The lazy boy is my new favorite spot. If I could bring it to work I would. My energy level is 0%. I can push through it and get some things done, but all I really want to do it lay down.
I'm not sleepy, just tired. It exhausts me to do the smallest tasks. I can't wait till tomorrow when I can sleep in, or just get up at my own pace.
I'm embracing the fatigue and all my other symptoms. The cramping is still there, it comes and goes. Nothing strong, just a reminder that something is going on. I try not to over analyze it (the Celexa also helps with that). If its not my ute that's aching, its my back, but that's just another reminder that somethings doing what its suppose to be doing.
My appetite is coming back. Before we left for California, I had a few episodes of panic, and it destroyed my appetite. I feel like things are coming back, although some textures are setting me off. I really only feel queasy during the night right now. I wake up to pee and feel a little icky.
We get to see the peanut again on Tuesday. That might be the last time for a while. We will leave Dr. Miller and head to someone new. I'm sad because I've gotten use to them and I like them. The receptionist even knows me by name. I'm trying not to cry even now thinking about it.
Its a happy point, its what we wanted, but it just all still seems so surreal.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Hi Peanut
Peanut, meet the world.
World, meet my peanut.
All is good in baby land. Got to see the bud for the first time today. It was amazing. I was super anxious to know what was going on, but as soon as I could see the flicker and the little white speck, I knew it was all real. The emotions were overwhelming. The sound was surreal.
I'm 6 weeks and 1 day. That makes me due November 19, 2012. Just in time for turkey day.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Up, Up and Away!
Toady's Beta= 3411! That's fantastic! The nurse seems pleased that things are moving right on track.
I'm holding myself together. I had a little (ok, it really wasn't so little) freak out yesterday. I'm prone to anxiety problems, and I worked myself into a good one. I know my body is going to change, a lot, over the next few weeks, doing different things at different times. Yesterday, my body changed and I panicked. I went from crampy to just sore and achy. Some pinching, but nothing sharp, or stabbing, or take my breath away. But it was a difference.
I assumed the worst and then couldn't get myself settled. I found some good distractions and some time with my feet up in the recliner to be good medicine.
I spoke with the nurse today about my anxiety. She said its normal, and certainly for someone who has been through all I've been through. She said she could call me in something. Its better to control it then let it spiral out of control. I'm all for better living through chemistry.
I honestly feel better knowing the beta results from today. I know its going to be another 9 months of hurry up and wait. I'm not patient at patience. I just have to keep myself from going over the edge (which means staying away from Dr. Google!)
I'm holding myself together. I had a little (ok, it really wasn't so little) freak out yesterday. I'm prone to anxiety problems, and I worked myself into a good one. I know my body is going to change, a lot, over the next few weeks, doing different things at different times. Yesterday, my body changed and I panicked. I went from crampy to just sore and achy. Some pinching, but nothing sharp, or stabbing, or take my breath away. But it was a difference.
I assumed the worst and then couldn't get myself settled. I found some good distractions and some time with my feet up in the recliner to be good medicine.
I spoke with the nurse today about my anxiety. She said its normal, and certainly for someone who has been through all I've been through. She said she could call me in something. Its better to control it then let it spiral out of control. I'm all for better living through chemistry.
I honestly feel better knowing the beta results from today. I know its going to be another 9 months of hurry up and wait. I'm not patient at patience. I just have to keep myself from going over the edge (which means staying away from Dr. Google!)
Friday, March 16, 2012
Gut feelings
I got a phone call last night. I hesitated to answer because it came up a Blocked. I love caller ID and I'm not afraid to not answer if I see its someone I don't want to talk to. I don't like when it says Blocked because its pot luck on who it could be.
But, my gut told me to answer it. And I'm glad I did. It was Dr. Miller calling to congratulate us. He had been out of the office all week, but the nurse called to tell him the news. He was thrilled, and shocked, and very encouraging.
He said these things can happen. They don't happen often, but they can happen. After months of what seemed like we were chasing one new thing after another, here we are. It was wonderful to hear his voice and know that they are going to continue to take care of us.
My biggest fear yesterday was that I was going to be left alone. After all, this was a surprise. Why would they feel the need to continue to see me? Wouldn't I be considered like any other pregnant woman?
No, he reassured me that they would continue to monitor my blood work, and he would see me at my first ultrasound!
I feel blessed to have such a great staff of doctors and nurses really looking out for my well being. Everyone in the office knows me, and every single one cares about me. Its not a small office either.
But, my gut told me to answer it. And I'm glad I did. It was Dr. Miller calling to congratulate us. He had been out of the office all week, but the nurse called to tell him the news. He was thrilled, and shocked, and very encouraging.
He said these things can happen. They don't happen often, but they can happen. After months of what seemed like we were chasing one new thing after another, here we are. It was wonderful to hear his voice and know that they are going to continue to take care of us.
My biggest fear yesterday was that I was going to be left alone. After all, this was a surprise. Why would they feel the need to continue to see me? Wouldn't I be considered like any other pregnant woman?
No, he reassured me that they would continue to monitor my blood work, and he would see me at my first ultrasound!
I feel blessed to have such a great staff of doctors and nurses really looking out for my well being. Everyone in the office knows me, and every single one cares about me. Its not a small office either.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
968
.
