To soothe or not to soothe

It finally seems that Abby has found ways to soothe herself. 

I was scared in the beginning to introduce a pacifier.  Much to my mother in laws dismay, I initially refused because establishing breastfeeding was more important to me.  Once I felt she had a good latch, I let her try a paci.  But she didn't like it.  She sucked on her hands from the beginning, so we assumed she would be a thumb sucker.

I noticed one day that she wasn't soothing herself with the sucking, it was only a hunger sign.  So I tried another type of paci.  She took it and sucked away.  She couldn't hold it in her mouth long, but she seemed to enjoy it.  So for Christmas I bought her a wabbanub. Hoping that the extra weight could help her hold it in her mouth.  Mostly at night, when trying to go to bed. 

She took to the lamb ok, at times.  Its mostly a suck, suck, spit out.  Suck, suck, spit out.  Repeat, repeat, repeat, type thing.  One day we noticed that she couldn't get the paci part to her mouth, so she sucked on the lambs ear.  I guess the softness, and the flatness did the trick.  We began to wonder if she would just rather suck on a blanket.

Just lately, she's rediscovered her hands.  She will shove her fist in her mouth and slobber away on it.  At times, a finger will poke out, or a thumb. She doesn't suck on it long, but I can tell its all about comfort and not hunger.

Last night I went to the jar of pacis (because I've bought every brand trying to see what she would take) and pulled out the Nuk.  After working it in her mouth for a while, she finally took it and sucked away.  She cuddled with me in the chair.  It was the first time in a long time that she wasn't fussy in the evenings.  She was content with letting me sit in the chair and relax. 

She didn't want to sleep with the paci, but I think it helped soothe her enough to get her through till bed time.  I know plenty of parents have told me they wish they had never given their kids one, and I might be that way, but I just want her to find a way to comfort herself. She's a relatively happy baby.  Especially in the mornings, but in the evenings she can be a really handle.  The last thing I want is for our only quality time of the day be hard on both of us.

I'm excited to see how she does with the Nuk this evening.  I attached a strap to it and left it with her at daycare.  I am hoping that she will try it more during the day, therefore utilizing it more in the evenings.  We shall see. 

This is all a learning experience by trial and error.  Gene told me the other day that it seems so natural to me.  I told him its not, I just don't give up.  If something doesn't work, I try something else.  If that doesn't work, try again.  I don't have all the answers.  A lot of times he will ask me what to do with her when she's crying and fussy and nothing is working.  I don't know what to say to do because I really don't.  You just have to be creative.  Even if that means waddling around the house, or sitting on the bed rocking back and forth at a rapid speed.  She's not a doll baby, she's a human.  (and pretty darn cute too).

Transitions

Life in the past 12 weeks has changed for all of us.  I knew Gene and I could handle the new changes, but I was most worried about how JJ would handle it all.

On the outside, he seems to be doing really well.  He wants to hold her and play with her.  He dotes on her like any big brother would.  He's gentle and kind to her. He even attempted to change a diaper by himself.

But its come out of him a few times that hes jealous of all the attention.  He doesn't direct it toward me.  But he has told Gene and his mother a few things that break my heart.

He confessed to Gene last week that he doesn't think I'm giving him the same attention as I use to.  He's felt ignored.  His example was that I didn't say Bless You to him when he sneezed, and I always say bless you.  Who knows why I didn't that time.  I don't remember it, but it wasn't deliberate. He also said he doesn't feel like he can tell me things because I'm so busy with Abby. 

I don't want him to feel this way.  I know its hard to be the center of attention for 11 years and all of a sudden you have to share.  I can't imagine what's going on in his head. 

I think his problems are coming from more people than just us.  Everyone loves a new baby.  Everyone wants to hold it and play with it.  Including Grandparents. 

I'm hoping that when the newness wears off, so will his hurt feelings.  In the mean time, I'm trying to do everything I can to make him feel special.  Even if it means sacrificing special baby moments.

Oh, so that's why

When shopping for maternity clothes, I was befuddled to find that most every shirt was a v neck or a deep scoop.  I'm not a large chested girl, so I found it frustrating to find something that I felt comfortable in.  That was also appropriate to wear to work (at a children's hospital).

