It wasn't really all that mean, and she did not take it personally at all. It was just a little rub in her face, since I felt flaunting her pregnancy in front of me was rubbing it in my face.
Here's how it went down:
We gathered with friends. We're all sitting around a fire, having a great time, drinking beer, and chatting. Pregnant friend arrives and everyone gushes over her. Asking her how she's feeling, rubbing her belly. All the reasonable things people would do over a pregnant lady. And, I'm ok with all that, it hurt, a lot, but its life and I got through it (not really over it).
Well things settled down and we started roasting marshmallows. I wanted to make a smore and pregnant friend said she gave up chocolate for lent so she couldn't have one, just the marshmallow. She kindly toasted my marshmallow for me. I pulled it off and plopped it on my chocolate and graham cracker.
I looked at her and I said this chocolate tastes so good, then I took a swig of beer, and said the beer tasted good too. (I know she's been craving a beer). Boo Ya.
Just my little underhand way of making myself feel good. Pregnant friend has no idea of my struggles, and would be 100% supportive. In gatherings like that, its unavoidable, so I need to do what I need to do to make myself stay sane. Like I said, I got through it, its very, very hard to get over it.
On the topic of Lent, I decided this year that I wasn't giving up anything. I've felt in the past year, I've given up a lot. I've made personal sacrifises, and I've struggled. During this time, I'm not going to endure anymore hardship. I'm going to enjoy all that I have. I'm going to love my family, my dog, my job, my life more. I'm going to be thankful everyday for the things I've been given.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
I hate the media
So lately, it seems as though my problems are being secretly sprinkled all over public media. I know its just me, but its hard not to relate, and hard not to get emotional.
Case in point #1:
There is a local radio commercial for an Ob/Gyn office. Months ago, this office had a commercial with a woman talking about how when having her first child, the office was great, and now that she's having her second she can't wait to work with them again. This commercial didn't really bother me, even though I heard it ALL THE TIME.
But now, they have a man on there talking about how nice the office is. He starts off by saying that when they were trying for their first, it took several months, but when it did happen, this office made the next few months stress free. I wanted to punch the radio! He was devastated that it took a few months and was so excited when they were pregnant. I think I'm just jealous and envious, but its the worried to happy tone that makes me want to puke, then cry every time I hear it!
Case in point #2:
There is a TV ad for COPD. I don't have COPD, nor do I think I ever will. But, in the commercial, the man is followed around by a big elephant. Hello! That's my elephant, and he lives on MY chest! Every time I see that commercial, I think "Damn that elephant is huge!" Then I take some shallow breathes, and remind myself its not time to panic.
Its just more evidence that the situation has taken over my life. I already knew this, but the subtle reminders are like knifes into my gut.
I still haven't heard from the doctor about what to do next. I'm not sure I will until I call on cycle Day 1 and talk with the IVF nurse. Who is an angel, and knows me, and knows how to get things done and get answers. She's the blessing in all of this. I know its not an easy job, but it really helps to know that there is someone who has emotions for me, and makes me feel like I'm the only patient she has to care for.
I guess at this point we are looking at the park map and trying to decide which ride we want to go on next. It might be time to hit the beverage cart and get some lemonade.
Case in point #1:
There is a local radio commercial for an Ob/Gyn office. Months ago, this office had a commercial with a woman talking about how when having her first child, the office was great, and now that she's having her second she can't wait to work with them again. This commercial didn't really bother me, even though I heard it ALL THE TIME.
But now, they have a man on there talking about how nice the office is. He starts off by saying that when they were trying for their first, it took several months, but when it did happen, this office made the next few months stress free. I wanted to punch the radio! He was devastated that it took a few months and was so excited when they were pregnant. I think I'm just jealous and envious, but its the worried to happy tone that makes me want to puke, then cry every time I hear it!
Case in point #2:
There is a TV ad for COPD. I don't have COPD, nor do I think I ever will. But, in the commercial, the man is followed around by a big elephant. Hello! That's my elephant, and he lives on MY chest! Every time I see that commercial, I think "Damn that elephant is huge!" Then I take some shallow breathes, and remind myself its not time to panic.
Its just more evidence that the situation has taken over my life. I already knew this, but the subtle reminders are like knifes into my gut.
