So I met with the research nurse this morning. I've been approved so we start the paperwork. So I drop the bomb that I will be out of town, the end of March, the time when we would probably do the biopsy. She starts calculating. 30 minutes later, we seem to have a game plan. If I start my period on the 6th, then we are good. Anything before that, no.
I decided to go to California because we have been planning this for a while, and it was time for me to control my life and not fertility treatments. But sitting in the position where you know one choice is influencing another is just hard. I know if I didn't go to California, that I would regret the great family memories we would make. I would sit at home and cry.
But sitting there, calculating, planning, guessing, all I wanted to do was cry. My vitals were all over the place. She told me my blood pressure was a little high, was I OK. I confessed I wasn't. I'm just ready for answers, or an end. I'm just overwhelmed by everything. We had gone back over my history and it just seemed to hit that its been a very long and very hard road. She assured me that it will all work out, that we will get this done, but its still painful.
Painful to make choices, sacrifices. To feel guilty no matter what decision you make. To know its just time, but time isn't always on your side. Its just another reminder that life's not fair, but that everything happens for a reason.
I'm still waiting to know my reason. I hope someday I'll understand why it was so hard.
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