That's no stock image. Those are mine, all mine! Taken today. This morning. After being awake since 4am, trying to hold my pee till the alarm went off, I peed on two sticks and then did the third just because I like odd numbers! The positive stripe appeared before the fluid even got to the control line. I forced the sticks in Gene's face and made him wake up and read them, all while sobbing. Its a great memory.
968- that's my Beta (HcG) number! The nurse said anything over 5 was a confirmed pregnancy. What can I say, I'm an overachiever. But I've also been putting off testing for days because I was chicken shit. I've seen so many white test, I didn't want to waste a good test on whiteness. I thought for sure all my symptoms were just PMS and AF would be here any minute. Its true, pregnancy and PMS are extremely alike.
This morning, as I tried not to think about my full bladder, I rationalized with myself that if I tested, at least I could not have any guilt about having a drink tonight. Doesn't look like that's going to happen.
Lemonade anybody?
Monday, March 12, 2012
Its been 367 days
Just a year ago, we sat in the doctors office, listening to his comments, and suggestions. I knew where this convo was going, and it went straight there. Our only hope was IVF.
Here we are 367 days later, 2 IVF, one FET, one lap, and days of waiting.
When we left the office that day, I was certain that it would happen within the year. But no one tells you about all the down time between cycles. Or the time spending waiting for you body to do something (or not do something). The waiting is the longest and hardest part. Everything is time dependent and time only thinks of itself.
Its been a painful 367 days. Hoping, praying, pleading. I want to be naive and think that in 367 more days, I will have a baby (or be expecting one). But, I know better. The last 906 days have been a testament to that.
Here we are 367 days later, 2 IVF, one FET, one lap, and days of waiting.
When we left the office that day, I was certain that it would happen within the year. But no one tells you about all the down time between cycles. Or the time spending waiting for you body to do something (or not do something). The waiting is the longest and hardest part. Everything is time dependent and time only thinks of itself.
Its been a painful 367 days. Hoping, praying, pleading. I want to be naive and think that in 367 more days, I will have a baby (or be expecting one). But, I know better. The last 906 days have been a testament to that.
Friday, March 9, 2012
De-Nied
I feel like the whole world is just telling me no. Medical Science has yet to say yes to me, even just one time. The more I give and give, the more is just plants the Denied stamp on my forehead.
Even worse, in the past few weeks, I've felt like JJ's mom is denying my as well. I know its complicated when multiple people are caring for one child. I'm the organized, planning type. I pay attention to the details and try to make them work as easily as possible. Sometimes, things don't fall during our time, and lately its just has become a huge hassle to make those times up.
Gene and I believe that everything will come out in the wash. You don't need to immediately make up time, because at some point, you will get it back. But she doesn't see it that way. If I thought she was savvy enough, I would guess she has a spreadsheet of times and how many hours we've each had with JJ.
Part of her feels that Gene has the advantage because he picks him up from school everyday and is around till she comes to get him. But, during that time, Gene is working. He's not spending quality time with JJ. Just because he works at home, doesn't mean he isn't working. He's probably working harder than either of us. Its hard to get this point across, she pays this card every now and then, so I know its not sinking in.
When she plays this card, I feel like I'm the one who gets burnt the most. Usually she demands time with him during our time to make up for something that may have occurred that week, or in weeks past, or that might be coming up in the future. But either way, its the only time I get to spend with him and I have to give is up.
Right now, JJ is all I have, and could possibly be all I ever have. Its really hard being the other mother. I know JJ inside and out, just like any parent would. But I don't get full share in parenthood. Its not how I imagined I would be a parent, but if its all I got I'm going to learn to love it.
Even worse, in the past few weeks, I've felt like JJ's mom is denying my as well. I know its complicated when multiple people are caring for one child. I'm the organized, planning type. I pay attention to the details and try to make them work as easily as possible. Sometimes, things don't fall during our time, and lately its just has become a huge hassle to make those times up.
Gene and I believe that everything will come out in the wash. You don't need to immediately make up time, because at some point, you will get it back. But she doesn't see it that way. If I thought she was savvy enough, I would guess she has a spreadsheet of times and how many hours we've each had with JJ.
Part of her feels that Gene has the advantage because he picks him up from school everyday and is around till she comes to get him. But, during that time, Gene is working. He's not spending quality time with JJ. Just because he works at home, doesn't mean he isn't working. He's probably working harder than either of us. Its hard to get this point across, she pays this card every now and then, so I know its not sinking in.
When she plays this card, I feel like I'm the one who gets burnt the most. Usually she demands time with him during our time to make up for something that may have occurred that week, or in weeks past, or that might be coming up in the future. But either way, its the only time I get to spend with him and I have to give is up.
Right now, JJ is all I have, and could possibly be all I ever have. Its really hard being the other mother. I know JJ inside and out, just like any parent would. But I don't get full share in parenthood. Its not how I imagined I would be a parent, but if its all I got I'm going to learn to love it.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
I think it hates me
I'm having the worst PMS. The worst ever. The cramps, not fun. I've never cramped like this before with out bleeding. Its tourture. I'm scared it means there is more endo. I'm scared it will mean that the biopsy will find something and we will have to do the depo shots.
I hate living in fear and being anxious all the time.
I hate living in fear and being anxious all the time.
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