I still haven't heard from the doctor about what to do next. I'm not sure I will until I call on cycle Day 1 and talk with the IVF nurse. Who is an angel, and knows me, and knows how to get things done and get answers. She's the blessing in all of this. I know its not an easy job, but it really helps to know that there is someone who has emotions for me, and makes me feel like I'm the only patient she has to care for.
I guess at this point we are looking at the park map and trying to decide which ride we want to go on next. It might be time to hit the beverage cart and get some lemonade.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Can't win
It doesn't seem like my body wants to participate either. My progesterone test came back that I have not, or did not ovulate. So, therefore, I cannot participate in the research study. There is a chance I could try again with the next cycle, but since I didn't qualify this time, the chances that they will let me try again are slim because they (or the nurse) sees it as waste of resources.
I get it. I understand research. I tried to tell her I understand. I do research. I know there are criteria and the protocols are strict and you can't just let even one little thing be different.
She told me my other option is another study, which isn't free, but insurance may cover, but she wasn't sure, someone else could tell me that. I would still have the biopsy done, but I would be unmedicated. I would have to test for ovulation between days 11-13.
Now, let me tell you. I have never ovulated that early! She said if I hadn't ovulated then at day 15 they would trigger me and then do the biopsy 8-10 days after that. So it looks like I can add the expenses of two office visits, an ultrasound, and a trigger shot to my long list of expenses. Plus whatever insurance doesn't cover for the biopsy.
Needless to say, the elephant it still there and it gained a few pounds yesterday. Both before noon and after. If I go the other route with the biopsy, then again, it looks like it could interfere with California. But at this rate, I'm not sure I even ovulated. I felt like I was going to, but then I got a monster head cold, so it could have gone into hibernation mode. I feel like I might be getting ready to again, but that could all be phantom symptoms. So, I can suspect that my period might be delayed.
I'm waiting to here from the doctor on what he advises I do. I know what he's going to say. Again, it will be a hurry up and wait, then hemorrhage some money, then wait some more.
Do you think elephants like lemonade?
I get it. I understand research. I tried to tell her I understand. I do research. I know there are criteria and the protocols are strict and you can't just let even one little thing be different.
She told me my other option is another study, which isn't free, but insurance may cover, but she wasn't sure, someone else could tell me that. I would still have the biopsy done, but I would be unmedicated. I would have to test for ovulation between days 11-13.
Now, let me tell you. I have never ovulated that early! She said if I hadn't ovulated then at day 15 they would trigger me and then do the biopsy 8-10 days after that. So it looks like I can add the expenses of two office visits, an ultrasound, and a trigger shot to my long list of expenses. Plus whatever insurance doesn't cover for the biopsy.
Needless to say, the elephant it still there and it gained a few pounds yesterday. Both before noon and after. If I go the other route with the biopsy, then again, it looks like it could interfere with California. But at this rate, I'm not sure I even ovulated. I felt like I was going to, but then I got a monster head cold, so it could have gone into hibernation mode. I feel like I might be getting ready to again, but that could all be phantom symptoms. So, I can suspect that my period might be delayed.
I'm waiting to here from the doctor on what he advises I do. I know what he's going to say. Again, it will be a hurry up and wait, then hemorrhage some money, then wait some more.
Do you think elephants like lemonade?
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
No easy choices
So I met with the research nurse this morning. I've been approved so we start the paperwork. So I drop the bomb that I will be out of town, the end of March, the time when we would probably do the biopsy. She starts calculating. 30 minutes later, we seem to have a game plan. If I start my period on the 6th, then we are good. Anything before that, no.
I decided to go to California because we have been planning this for a while, and it was time for me to control my life and not fertility treatments. But sitting in the position where you know one choice is influencing another is just hard. I know if I didn't go to California, that I would regret the great family memories we would make. I would sit at home and cry.
But sitting there, calculating, planning, guessing, all I wanted to do was cry. My vitals were all over the place. She told me my blood pressure was a little high, was I OK. I confessed I wasn't. I'm just ready for answers, or an end. I'm just overwhelmed by everything. We had gone back over my history and it just seemed to hit that its been a very long and very hard road. She assured me that it will all work out, that we will get this done, but its still painful.
Painful to make choices, sacrifices. To feel guilty no matter what decision you make. To know its just time, but time isn't always on your side. Its just another reminder that life's not fair, but that everything happens for a reason.
I'm still waiting to know my reason. I hope someday I'll understand why it was so hard.
