De-Nied

I feel like the whole world is just telling me no.  Medical Science has yet to say yes to me, even just one time.  The more I give and give, the more is just plants the Denied stamp on my forehead.

Even worse, in the past few weeks, I've felt like JJ's mom is denying my as well.  I know its complicated when multiple people are caring for one child.  I'm the organized, planning type.  I pay attention to the details and try to make them work as easily as possible.  Sometimes, things don't fall during our time, and lately its just has become a huge hassle to make those times up. 

Gene and I believe that everything will come out in the wash.  You don't need to immediately make up time, because at some point, you will get it back.  But she doesn't see it that way.  If I thought she was savvy enough, I would guess she has a spreadsheet of times and how many hours we've each had with JJ.

Part of her feels that Gene has the advantage because he picks him up from school everyday and is around till she comes to get him.  But, during that time, Gene is working.  He's not spending quality time with JJ.  Just because he works at home, doesn't mean he isn't working.  He's probably working harder than either of us.  Its hard to get this point across, she pays this card every now and then, so I know its not sinking in.

When she plays this card, I feel like I'm the one who gets burnt the most.  Usually she demands time with him during our time to make up for something that may have occurred that week, or in weeks past, or that might be coming up in the future.  But either way, its the only time I get to spend with him and I have to give is up.

Right now, JJ is all I have, and could possibly be all I ever have.  Its really hard being the other mother.  I know JJ inside and out, just like any parent would.  But I don't get full share in parenthood. Its not how I imagined I would be a parent, but if its all I got I'm going to learn to love it.