much change in it lately.

Stretch marks: Still none.

What I miss: I think I've started to waddle.  I miss walking like a normal person.  The waddle depends on the amount of back pain.

What I am looking forward to:  I've scheduled a prenatal massage in two weeks and the 3D ultrasound in a month.  I can't wait for both of these!

Milestones:  I think getting the crib and furniture ordered was a big step this week.  I'm so hoping there is no more trouble with it.  I can't wait for it to get here and set it up.

Here is a photo from yesterday 25weeks 6days.  I need to just start labelling these the next week!

The debacle

Last weekend, we went to Babies R Us to order the furniture.  We had selected it when we registered, but we weren't ready to get it due to space, and money.  I decided we could all go and make a night on the town with it.  Thought it would be simple and easy.  Ha!

I ask the store worker in the furniture department about ordering the three pieces.  He looks in the computer and tells me that he can get the dresser and the nightstand, but the crib is out of stock.  I ask if we can order one.  He tells me, No, if there are not any in the warehouse, we don't have any.  So I ask when there will be more in.  He says he doesn't know.  I ask if they do rain checks because the crib is currently on sale.  He said No.  So Gene asks if we can get one from another store.  He starts looking around and making some calls.  I ask him how come I can get the crib and dresser online, but I can't get the nightstand.  He tells me its because the nightstand is only special order and has to be done in the store.

At this point, another sales worker comes over and she has a little more knowledge.  I ask if I call the 888 number in the catalog, can we order all three pieces.  The guy says he doesn't know.  So Gene takes the phone and starts dialing.  At this point we explain to the lady what's going on.  She automatically agrees to give me the sale price because its not my fault its out of stock.  Yeah!  Gene is able to order the pieces on the phone, but it will be $200 more to ship them straight to the house and not just to the store.  Argh.

At this point, the lady tells us that this is a new crib set and they should get more shortly.  They are most likely out because of the sale.  She can't tell me exactly when, but she is confident it would be within the next few weeks.  Gene allows me to make the final decision.  He's ready to pull the trigger on the phone and eat up the $200.  I'm not ready to do that, so I say lets order the dresser and the nightstand, and check back on the crib.

Whew.... but just wait.

When we get to the register, we happen to get in line from our male friend in furniture.  He rings everything up, I swipe my card.  Just waiting for the receipt, and.... the computer crashes.  So now a manager is involved.  They don't want to run it again because they are worried it went through and they don't want me to get charged twice.  They keep checking their system, but they can't tell it went through.  After a long wait, the manager tells me I need to check my bank statement the next day and call back with the results.  If it went through, great, we are set.  If not, they can run it over the phone. 

So on Sunday, I check and its gone through.  I call the guy and tell him.  He said it didn't show going in on their side, but he would take my word and process it through.  I just needed to bring a copy of my statement by to prove it was paid.  Argh!

So yesterday, I go by to take my statement.  I ask for the guy, he's not there.  I ask for the manager that helped us, he's not there.  I even ask for the lady that helped us, she's not there!  Oh boy.  So a new person gets involved.  I tell her what's going on, I show her all my papers.  She fiddles on the computer. She disappears into an office in the back somewhere.  I stand at customer service and I wait.  A nice guy asks if I want a chair.  I decline.  I would love to sit down, but I want to stand there and see how much I am suffering and how much of a discomfort all of this is.

After an eternity she comes back and tells me that things are good.  She uses a lot of language I didn't understand, but the bottom line was reiterated that I can pick up my stuff in Anderson when they call.

So, since I am there, I decide to ask.  I ask if they have any cribs?  She looks it up and says yes they do!  Hmmm... I wonder how long they've know this.  I give it the benefit of the doubt, since I was suppose to get a call ASAP when they were available.  I tell her I want to order one.  She thinks I want to add it to my other order.  I tell her I don't care how its done, but I want that crib and I want to pick it up in the Anderson store.  She fiddles more on the computer.  They check me out.  Staple all my pieces of paper together and I'm out the door.

Exhausted!

Now we just wait two weeks for it to arrive and hope its what we wanted.  The nightstand will take longer, but its not a necessity right now and it should arrive before the birth.

I would like a little something in my lemonade now.

Eggplant

How far along: 25 weeks!

How big is baby:  Now the size of an eggplant.  Approximately 1.5 pounds, the weight of a medium rutabaga.

Total weight gain:  up 17 pounds now.  Eek.  That's 7 since the last visit 5 weeks ago.  If I didn't feel like the bottomless pit all the time it might not be so much.  But, the doctor was not concerned, so neither am I.

Maternity clothes:  Loving them.  Some of my non-maternity shirts are starting to get tight.  It might be time to fully switch over.
Sleep: Not getting enough due to the Olympics.  I'm staying up past my bed time trying to watch all I can.  I don't make it too late but later than I should.
Best moment this week:  Seeing Abby's room get trim and doors.  Some furniture is on order.  Its all coming together.