I decided to go to California because we have been planning this for a while, and it was time for me to control my life and not fertility treatments. But sitting in the position where you know one choice is influencing another is just hard. I know if I didn't go to California, that I would regret the great family memories we would make. I would sit at home and cry.
But sitting there, calculating, planning, guessing, all I wanted to do was cry. My vitals were all over the place. She told me my blood pressure was a little high, was I OK. I confessed I wasn't. I'm just ready for answers, or an end. I'm just overwhelmed by everything. We had gone back over my history and it just seemed to hit that its been a very long and very hard road. She assured me that it will all work out, that we will get this done, but its still painful.
Painful to make choices, sacrifices. To feel guilty no matter what decision you make. To know its just time, but time isn't always on your side. Its just another reminder that life's not fair, but that everything happens for a reason.
I'm still waiting to know my reason. I hope someday I'll understand why it was so hard.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Statistics
Do you know one in six couples deal with infertility?
Last night, in a room of six women, I sat in the company of 4 other women who during their lives dealt with infertility. It wasn't an open discussion. Two of the women were talking and I listened in.
I'm the only one who wasn't out with there story. Two of the women were older. One's tubes were blocked, so they decided against treatment. She mothered three step children. One inquired about IVF but was told, at that time, that she wasn't a good candidate because she had no proof that she could successfully become pregnant. She adopted two children and then became pregnant all on her own.
The one closest in age to me has two beautiful kids from successful IVF treatment. And the last one, decided that IVF wasn't a guarantee and the stress and possible heart ache were too much. She mothered two wonderful step children.
It was amazing being in such a small group with women who have all been where I am. That know the struggles that have been forced with the same decisions, and have survived. I wanted to scream out for help, but I didn't need to. Just knowing that you can continue on, that you can have happy lives, was all that I needed from them.
I don't like being a statistic. I don't like being on the wrong side of statistics. I don't like to play the odds. I'm not a gambler.
I did get word that I've been accepted into the biposy study. If bloodwork confirms that I ovulated by next wednesday, I will board the Lupron train! I'm really nervous that this will upset our trip to California. I'm just hoping my period can stay away long enough not to mess things up. I'm sensing ovulation sometime Today, Tomorrow maybe. Sunday would be best, with a nice long LP. I don't know how to ask about the study timeline or what to do if I might be away. We need to make travel arrangements. It doesn't look like I might be able to do that until Aunt Flo visits.
More hurry up and wait!
Last night, in a room of six women, I sat in the company of 4 other women who during their lives dealt with infertility. It wasn't an open discussion. Two of the women were talking and I listened in.
I'm the only one who wasn't out with there story. Two of the women were older. One's tubes were blocked, so they decided against treatment. She mothered three step children. One inquired about IVF but was told, at that time, that she wasn't a good candidate because she had no proof that she could successfully become pregnant. She adopted two children and then became pregnant all on her own.
The one closest in age to me has two beautiful kids from successful IVF treatment. And the last one, decided that IVF wasn't a guarantee and the stress and possible heart ache were too much. She mothered two wonderful step children.
It was amazing being in such a small group with women who have all been where I am. That know the struggles that have been forced with the same decisions, and have survived. I wanted to scream out for help, but I didn't need to. Just knowing that you can continue on, that you can have happy lives, was all that I needed from them.
I don't like being a statistic. I don't like being on the wrong side of statistics. I don't like to play the odds. I'm not a gambler.
I did get word that I've been accepted into the biposy study. If bloodwork confirms that I ovulated by next wednesday, I will board the Lupron train! I'm really nervous that this will upset our trip to California. I'm just hoping my period can stay away long enough not to mess things up. I'm sensing ovulation sometime Today, Tomorrow maybe. Sunday would be best, with a nice long LP. I don't know how to ask about the study timeline or what to do if I might be away. We need to make travel arrangements. It doesn't look like I might be able to do that until Aunt Flo visits.
More hurry up and wait!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Money doesn't cry over you
You cry over money because it's not going to cry over you. Right?!?! Yeah right!
We went to the accountant last night to start on our taxes. I know that owning your own business, you're really not going to end up with a refund, I was just hoping that the $30,000 (yes, that's right) we've spent this year in medical expenses could offset the cost.
