It's confirmed

I've popped.

Yesterday JJ happened to be walking by me, on his way to doing something else, but I caught his attention.  He stopped.  Went, "Oh, Tummy!"  Patted my belly and continued on his way. 

It was the cutest thing. 
So, I guess if he noticed, its official.

Hope

It's been a year.  A year since I was wheeled back to the sterile environment that I thought was the answer to my prayers.  A year since I looked at two perfect embryos and thought all was possible in the world.  If you asked me that day, I would have told you in a year I would be holding my baby.

I might not be holding one in my arms, but I'm extremely thankful to be growing one, and knowing there is a definite time when  I will hold one.

A friend (also struggled with infertility) told me a story about a college friend of hers that was recently told that she wouldn't be able to carry a child.  She has several serious medical conditions and its in her best interest not to go through the process of childbirth.  They also have told her even egg retrieval could be too much for her.  My friend was devastated over the news.  She asked me how or if we would ever get over the feelings of infertility. 

I told her I didn't think we ever would.  After all we've been through, you can't ever get over that.  But I told her the best thing she can do for her friend is give her hope.  You can never give up.  Had I given up a year ago, I probably wouldn't be pregnant right now.  Hope and persistence can and will get you through.

I'm also extremely thankful that my wonderful doctors and nurses also never gave up hope on me.  I was never told it was never going to happen.  I know to me it felt like it never would, but I appreciate their patience and determination to figure it out.  Every single time things failed, they just carried on with a positive attitude. All I needed was that thread of hope.

What is it?

I'm at the stage of is it fat or is it baby.  At times I really feel like the protrusion on my front side is all baby.  Even though I know its early.  I like to flout around the house with my little belly.  But sometimes, I feel like people might just think its all fat!  Its still not super firm, but its all in the front and its not huge. 

I'm still able to wear most of my normal shirts.  Thanks to infertility, I have a lot of shirts that hid the mid section well.  I know I shouldn't be rushing into wanting to get big.  I know come October I will be cursing how big I am. 

I'm just eager to look how I feel. 

Let me also talk about maternity clothes.  I've shopped around lately.  My shorts don't really fit that well.  I have one of those bands that goes around your waist to keep your unbuttoned pants up, but it rolls up sometimes and can get annoying when you have to go to the bathroom a bazillion times in a day.  So, I went shopping for shorts.  For years I have been looking at all the cute maternity things in stores and hoping for the day when I actually need them. 

Well, just my luck, I found nada!  I was so disappointed in my shopping adventure.  I know part of it is being in a small area.  The sizes of the maternity section were so ridiculous. I could sneeze further than some of the racks took me.  Everything I found was the same ugly style.  Why do all the stores have to do that to me!

I ended up buying a pair, because I needed them and they would work.  I ordered some things online, but that was a big joke.  I normally don't like to do that because I have to try everything on because I'm weird shaped. I returned all but one thing. Disappointing. 

I'm hoping to have better luck in a few weeks.  I'm not holding my breath.  I might just be wearing a garbage bag come July!

I made it

Today is the first day of my second trimester!

Woot Woot! 

I thought this day wouldn't come.  It feels so good to be here.  I'm still concerned and I know there are a lot more hurdles to get through, but just reaching this point is wonderful.

I can't wait for my bloat to become a bump.  It kinds looks bumpy right now, but I'm not really convinced its all baby.  It just seems too high.  I think its all that bacon I keep eating.  Hopefully in the next few weeks it will work itself out.

Till then, I'll just keep having more lemonade.

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day.  I couldn't tell you the number of people who came up to me and congratulated me and wished me happy mothers day.  It rubbed me though.  Because I already am a mother.

I care for JJ just like his mom does.  Although he doesn't call me mom, I do all the momly things when he is with us.  For three years I've officially had this role, six if you go unofficially.  I know what he likes and doesn't, when he's sick, or lying.  He snuggles with me on the couch. I go to all his soccer games and school functions.  We are pretty much the average family. 

I know its different having your own child.  But I don't think its fair that step-mothers get forgotten.  Gene and JJ have always thought of me before, but it was obvious how many other people didn't even think of it.

Being a step parent is hard.  At least for me it is.  I know I will never be his mother, and I don't want to take anything away from his mother.  But, I want to be a part of his life.  Its a very tricky balance.  One that JJ handles well, but at times I've had my struggles.  Its only going to get trickier. 

Big Sigh

Today was our NT scan.  I've had no symptoms to think things weren't going well, but I still couldn't let go of the feeling that something can still go wrong.  I really think the Celexa has helped me not go over the edge, which I'm glad to have.

We had to wait a while for the ultrasound room to be ready.  I wasn't nervous, but I wasn't excited.  Once she pressed the wand to my belly, and I saw the blob appear, and then I heard the heartbeat, I knew it was all real now. 

It was so cool to see how much its changed in just three weeks.  We could see arms and legs.  Fingers and toes. The head looked good.  We could see eye sockets and the heart.  Baby was being a little stubborn and it wouldn't move around and get in the right position.  But, with enough poking, it finally moved.  I hadn't really eaten anything for a while, so next time I will make sure to have something to excite it. 

 

The tech was able to give us an guesstimate on the gender.  At this point it really is just a guess because you can't tell, but she's detecting girl.  The doctor said she usually is pretty accurate, but we will have to wait a few more weeks to find out.  Either way we are excited, but we've been feeling like its a girl.

I feel safe now.  I know things can still happen, but I know that the largest hurdle is over.  I plan on telling the boss on Monday.  I've heard I'm being questioned in the rumor mill, so I better do it soon.  I know I can't continue to hide behind over sized cardigans and little weight jackets. 