Gender: Girl!

Craving: Again, another week for beer.  Especially after the great debacle we had trying to get a crib. 

Movement: She's responding more to sounds.  She likes church music.  She was quite antsy in church on Sunday.
Labor Signs: None, yeah!

Belly Button in or out:  Still in.  But getting flatter.

Stretch marks: Still none.

What I miss: Not missing much this week.  Its still all surreal.  I guess this is the happy phase of 2nd trimester.

What I am looking forward to:  We are going away for the weekend in a few weeks.  I'm planning on getting a prenatal message.  I think that would be magnificent!

Milestones:  No biggies this week.  Got some furniture ordered, got some trim on the walls.  Got to hear the heartbeat again.  I go back in just 3 weeks for my glucose testing.  Blah!

 

Mother Nature

My mother in law has a small farm of miniature donkeys.  There is 14 or so of these little creatures roaming the pasture between her house and ours.  They are no burden to us.  They are far enough away from our house we can't hear them, or smell them.  They are all friendly.  They will come to the fence when you walk by.  The will nip at your pants when you go into the pasture.  They are loving pets.

Yesterday I got word that one was having a baby.  After I got home and did my chores, I walked up to the barn hoping to see the new baby.  I was surprised to see Missy still in labor.  And she wasn't looking good.  Things had stalled and the vet was on the way.  She laid down in her stall.  Occasionally rolling around in agony.  She would periodically stand up.  I felt the need to stay with her.  Maybe a mothering instinct.  When she would stand, I would pat her head or rub her ears.  I would talk to her and tell her what a good job she was doing. 

Once the vet arrived he didn't feel optimistic about the situation either.  He said he could save Missy, but the baby is probably already gone.  They sedated her and was able to extract the baby.  The tiny Jennette had worked herself breech.  There was no way Missy was going to birth her alone.  As feared, the baby wasn't alive, but Missy would make a full recovery. 

When I left, I walked home through the woods and I stopped to smell the air.  To take a moment to process it all.  I was heartbroken for Missy.  I knew she would be missing her baby.  She experienced my biggest fear.  She carried that baby for 14 months and now its gone.  I'm not traumatized by the event.  I stayed on my own free will.  I wanted to see what would happen, I wanted to be the moral support for Missy that I knew I would need if I was in that situation.  I know she can't speak, but she can listen.  She needed to hear comforting things, to be reassured that everything would be ok. 

Every day, every thing is a blessing.  I gave Abby a good rub as I stood there in the woods.  She responded with a pat back.  They say there is nothing stronger than an bond between a mother and a child, and only mothers understand that.  I believe that's true.  I think Abby knows what I need and when I need it.  She was active while I talked to Missy.  Kinda of like a reminder that I'm doing the right thing.  Like I had my own little cheerleader helping me. 

At my check up this morning it was amazing to once again hear her heartbeat.  A sweet sound following by gentle kicking to let me know everything is ok.

Amazing Grace

Yesterday, a sweet friend of mine went into Labor and Delivery to have her miracle.

Heather and I have never met in person.  We became friends on a photography forum.  There was a sub forum for Infertility and some how we hit it off.  We are the same age but we have different diagnosis.  It didn't matter, the journey's had been the same.  She was very comforting through my first IVF.  When it came time for her IVF, I cheered her on, sending her good luck notes, and even a special care package.  I was delighted that her first was successful.

She's picked me up when I have been at my lowest.  Even though we only communicate through facebook, or text message, she is my savior.  She understands the true heart ache of infertility and the continuing anxiety it brings into pregnancy. She has never once thought I was being irrational.  She said pleasing words time and time again as I fell deeper and deeper.  And the day of my BFP, she was one of the first to know, complete with pictures of pee sticks.  She was and still is my biggest cheerleader.  Hundreds of miles away, cheering me on.

As she went into the hospital yesterday, I sent her one last message of encouragement.  I told her that day is the day she had been waiting for.  All the needles, the poking, the prodding are all done and the pain is in the past.  The painful part is over. 

I didn't really feel the impact of that statement until later that morning.  We were sitting in church, the organist and pianist playing a duet of Amazing Grace.  I wanted to cry right there.  It was true.  All the pain of infertility was much more intense then that which would come with child birth.  I'm not fearful of delivery, and maybe this is why.  I know what I've been through and how physically and emotionally hard it has been to get there.  At the point of delivery, I am ready.

I still waiting to hear word on Baby Boys arrival.  I don't want to pester too much.  I know she will tell me as soon as she can.  All I can do now is pray for a safe arrival into the world. 

Spot Check

So here I am, over 24 weeks in (20 of those known weeks), and every time I go to the bathroom, I still check for blood. 

Every.single.time.

I have a feeling that's not going to stop.