Boy was I wrong. It made a small nick in the grand scheme of things. Once we got home I hid in the bathroom and cried. The money tree isn't blooming anymore and it just feels like we are hemorrhaging money and have nothing to show for it. Cue more tears because now I feel like a big failure.
The house is in need of finishing, vacations want to be taken, life needs to happen and we've felt that this past year has been contingent on one thing. And that one thing, still has no end. Its still out there in the abyss of the unknown. We aren't giving up, but its damned sure hard to keep going.
I contacted the woman in charge of the research study. She explained to me that I might not be a candidate for the study. Ok, that's fine with me. But then she goes on to tell me that I can still have the biopsy done, but I will probably have to pay for it. Cue I don't want to cry over the phone to a stranger, but I really, really, want to- tears. Really?!?! She said insurance might cover something, but usually not all of it. Fantastic!
We talked some more and came to a resolution that I no longer have irregular cycles. Although I don't think I ever did anyway. But I had a hard time figuring out what was regular when I've had very little menstrual cycles in the past year that weren't medicated, straight off medication, or straight after having the va-jayjay scoped.
It was an agonizing 30 minutes. Counting, figuring, guessing. In the end, she thought she could include me but wanted to run it buy the doctor in charge. So, I'm waiting for her to call me back.
She did explain the protocol to me and how things would work. I already knew it would be a like a frozen cycle, but no transfer. She gave me an estimate of how many days things would be. A definitive timeline depends on when my next menstrual cycle comes. On the drive home I started to do some calculations, and hence panicked. Our California trip might fall right at the time they would need to do the biopsy. I really hope it doesn't come down to this. I would hate to push it back, but I would hate to miss out on California.
I hate that its a constant battle of decisions. It seems like weeks go by and everything is fine, and then all of a sudden things happen all at the same time. Its overwhelming. The elephant gained a few hundred pounds yesterday and still has residence on my chest. I'm not sure he's every going to go away. Not unless we win the lottery.
We went to the accountant last night to start on our taxes. I know that owning your own business, you're really not going to end up with a refund, I was just hoping that the $30,000 (yes, that's right) we've spent this year in medical expenses could offset the cost.
Boy was I wrong. It made a small nick in the grand scheme of things. Once we got home I hid in the bathroom and cried. The money tree isn't blooming anymore and it just feels like we are hemorrhaging money and have nothing to show for it. Cue more tears because now I feel like a big failure.
The house is in need of finishing, vacations want to be taken, life needs to happen and we've felt that this past year has been contingent on one thing. And that one thing, still has no end. Its still out there in the abyss of the unknown. We aren't giving up, but its damned sure hard to keep going.
I contacted the woman in charge of the research study. She explained to me that I might not be a candidate for the study. Ok, that's fine with me. But then she goes on to tell me that I can still have the biopsy done, but I will probably have to pay for it. Cue I don't want to cry over the phone to a stranger, but I really, really, want to- tears. Really?!?! She said insurance might cover something, but usually not all of it. Fantastic!
We talked some more and came to a resolution that I no longer have irregular cycles. Although I don't think I ever did anyway. But I had a hard time figuring out what was regular when I've had very little menstrual cycles in the past year that weren't medicated, straight off medication, or straight after having the va-jayjay scoped.
It was an agonizing 30 minutes. Counting, figuring, guessing. In the end, she thought she could include me but wanted to run it buy the doctor in charge. So, I'm waiting for her to call me back.
She did explain the protocol to me and how things would work. I already knew it would be a like a frozen cycle, but no transfer. She gave me an estimate of how many days things would be. A definitive timeline depends on when my next menstrual cycle comes. On the drive home I started to do some calculations, and hence panicked. Our California trip might fall right at the time they would need to do the biopsy. I really hope it doesn't come down to this. I would hate to push it back, but I would hate to miss out on California.
I hate that its a constant battle of decisions. It seems like weeks go by and everything is fine, and then all of a sudden things happen all at the same time. Its overwhelming. The elephant gained a few hundred pounds yesterday and still has residence on my chest. I'm not sure he's every going to go away. Not unless we win the lottery.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Words that describe ME
My pinterest addiction is quotes. I love quotes. They inspire me. I guess I like words. I like words that form feelings. Lately my pinterest board has been flooded with quotes. I feel like this stage in my life has a lot to say.
