Hope

I believe in destiny.  I believe in faith.  I believe things happen for reason.

I have a friend that sent me a special gift.  She could have sent anything, but she sent me something she knew I needed.  She sent me lucky socks.  Why?  Because she's been there.  She's tried to squeeze the hell out of lemons, just to make a little lemonade. 

Included was a little note that with a special hug from her miracle girl.  It made me cry. 

This time of year, I didn't need stuff, I just needed hope.  Thanks secret elf for giving me hope.

That's a nice present

My drugs are on their way to me.  What a great christmas present.  $1500 worth of drugs!  That should also come with the mega pack of toilet paper because the anxiety has already started to creep in and I have a feeling I'm going to be needed it, a lot. 

Fasten your seatbelts

This ride is now in motion.  We've boarded and there is no turning back. (Well, at this point you can, but I'm not really going to let myself do that). 

My favorite Aunt decided to join me for Thanksgiving which means the next treatment cycle is a go.  I'm buckled in and slowly creeping up the tracks. 

I'm doping myself everyday with a healthy dose of birth control pills to shut everything down.  It looks like we will start meds after the first of the year.  (We knew that anyway).  It will be good not to be a hormonal mess over the holidays.  It will also give me something to look forward to afterwards.  There is always that depressing down time after the holidays, when you realize all the pomp and circumstance is over and there is no fun holiday in sight for months.

I think I'll make some lemon cookies this year to honor the crazyness that this year has been.

Its time to be thankful

Its November, that time of year we all think about how thankful we are.  Yes, I have a lot to be thankful for.  I've got a great family, I've got a precious stepson,  I have a dog that goes berserk every time he sees me.  (I love it when his tail wags so hard his entire butt moves back and forth!)

And, I also have great friends.  Friends who have been there.  Friends who know what the roller coaster is like and what a wild ride it is.  I had an interesting conversation with a male friend.  Him and his wife dealt wit infertility many years ago.  (Their twins are JJ's besties.)  We were talking about a recent failed cycled.  He was apologetic that it didn't work, and he also apologized that his wife didn't tell him we were cycling again.

But, from the perspective of a person who had been there and won, he told me the worst thing I could do is let myself get wrapped up in it.  And ya know, its true.  And that's my nature.  I easily get wrapped up in things.  I can go into full on panic in warp speed.  He told me, its gonna be what its gonna be.  Just follow the doctors directions and there isn't much else you can do for it.

I left the conversation feeling a little raw, thinking he was just telling me to relax and it will happen, but he knows better.  He knows its not just gonna happen.  But in a way, it does just happen, and causing undue stress to yourself doesn't make it any easier.

That's my goal for the next cycle.  Not to get wrapped up.  Not to panic, not to worry.  It a big task, a really, really hard task for me.  But, now having gone through it all I have an idea of what to expect, so I feel better prepared.

Man Down

Nothing hurts worse to an infertile than an announcement of another's pregnancy.  Worse than the needles, worse than the dildo cam when your ovaries are coconuts, worse than the sight of the words "Not Pregnant" on a home test, nothing is as worse.

I'm a nice person, and I try to be cordial, but it just eats me alive.  Here I am 24 months into it and I've got nothing.  I've been to the end of the treatment realm and back and I got nadda (not even a cute t-shirt!).  You wink at your partner and you're knocked up.

I know the hurt is not intentional and there is nothing you nor I could do about it, its just one of those things in life that sucks.

Well, that was pleasent

Something they don't tell you after you have a laproscopy is that when Aunt Flow shows up she's severely pissed off that you ransacked her hiding hole.  I certainly wasn't prepared for the monstrosity that arrived post lap.

That was the worst period of my life.  I'm pleased to say that it was a once in a lifetime occurrence.  Things are now back in working order. 

I feel the need to tell the doctors and nurses they need to tell you this.  I did ask the nurse and she did warn me that others have reported that it was heavier than usual.  Heavier than usual is an understatement!  I'm curious to know if they inject a little extra up in there when they are rooting around, because I can't figure out for the life of me where it all came from!

I was paranoid that that was going to be my life from now on.  Boy am I relieved!

Approximate Wait Time Is...

You know when you go to an amusement park and at the end of the line is a sign that tells you from this point how long your wait is.  Well, I'm at that sign and its telling me my wait time is approximately 28-36 days.

We're in a holding pattern. Apparently you need to break for one cycle before they will let you ride again.  I think that's shit, and I'm ready to ride again.  Bring it ON!  But, no.  I get to sit on the sidelines as my ute refreshes itself.  I get to spend 28-36 days (or longer, who knows) waiting.  I'm not a very patient person.  Well, I am, but I'm not.  Not in situations like this.  As Gene says, "Do it and be done with it".  

That's all I want to do, do it and be done with it.

You've got to start somewhere

So here I am, I've been sitting with this blog for several months, but I haven't done anything with it.  I figured there is no time like the present then to start.

I'm one of them.  One of those women you look at and wonder why she doesn't have any children.  Well, I do have a child, a sweet, caring, fun loving, step son.  He's 10.  He's fantastic.  He's adopted from Korea.  So not only am I THAT women, I get those looks.  You know, the awww.. how sad that they couldn't have their own, so they adopted.  You wouldn't recognize them, but I do, I see them.

So what is that women, I am that which is infertile. Well, at this point I am the one who cannot get pregnant.  2 years ago I thought it would be easy.  Just have sex, and voila... you get a family.  I was the good girl that didn't sleep around, that had protected sex, that even worried that the protection she used for some reason failed and she was doomed.  Isn't hind sight awful! 

What brings me to start this blog, on this day, is I've failed again.  For a year, we've been undergoing fertility treatments.  It started off simply.  We were diagnosed with a male factor disorder.  It wasn't severe, but the odds of naturally conceiving were against us.  We tried the basics.  I did clomid with timed intercourse- fail.  I did clomid with planned IUI- but that failed due to no response to the clomid.  I did Femara and IUI- fail.  I did Femara and IUI with Gonal-F- fail.  We moved on to IVF, with high anticipation, but that was also a fail.  We did exploratory laproscopy and found I had an abdomen full of endometriosis.  (Thanks, mom).  We also found that looking back, I probably have insulin resistant ovaries, causing them to create lesser quality eggs (thanks, dad). 

Once we scraped the mold off the bread, I thought we were golden.  We had another shot by using the lone frozen embryo that we scrounged from the first IVF.  With high hopes (and a headache, abdominal cramps, and the threat of a head cold) we transferred back a scrappy looking embryo.

That was 11 days ago.  Yesterday morning I did what I had done many mornings before.  I peed in a cup and I waited.  Deep in my gut, I knew the answer.  I even went out and bought the line pregnancy test because I couldn't bear to see the words "Not Pregnant" again.  Gene thought I was dumb for that, but really, what ever works.  And at this point, I'm one baby (hahaha, pun intended) step from falling into a depression so deep, I'm sure I'll see China. 

Yes, the test confirmed my gut.  It was negative.  And the lone line was no more pleasant than the words, but at least I didn't have to "see" it. 

So here we are, at the crossroads of hope and despair.  We've already decided that we will cycle again.  After all, we paid for 6, we're gonna use 6.  (Well at least 5 and then we'll talk about it... Good God I hope we don't have to use 5). 

Wednesday is my birthday.  Its suppose to be the day of my blood work.  I've called the nurse to see if I can do it tomorrow.  I thought I could handle it, but if its bad news, I just want it to be over.

And now, I go back to making lemonade.