Once I started breastfeeding it all made sense.  Its so much easier to nurse with a scoop or v neck!  A regular neck you have to lift your shirt up and bunch it under your chin.  Which I found very uncomfortable and awkward.  (It might be better now that I have a better feeling about latching and how to hold her while she's feeding).  But with a v-neck, just pull that puppy down and pop out the boob!  So much easier!

I also found it better to wear camisoles that don't have the built in shelf bra.  That too just got bunched up under my chin and drove me nuts! 

Needless to say, I needed to invest in some new things in order to help me feed Abby better. And now I have the cleavage to show off a v neck!

Day two

Today is harder than yesterday.  It was harder to get up. Yesterday it felt like I only had to do it for one day.  I think I convinced myself that it was a one day thing, which made today even worse. 

Abby was awake when I dropped her off today.  She was happy and smiling and I just wanted to play with her.  She did great yesterday.  She took her bottles well.  She didn't cry or fuss.  She napped.  Its all a mother could ask for.

I think its hard on my because I tend to have frequent periods of downtime at work.  During the times yesterday I couldn't but help to think about what I could be doing at home.  I could be playing with Abby.  I could be helping Gene.  I could be running errands with Abby in the moby.  I tried to distract myself with the Internet and counting down the hours.  It helped go faster when I counted down to each pumping session. 

Pumping every three hours gives me three times a day that I can relax and just focus on what I can do at work for Abby.  I look through my phone pictures, watch some videos I made of her.  Imagine we are snuggling in the chair.

Some say it gets easier over time, but I'm not sure it will.  I think it will always be hard, I'll just have to adapt.

The 5th Day

Wow... what a month its been.  I've been trying to sit down and write for days (weeks) now, but I just can't find the time!   Why, because I've got a newborn completely taking up all my time.

Abigail Olivia decided to arrive 2 weeks early on November 5.

We had been teasing some friends that were out of town all weekend that we were at the hospital.  They were really concerned that we would have the baby while they were away.  They even invited Gene and JJ to come for a while, but I told Gene that wasn't going to happen.

Sunday morning I felt a little sore.  I was doing my morning routine and things just felt a little different.  I was having braxton hicks (or what I thought were).  It crossed my mind that this could be it, but i hadn't had any signs that it was time.  My water hadn't broken, I didn't have the "bloody show", and the cramping really wasn't that painful.  They continued on into the afternoon and I started monitoring them.  Thank heavens for smart phones and apps.  I downloaded an app that let me clock how long and how frequent they were.  By 4:00 they were 7-8 minutes.  Gene came home at that point and we decided that if they got to 5 minutes, we would go to the hospital.  Well, at 7:30 we decided it was time to go.  Better to be safe than sorry.

The drive to the hospital was surreal.  I couldn't believe this could be it.  I think I had convinced myself it was just false labor and I would be home later that night.

We headed up to the 6th floor triage.  I told the nurse what was happening and they gave me a room.  They hooked me up to the monitors.  They did my blood pressure and then asked for the other arm.  She said that side was a little high, she wanted to make sure it was really like that.  She took the other side. While it was doing its thing, Gene asked what "high" was.  She said it was 170 over something.  And then the other side came up at 150 over something.

I knew at this point that I probably wasn't going anywhere for the night.

The doctor came in.  She explained that my blood pressure was too high.  Because I was a day shy of 38 weeks, they weren't going to send me home.  I wasn't dilated at all yet, so she said they would start me on meds to do that and meds to try to prevent my body from reacting to the high pressures.

We started making calls.  Letting our parents know that it was baby time.  Some time within the next 24 hours, we would be having a baby.

Then the doctor came back in.  She wanted to check the baby's position with the ultrasound.  She moved the probe around for a while before telling us that she was breech.  Ha!  Either she turned back, or she didn't turn at all.  (We think the later).

So... this meant a change of plans.  This required a C-section.  There were no other options.  But, because I had decided to eat dinner, they couldn't do it till the morning because of the risk of aspiration.  So, I was wheeled to a delivery room to get comfy for the night.  I was hooked up to an IV and medicine.