My favorite:
"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but its harder to give up when you know it's everything you want."- Author Unknown
The other I day I found these gems:
"Sometimes you have to do what you don't like to get to where you want to be"- Tori Amos
"What defines us is how well we rise after falling"- Unknown.
I noticed I had this one pinned twice:
"I'm a strong girl who keep her stuff in line. When when I have tears going down on my face, I always manage to say those two words; I'm fine"- fransesgadyelltumblr
I've always hidden my pain. Maybe that's why people think I handle it so well. I'm not a sharer. Even if I know you really well, chances are I'm not really going to tell you when somethings wrong. Maybe I'm too independent, maybe its just pure stubbornness. I don't know why I hold it in.
We are stuck in the holding pattern again, and I really don't like it. I feel like I'm more on edge at this point than at any other time. I've been really snappy lately. I've been quick to bite and most of the time completely insensitive. I feel like an ass. I'm trying to take long deep breaths and look beyond myself. Its hard to do with the giant elephant still sitting on your chest.
One of my original pins:
"If it wasn't for the pain I felt yesterday, I would not be the person I am today"- Unknown
(I'm at work right now and pinterest is blocked, but I hope to get back later at home and post full links.
My favorite:
"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but its harder to give up when you know it's everything you want."- Author Unknown
The other I day I found these gems:
"Sometimes you have to do what you don't like to get to where you want to be"- Tori Amos
"What defines us is how well we rise after falling"- Unknown.
I noticed I had this one pinned twice:
"I'm a strong girl who keep her stuff in line. When when I have tears going down on my face, I always manage to say those two words; I'm fine"- fransesgadyelltumblr
I've always hidden my pain. Maybe that's why people think I handle it so well. I'm not a sharer. Even if I know you really well, chances are I'm not really going to tell you when somethings wrong. Maybe I'm too independent, maybe its just pure stubbornness. I don't know why I hold it in.
We are stuck in the holding pattern again, and I really don't like it. I feel like I'm more on edge at this point than at any other time. I've been really snappy lately. I've been quick to bite and most of the time completely insensitive. I feel like an ass. I'm trying to take long deep breaths and look beyond myself. Its hard to do with the giant elephant still sitting on your chest.
One of my original pins:
"If it wasn't for the pain I felt yesterday, I would not be the person I am today"- Unknown
(I'm at work right now and pinterest is blocked, but I hope to get back later at home and post full links.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The perfect storm
That's what we are. I prefer to call us the Trifecta of Awesomeness, but Perfect Storm is ok to.
I didn't want to go today. Just like last week. I wanted to dig my heels into the ground and do a full on tantrum. I could feel the office pulling me in, and my body resisting. Hysterically crying on the inside to not make me do it. But, I'm an adult. I have to do these things. Or at least I think I do. So, I took my elephant with me and we went inside.
The snowball is rolling again. This time they want to do an endometrial biopsy. Sounds fun. They think there could be some sort of receptor in the endometrial lining that's prohibiting implantation. Given I have endo, there is a good chance they are there. If so, I get 2-3 months of Depo-Lupron shots! Yeah! I remember my mom getting those, and they don't seem like fun.
If I'm normal (HA!) then we can proceed with the frozen embie. Which is perfect! Although its sibling was perfect at this point as well. Apparently when it was unthawed, the zona (shell) around the embryo cracked. This is also, apparently, rare. There is no cause or prevention, it just happens sometimes. This severely damaged the embie and downgraded it to a 4. Which 4's can implant and grow, but obviously ours didn't.
They are all baffled that I'm such a good responder, but things just aren't working. I feel they doing all they can. Its very, very, frustrating that it keeps unravelling into one problem after another. I wish it was simple, I wish it was fixable, but that wouldn't make the perfect storm, would it?!?
I didn't want to go today. Just like last week. I wanted to dig my heels into the ground and do a full on tantrum. I could feel the office pulling me in, and my body resisting. Hysterically crying on the inside to not make me do it. But, I'm an adult. I have to do these things. Or at least I think I do. So, I took my elephant with me and we went inside.
The snowball is rolling again. This time they want to do an endometrial biopsy. Sounds fun. They think there could be some sort of receptor in the endometrial lining that's prohibiting implantation. Given I have endo, there is a good chance they are there. If so, I get 2-3 months of Depo-Lupron shots! Yeah! I remember my mom getting those, and they don't seem like fun.
