On Pointe

I believe I have a ballerina in there.  She seems to like to make some moves on my bladder.  The urgency to pee has become more frequent.  Espcially after I feel little flutters.

This is amazing!

The worst part

There isn't much to complain about with being pregnant.  I'm enjoying it, although the worry is frustrating at times, I'm handling it.

But there is one thing I don't like.  I don't like being the DD all the time.  The only terrible symptom I've had is tiredness.  I'm tired all the time.  And after going to dinner with friends, and staying out late, the last thing I really want to do is drive home. 

All I really want to do is veg in the passengers seat. 

Its not really fun to sit there and sip on your water while your friends (and spouse) order "just one more".  I try not to get angry, or show that I'm upset.  I really want to have fun, but at times its just hard to know there is at least a 30 minute ride home that I have to stay awake for.  Its usually harder on a week night, when I've been at work all day and know I have to get up in the morning.

I know the time will come again when I can tie one on with the rest of em, but right now it kinda stinks being stuck with just lemonade.

Panic at the Disco

Its back.  The panic, the anxiety.  The giant elephant.  The cleansing of the bowels. 

I've got two weeks till the anatomy scan.  I'm currently 19 weeks and 1 day.  I'm starting to feel movement, I think.  But its not consistant.  Sometimes its flutters, sometimes its popcorn, sometimes it really tickles.  However, I can not elicite it.  I can poke and prode all over and nothing.  If I feel it moving and I touch it, it stops.  It happens at random times of the day.  Sometimes with food, sometimes no.

I don't know if its just a stubborn baby, or something else.  Maybe she's just sleepy all the time, like her Mama.

I know things will get more consistant as time goes on.  I just felt like things were progressing but now they are at a standstill. I just more signs that things are ok.  I know my chances of problems are really slim right now, but they still exist.  And therefore, I'm still worried.

I've considered getting a doppler.  Although I said I wouldn't.  I think it might help ease my mind, but I don't want it to seem frivolous.  Its not outrageous, but its not cheap.  Sometimes I think I can make it till the next appointment, but times like right now, I just don't know if I can.  I seems to be the down times that draw my mind to it.  Its hard to keep busy at work sometimes, so daydreaming happens often.  There is also a lot of time to mentally dwell on things. 

*sigh*

I'm almost to half way.  I think I can, I think I can.

Whoa!

I was able to do a little shopping this weekend.  Yeah!

I hit up the Maternity Motherhood Outlet store.  Although half of it was outlet and half store.  I didn't have much luck on the outlet side.  Most everything was "As Is" and had something wrong with it that I couldn't fix.  Besides the white cardigan I found, everything else was a bust. 

I did finally find some fashionable shorts.  Or maybe they are unfashionable and my other pair is what's in style.  I dunno, that other pair I bought I just don't like! I'm not a fan of cuffs!

I was also able to find some cute shirts.  Things are getting snug in the belly area.  The attendant at the store was helpful in placing my arm load of stuff into a dressing room.  when I was ready to try things on, she showed me where to go.  And then she showed me this pillow thing that is suppose to replicate how you will look in a few months.  "To see if things are going to make it all the way"

I took one look at that thing and said there is no way I'm trying that thing on.  But after being in there with it for a long time, I decided to give it a whirl. 

Holy Shit!  I'm going to look like that!  I was not ready for the size I'm going to get.  I mean, I know I'm going to get bigger, and its gonna look funny.  But, Wow!

I ripped that thing off of there and ran to the checkout.  I don't want that time to come yet.  I'm not ready!

Lost

Today is my first day at work with out my work BFF.  She resigned last week and friday was her last day.  Right now it just feels like she's on vacation.  I know in a week or two it will sink in.

She was the only female in the department when I got here.  A year after I was here, she moved to another department, but became my savior when I was stuck in testorone hell.  She was like the big sister I didn't have.  She offered me dating advice.  She was the first to know about Gene and I.  Gene actually went to her and asked if she thought it was a good idea.  She claims she could tell by the way we looked at each other that something was there.