*sigh*

The cat's out of the bag

So pretty much the whole town knows now.  I knew it would happen sooner or later.  I'm still anxious about it.  I'm not sure I'll ever not be anxious. 

Gene's been eager to tell since I peed on the stick.  We of course told our families first, and the few close friends that knew about our struggles. I convinced Gene to wait to tell others, including JJ.  After our first OB appointment, I felt like we were over a larger part of the hurdle, so I agreed we could tell JJ.  I also didn't want to keep the secret anymore.

We knew at that point that people would start to hear about it.  Immediately a few more close friends found out.  At that point, I decided I wouldn't deny it, but I wasn't going to brag about it.  I'm really a shy person.  I don't like attention drawn to myself.  I'm not going to blab it out in general conversation.

Last night we were hanging out with more friends.  (The circles get bigger the further you go from the core.  This was the outer rim group).  Us ladies were talking about lady things, lady parts and such, and those monthly things we endure.  The one friend nodded at me like she wanted to say something, but wanted my approval first.  I agreed and she made a subtle comment that I wouldn't have to worry for a few months about all that stuff. 

It was well received and lots of questions were asked. It felt ok to have people know, but I'm still worried.  And, I don't like being the center of attention, so its always awkward for me to have people fawn over me. 

The one mom told me her kids had been asking her if I was ok.  I found it odd that they could pick up on it.  I've had several other people tell me as well that I've appeared different.  I don't think I've changed.  Well, besides my expanding tummy, which got its first pat last night.  (Thanks for patting my bloat man!)  I've heard I have that glow.  I think that's really just the sunburn from soccer. 

Gene has told me I laugh a lot more.  He thinks its cute to watch me watch a comedy on tv.  I guess deep down inside I am happy.  I just have that tough outer layer of anxiety that only I can feel.

I can't wait for Friday.  I am eager to see how much Olive has changed in the three weeks since we've seen each other. I hope the days go by fast.  I have a lot to keep me busy over the next few days, so I'm thinking they might. 

I'll reach the end of the first trimester next week.  I might celebrate with a glass of lemonade.

Journey

During my IVF cycles, my mom would give my a little care package.  In this package were small gifts to be open every night.  She knows I don't like needles and she knows the emotional toll I was putting myself through.  I looked forward to that little surprise, each and every night.  They weren't grand things, but just small items that made me smile, or laugh, or take my mind off the current situation.

This last round, one of the packages were two key chains.  Each was a small croc shoe (which I have several pairs of.  BTW, the dressier styles are so comfy). One was green and had a happy gibit in it, and one was purple, with a L gibit in it.  I took the purple one immediately downstairs and attached it to my keychain.  I knew it looked silly, but I loved it.

Last weekend, Gene and I were buying a new car (yeah for me!).  He told me I had too many key chains on my key ring and I should consolidate.  I told him I didn't want to, that the croc and the wooden medallion he made does not make it too much.

This weekend, we were in Atlanta for a soccer tournament.  He of course was driving the new ride.  He decided to take the shoe off the key chain and leave it in the car.  I begged and pleaded with him to keep it on, but he just wouldn't, and I didn't want to get to the root of my concern with JJ being there.

You see, that shoe symbolizes my journey.  Its a reminder to me of the steps I've walked.  How much its taken for me to get where I am.  I look at it every day and think back to the nights of wondering and waiting.  Its silly really, but its important to me.  I'll never forget where I've been.  I'll never forget that miracle can happen.  And if its just a little key chain that can help me do that, then I'll take it.

3 years

Today is my anniversary.  Gene and I married 3 years ago today.  It was such a happy day.  We were so eager to start our lives together.  Although we had been engaged for over a year, and living together at that time.

We were eager to finish our house, be successful in our careers, and start a family.  We were naive to believe that all of that would happen so quickly.  The first blow was Gene losing his job the day we returned from our honeymoon.  What a way to start your new life together.  But, it worked out for the best.  We couldn't be happier with the success of his business.

Once we started fertility treatments, house plans were put on hold.  Small things could get done, but most of the money saved up, went to finance treatments.  It was a painful decision, but we knew we would be in the house for forever, so time wasn't an issue.

6 months after we were married, we decided to start a family.  We were also naive to think that we wouldn't have any problems.  I knew that it could take a while, but after the first year past, I knew we had problems.

I know the journey we have been on has only made us stronger. I would change a thing about it, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  The emotional roller coaster is not a ride I enjoyed. 

I feel blessed to be were we are today.  Joyously celebrating 3 years, and looking forward to becoming a family of 4. It hard to believe that we've been through so much in such a short time.  I hope the next few years are a little less stressful!

Papa don't preach

I'm not a devoutly religious person.  I was raised in a church.  I attend church.  I believe in God and I celebrate Christian holidays (although, mostly from the hallmark side).

Over the past year, my belief began to dwindle.  I couldn't fathom how or why I was the one being punished or burdened with the life of infertility. 

The last few times we have been in church, I have cried.  At the same point in every service, I tear up.  During the time of prayer, the minister talks about those listed in need of prayer, about the things in life that need prayer, and about the community around us.  But each time, at the end, he concludes with asking God to listen to the silent prayers we keep in our hearts.

Many a Sunday, I sat there at that time and prayed for different parts of our treatments to work.  I prayed medicines would work.  I prayed embryos would grow.  Ultimately, I prayed for a baby.

As I sit there in the pew now, I have an answer to that prayer.  And, I can't help but cry that my pray was answered.  Again, I'm not devoutly religious.  I do believe that things happen for a reason.  I don't understand the reasoning sometimes.

I do know that at  point were I was at my lowest, I was picked up.  Whether is was because of God or not, I don't know.  But when I needed it most, my prayers were answered.