If I'm normal (HA!) then we can proceed with the frozen embie. Which is perfect! Although its sibling was perfect at this point as well. Apparently when it was unthawed, the zona (shell) around the embryo cracked. This is also, apparently, rare. There is no cause or prevention, it just happens sometimes. This severely damaged the embie and downgraded it to a 4. Which 4's can implant and grow, but obviously ours didn't.
They are all baffled that I'm such a good responder, but things just aren't working. I feel they doing all they can. Its very, very, frustrating that it keeps unravelling into one problem after another. I wish it was simple, I wish it was fixable, but that wouldn't make the perfect storm, would it?!?
Monday, February 6, 2012
Its still there
The giant elephant, its still there. Every now and then it burrows its bum further into my chest, taking my breath away. He usually settles in during those moments when my mind is unoccupied and I let it wander. My eyes well up and my chest gets heavy.
I'm trying to do as much research as I can before Thursday. Its hard because so much of it I don't understand and I don't want to sound ignorant. But I guess by at least asking, you are showing you know something.
Doing a lot of research is also a scary thing. I'll admit I'm not feeling optimistic that there is any plan out there that can work for us. Given the trifecta of awesomeness that we are. I believe that the medications protocol we've used it the appropriate one. We maybe can lower dosages and stim a little longer, but I'm not sure that's the issue.
I'm worried we are just a bad combo together. Bad eggs, bad sperm, not much you can do without repetitive trying and we are almost at the limit.
I know we aren't at the end of our search for a child. Adoption is, and always has been, an option. Its just incredibly hard for me to imagine never carrying a child. Wearing cute maternity clothes. Feeling the joys of childbirth. Those were the reasons I wanted to try IVF. I don't know how, and really if, I can cope with giving these things up.
I'm trying to do as much research as I can before Thursday. Its hard because so much of it I don't understand and I don't want to sound ignorant. But I guess by at least asking, you are showing you know something.
Doing a lot of research is also a scary thing. I'll admit I'm not feeling optimistic that there is any plan out there that can work for us. Given the trifecta of awesomeness that we are. I believe that the medications protocol we've used it the appropriate one. We maybe can lower dosages and stim a little longer, but I'm not sure that's the issue.
I'm worried we are just a bad combo together. Bad eggs, bad sperm, not much you can do without repetitive trying and we are almost at the limit.
I know we aren't at the end of our search for a child. Adoption is, and always has been, an option. Its just incredibly hard for me to imagine never carrying a child. Wearing cute maternity clothes. Feeling the joys of childbirth. Those were the reasons I wanted to try IVF. I don't know how, and really if, I can cope with giving these things up.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Just Keep Swimming
I built my outfit around my socks again today. Today, it was the nemo socks. So I have a reminder that I just need to keep swimming.
Its really hard to do with an elephant on your chest. I feel pinned down. I feel heavy. There isn't anything I can do at this point, but keep my chin up and move on. I'm getting there. Its just slow.
A friend commented today that I seemed to bounce back so well yesterday. I don't feel like I did. I just feel like I hid it well. I'm good at hiding. I broke down when I got home. I curled up on the couch next to Gene and just let it out.
I don't handle death well. I don't like the idea of never seeing someone again. Even though the embryos never formed into fetus, I still feel like someone died. Every time it seems to get harder to handle the mourning. The elephant just keeps getting heavier and heavier.
Aunt Flo decided not to delay her visit and came last night to join in the fun. At least I truely know its over and not a fluke. Its one step further to putting it in the past.
Nemo and I will make it through the day. We will just keep swimming.
Its really hard to do with an elephant on your chest. I feel pinned down. I feel heavy. There isn't anything I can do at this point, but keep my chin up and move on. I'm getting there. Its just slow.
A friend commented today that I seemed to bounce back so well yesterday. I don't feel like I did. I just feel like I hid it well. I'm good at hiding. I broke down when I got home. I curled up on the couch next to Gene and just let it out.
I don't handle death well. I don't like the idea of never seeing someone again. Even though the embryos never formed into fetus, I still feel like someone died. Every time it seems to get harder to handle the mourning. The elephant just keeps getting heavier and heavier.
Aunt Flo decided not to delay her visit and came last night to join in the fun. At least I truely know its over and not a fluke. Its one step further to putting it in the past.