She helped pick out my engagement ring.  She was a bridemaid at our wedding.  One of her first dates with her husband was our wedding. 

She was there for me the day I told her we would be seeing a specalist.  And then the day when  told her it wouldn't be easy.  She was there for me during every high and every sad low.  She cried in my office with me after every heartbreak.  But, she never gave up hope that one day we would have our baby.

She cried tears of joy with me the day I showed her my pee stick photo.  She kept my secret for several weeks before exploding at the seems with excitement when I finally told her we could tell people.

It will be hard to navigate the next few months without her.  There are so many things I still need help with. 

Busted

The other night, I  was awoken in bed by one of the many urges to pee. I tried to suppress it.  I laid there, really still.  Then I felt this rubbing on my belly.  Soft little taps.  Gene was still awake and he was patting my belly.

I told him the next day that I felt him do that.  He say, "Yeah, I do that a lot."  Hrmm.... news to me.  I've always been a heavy sleeper though. 

I find this to be the cutest thing ever.  That before he falls asleep, during the quiet of the night, he takes the time to pat my belly and tell Olive goodnight.

Yesterday he told me he thought he felt some movement.  I dunno if what I've been feeling is movement or not.  It does feel like a flutter below my belly button.  But, again I'm paranoid that something is not going right so I don't know what to believe.  I don't want to think I'm making it up, and then again I don't want to think I'm not feeling things.  I'm just past 18 weeks, so its still early for a newbie like me to feel anything. 

Its sweet to think that Gene spends the time at night bonding.  He's waited for this moment longer than I have.  He had once given up hope of it ever happening and was on the verge of losing hope again.  I can't wait to see him interact with a newborn. I can't wait to see them cuddled up on the couch together.  Sweet little baby cheeks resting against his chest. 

Sometimes I don't know how he feels about having a baby.  He's always wanted a biological child, and he's always wanted a sibling for JJ.  I know he's older now, and starting over with a baby is scary.  He's worried about being the old dad at soccer games, or dance recitals.  Thankfully, him and I don't look anywhere close to our real ages.  I don't think he will need to worry about that.  He's going to be an awesome dad.  He already is.

Battle of the bulge

I never realized how much I cross my legs when I sit.  I notice it now because its getting to be a little more challenging.  The still cross, but the cross at a different point on my thighs and it just feels weird.  I know I will eventually reach the point that they won't cross at all!

I noticed my stomach getting tighter last night.  It felt really strange.  I haven't noticed any stretch marks yet.  Knock on wood that I don't get any.  My mother doesn't have any.  I don't have any anywhere else on my body.  I'm not eating like a pig, so I don't think I'm gaining too much weight too fast.  Its just a surreal feeling to look down and see a little round belly.   Grow Olive Grow!

Some things just don't go together

Having a head cold and having round ligment pain at the same time just isn't fair.  I guess I've had it easy so far, so this is a test. 

So my abdomen hurts from blowing my brains out and hacking up cuck, and it hurts because Olive is making herself a bigger home.  Win, Win for me.  If I lay perfectly still, both things don't happen and life is bliss!  To bad life goes on and I can't lay perfectly still ALL DAY LONG!

Ahhh.... loving every minute of it.

4.5 Months

4.5 months, that's approximately how long I've been pregnant.  Exactly 18 weeks.  And during that time, I've been sick 3 times!

3 times!

I'm enduring another round right now.  Its awful.  I can't breath.  My nose is a faucet.  I'm tired and cranky.  I know they gave me a list of safe medicines.  I've broken down and taken something a couple of times, but not on a regular schedule.  I would just rather not subject Olive to that torture on a regular basis.

Hopefully it will pass soon.  And it won't come back.  Although I'm not holding my breath on that one. My immune system seems to be the most compromised during this pregnancy.  I can only hope after child birth that things return to normal and I can't remain germ free for a while.

