You cry over money because it's not going to cry over you. Right?!?! Yeah right!
We went to the accountant last night to start on our taxes. I know that owning your own business, you're really not going to end up with a refund, I was just hoping that the $30,000 (yes, that's right) we've spent this year in medical expenses could offset the cost.
Boy was I wrong. It made a small nick in the grand scheme of things. Once we got home I hid in the bathroom and cried. The money tree isn't blooming anymore and it just feels like we are hemorrhaging money and have nothing to show for it. Cue more tears because now I feel like a big failure.
The house is in need of finishing, vacations want to be taken, life needs to happen and we've felt that this past year has been contingent on one thing. And that one thing, still has no end. Its still out there in the abyss of the unknown. We aren't giving up, but its damned sure hard to keep going.
I contacted the woman in charge of the research study. She explained to me that I might not be a candidate for the study. Ok, that's fine with me. But then she goes on to tell me that I can still have the biopsy done, but I will probably have to pay for it. Cue I don't want to cry over the phone to a stranger, but I really, really, want to- tears. Really?!?! She said insurance might cover something, but usually not all of it. Fantastic!
We talked some more and came to a resolution that I no longer have irregular cycles. Although I don't think I ever did anyway. But I had a hard time figuring out what was regular when I've had very little menstrual cycles in the past year that weren't medicated, straight off medication, or straight after having the va-jayjay scoped.
It was an agonizing 30 minutes. Counting, figuring, guessing. In the end, she thought she could include me but wanted to run it buy the doctor in charge. So, I'm waiting for her to call me back.
She did explain the protocol to me and how things would work. I already knew it would be a like a frozen cycle, but no transfer. She gave me an estimate of how many days things would be. A definitive timeline depends on when my next menstrual cycle comes. On the drive home I started to do some calculations, and hence panicked. Our California trip might fall right at the time they would need to do the biopsy. I really hope it doesn't come down to this. I would hate to push it back, but I would hate to miss out on California.
I hate that its a constant battle of decisions. It seems like weeks go by and everything is fine, and then all of a sudden things happen all at the same time. Its overwhelming. The elephant gained a few hundred pounds yesterday and still has residence on my chest. I'm not sure he's every going to go away. Not unless we win the lottery.
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