The nurse warned me that the meds would make my body feel hot, but I wasn't prepared for what that was going to feel like.  I have never felt that hot before in my entire life.  It was an immediate surge of heat.  Even my eyes felt hot!

Once that was regulated, I laid in bed for a while.  Watching the teeny tiny TV.  Gene slept soundly on the couch next to me.  Around 2 the nurse asked me if I wanted something to help me sleep.  I contemplated it, and ultimately decided for something.  I knew the next day would be long and I wasn't going to get any sleep on my own that night.  I had 4 more hours to go.

I was out instantly.  I was awoken shortly before 6.  The nurse was prepping me for the OR.  Gene was getting prepped as well.  I was wheeled down the hall into the OR suite.

I was given a spinal to numb me.  It didn't hurt nearly like I thought it would.  It was no different that an IV or a needle stick.

Gene appeared at my side and I could hear the doctor starting to work.  It all happened so fast.  I could hear them say she was peeing and pooping as they brought her out.  I could hear them talking about how beautiful she was and how much hair she had.

They wrapped her up and held her next to me so I could see her.  It was all still surreal.

They prepared me for recovery.  The baby went to the nursery to get checked and Gene went to tell his parents.

I don't remember much from the recovery room.  I do remember they brought Abby to me to hold her skin to skin.  She was making all kinds of noises.  The nurse told me she would have to go back to the nursery to get checked.  In an instant she was whisked away and I wasn't sure why.  The nurses continued to clean me up.  Which included pushing down on my uterus.  Even though I was numb from the waist down, I still felt every second of that pushing!  Gosh it hurt!

From there, I was wheeled to my room.  Gene went to check on Abby and brought her back to the room.

We were able to have a moment alone, just the three of us.  It was incredible.  We finally had the thing that we had been working so hard for.

All my hopes and fears were right there in my arms.  She was precious.  She was so tiny.  She weighed in at 6 pounds 8 ounces.  She was 18 and 3/4 inches long.  She was a petite little thing.  No baby chub at all.  A full head of dark brown hair.  It was love at first sight.

It wasn't much longer after that that the parade of family members started.  Shirley and Gregg had been there since right after she was born.  They were upset that they weren't in the waiting room the moment she was born.  My parents arrived later in the morning.  JJ came that afternoon.  He was so proud.  I don't think the big brother grin has left his face.

We were complete. We were whole.  It was a long journey, but it was all worth it.

Glasses of Lemonade for everyone!

Back to the Grind

It's been 12 weeks since my last post.  How do I know that?  That's how old my baby is. 

I thought I could find the time at home to post.  To jot down my thoughts on motherhood.  To document Abby's development.  But as any new parent could tell you, there just wasn't time.  Most of the day I didn't have a computer and the ipad keyboard annoys me, so I gave up trying.  I started a post on her birth and will get that up soon.  I hope to document a backlog of ideas in my head. 

I'm now back at work.  Which is sad.  I miss her.  I miss her a lot.  I didn't think I would want to be a stay at home mom.  I didn't know what I would do all day.  But now that I've seen how wonderful it is, its very hard to go back to working.  I loved not having a set schedule.  We developed a routine, but everything was loose and accommodating to both our needs.  I never once set an alarm.  We would spend the mornings snuggling.  We would run errands in the afternoon.  We would pick JJ up from school.  There was plenty to do to fill my day.  And some days, it was great to not have to do anything.

I dropped her off at daycare this morning.  It was easier than I thought it would be.  I've cried about it for the past week.  She was sleeping when we left her, so it made it easier.  I've been staring at the clock waiting for the time to come to leave.  I didn't cry on the way into work.  It made me realize that it wasn't leaving Abby that upset me, it was having to come back to work.  I like my job, but it was so nice not having to do a job.  I loved my job as a mommy.  I loved helping Gene in the shop.  Its a shock to come back to the same old grind. 

Everyone is glad I'm back but me.  I'm hoping in the future we can work something out to go part time.  The only factor holding me here is health insurance.  Private health insurance is just something we can't afford right now.  I think its ridiculous that people are encouraged to become entrepreneurs and small business owners, but to do that you have to give up the benefits of corporate America.  I'm hoping that the day will come when we have that option.  And that it doesn't come too late. 

I'm ready to go back to being a full time mommy.