Nemo and I will make it through the day. We will just keep swimming.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
The ride is coming to a stop
At 10:41 the message came in. I saw the phone buzzing, but I let it go. Tears came to my eyes. I texted Gene that the message was there. He texted back that he wanted to listen to it, could he call in. I agreed. I was already a mess, why prolong it.
I watched him call in, and then I got the text to call him. He told me it was negative. I've never felt like such a failure before. I sat speechless at my desk. Tears streaming down my face. I knew I would fall apart, and I did. He quietly listened to me cry.
I guess the ride isn't over. I'm not sure why we have to keep going. I use to love amusement park rides. We go for our followup consultation on the 9th. I guess its time to start collecting questions and hoping for answers.
I know the next step is to use our frostie. As part of the shared risk program, you have to or you forfeit that step. I have a lot of questions about that little frostie. We've been at this step before. I'm hoping for a better outcome, but I would like some straight answers upfront. I feel like we are in the right place, we are just battling a complicated problem.
Gene's at home, waiting for me. He told me when I get there we can hug it out. I know he's worn down. I know its just as hard on him as it is for me. I know he feels helpless and guilty. He's done an amazing job supporting me through all this and its just as much me, if not more, than him. Neither of us are to blame for this.
I'm slowly spreading the word to friends and family. Its the hardest step. Its hard to hear "I'm sorry" time and time again. I know people are compassionate and I'm truly grateful for the thoughts. I hate being a failure and admitting failure. Having to tell people it didn't work out puts me in a place I don't like to be. Its partly the reason I hesitate to tell people. I would much rather share happy news than sad.
Its time to unbuckle and go to the end of the line. The waiting begins again.
I watched him call in, and then I got the text to call him. He told me it was negative. I've never felt like such a failure before. I sat speechless at my desk. Tears streaming down my face. I knew I would fall apart, and I did. He quietly listened to me cry.
I guess the ride isn't over. I'm not sure why we have to keep going. I use to love amusement park rides. We go for our followup consultation on the 9th. I guess its time to start collecting questions and hoping for answers.
I know the next step is to use our frostie. As part of the shared risk program, you have to or you forfeit that step. I have a lot of questions about that little frostie. We've been at this step before. I'm hoping for a better outcome, but I would like some straight answers upfront. I feel like we are in the right place, we are just battling a complicated problem.
Gene's at home, waiting for me. He told me when I get there we can hug it out. I know he's worn down. I know its just as hard on him as it is for me. I know he feels helpless and guilty. He's done an amazing job supporting me through all this and its just as much me, if not more, than him. Neither of us are to blame for this.
I'm slowly spreading the word to friends and family. Its the hardest step. Its hard to hear "I'm sorry" time and time again. I know people are compassionate and I'm truly grateful for the thoughts. I hate being a failure and admitting failure. Having to tell people it didn't work out puts me in a place I don't like to be. Its partly the reason I hesitate to tell people. I would much rather share happy news than sad.
Its time to unbuckle and go to the end of the line. The waiting begins again.
What's done is done
Why is the end of the ride always the scariest? You know, they always throw you for a loop right at the end. I feel like I've been tossed in a spinner. The blood work is done. Now we just wait. And I've chosen to wait till I am in the security of my home. I'm not sure why. All I have to do is think about it and I well up.
Its so hard to want something so bad. Its so hard to just not know one way or the other. Its hard to not get your hopes up, but still remain hopeful.
I've got my lucky socks on today. It was hard to plan an outfit around a pair of socks. I'm probably the only person in the world who built their outfit from the socks up. I needed some comfort today. I thought these sock would help. They are tall, so they come up to me knees. They feel soft, like a blanket. Its irrational things like this that I need to keep me from going completely irrational.
Its gonna be a long day. I hope their is joy in the end. Gene told me he loves me no matter what. We've been here before and we can get through it.
Its so hard to want something so bad. Its so hard to just not know one way or the other. Its hard to not get your hopes up, but still remain hopeful.
I've got my lucky socks on today. It was hard to plan an outfit around a pair of socks. I'm probably the only person in the world who built their outfit from the socks up. I needed some comfort today. I thought these sock would help. They are tall, so they come up to me knees. They feel soft, like a blanket. Its irrational things like this that I need to keep me from going completely irrational.
Its gonna be a long day. I hope their is joy in the end. Gene told me he loves me no matter what. We've been here before and we can get through it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)