I know I know

I'm not drinking enough water.  Mostly because if I do drink anything, I have to pee within 5 seconds!  And at work, the bathroom is all the way down the hall.  I barely have the energy to make it there. 

Argh.  Its such a battle. I know its only going to get worse.  I know I need to keep my fluids up.  I can feel it when I don't.  My legs cramp, I'm thirsty. 

Its such a mental battle. 

OMG

I drank a coke yesterday and it was soooooo delicious.  I haven't had a real coke in a long time.  But, I wanted to treat myself.  Normally I stick to diet, and lately diet and caffeine free.  I know artificial sweeteners aren't the best for olive, so I decided to just wing it and have give her the real sugar.

I had to control myself because I wanted to swig it all down and get a refill, but I knew I should just have one, so it was really, really hard.  It had just the right amount of ice, in a cold glass. 

OMG.

Surprise!

So I worry for nothing.  Yes, I know that.  Baby is just fine.  The doctor found the heartbeat in no time.  Beating strong at 140bpm.  Measuring right on track.  My weight gain is fine.  Down 1 pound from the last visit, but up 5 pounds overall. 

I discussed my tailbone pain.  He said its mostly likely not going to go away.  Heat and Tylenol are just fine.  Seems like I'll be using the seat warmer a lot and getting myself a heating pad.

He also suggested today that we could stay and get a gender ultrasound (for a small fee) today if we wanted to.  Of course I want to.  I just want to make sure that its accurate.  The tech thought there shouldn't be a problem and was able to work us in.  Yeah!

It took her no time at all to determine what Olive was. 

Surprise!

We're having a GIRL!

I'm so excited.  We were right all along.  I can't wait for pigtails and barbie dolls.  Although living in the country, a tomboy is perfectly fine too!  The tech said without and uncertainty that it is a girl. She was textbook!  The tech said we could be comfortable going out and buying paint.  I don't care about paint, I care about clothes!

I'm excited for Gene to have a little girl.  He's such a great dad to JJ, I can't wait to see him melt to pieces over a little girl.

I'm hesitant to share baby girl's ultrasound because I don't want her lady parts splashed on the Internet for all eternity.  Someday when she's older this will be a resource for her and how much she is loved. 

Looks like I should have me some PINK lemonade!

Well hello there old friend

Its still there.  The elephant.  I knew it would never totally go away, and its been gone for a while.  But last night it decided to join me in the recliner.

Its been 4 weeks since we saw/heard Olive.  Friday is our next appointment.  I'm terrified that something had gone wrong.  I haven't gone 4 weeks without monitoring yet.  Its felt like the longest amount of time EVER! 

I still feel pregnant.  I'm still exhausted.  Smells still get to me.  Certain foods gross me out or make me want more.  My belly is growing.  My tailbone feels broken.  And, I think I felt some movement yesterday.  (I think).  So I have no indicators that something has gone wrong.  Not even my gut is telling me something is wrong. 

I have no idea where this fear is coming from.  I think it will always be there.  I'm thankful for medicine and it didn't make it worse.  I know the next few weeks are going to be hard.  Hopefully our anatomy scan will be within the next month, and we can see Olive again. (I suspect we won't tomorrow, just hear the heartbeat).  I will be monthly for a while.  Once I go to every two weeks, I might be happy. Maybe not.

I was naive to believe that once I got pregnant that the anxiety ridden countdowns to doctors appointments would go away.  I guess that's all part of the learning process and the healing from infertility. And maybe just part of being human, and being a parent.

I think its time for another glass of lemonade.

One thing I can't wait for

I can't wait for my belly button to stretch out. 

I have a very inny inny.  But lately it seems that everything collects in it. Its gross.  I feel like a dirty old man picking at my belly button.  I can't wait for it to stretch out so its not the deep crevice of crustiness anymore.