Argh.... not again

Abby's been at daycare for 1 month.  And I'm sick again.  This is going to be the death of me.  Lord help me.

I'm not sure I fully recovered from the last cold.  From what I hear from others, its a nasty one that's going around and it lingers for quite some time.  So maybe I'm just getting round two from the first one.

At least this time, the sore throat isn't so bad.  But the aches and the fatigue are killing me.  But, Abby has decided to start sleeping better.  Knock on wood.  Please don't let me jinx it.  She's started going to bed around 8.  She's not falling asleep eating anymore, but she does fall asleep in our arms.  But I can place her in the pack and play.  She's been sleeping for a solid few hours.  5 hours between feedings.  After that, she just wakes up one more time, usually 3-4 hours after that.  That works out great because then about 3 hours after that, its time to get up for the day anyway.  She is so much more alert in the mornings now.

I'm praying that this new sleep schedule sticks around.  I can handle getting up twice a night.  the four to five times were starting to get to me.  I know we are heading into the 4 month wakeful period, where she can have a lot of sleep regression, but I hope she can push through it and not have a problem with it.

I at least hope it sticks around for the next couple of days while I recuperate.  Being a hacking, sniffing zombie is no fun!

Its not me, its you

Its come to light that part of JJ's problem with the transition with Abby is he's jealous of all the time I spend with her, and not him.  And I certainly don't ignore him, or not include him in things, but I can see how to a child, who doesn't understand about caring for a baby, it would seem like he's getting the shaft.

We've picked up on little comments here and there.  Like "Lisa doesn't go anywhere without Abby".  Of course I don't.  She's breastfeed on demand.  And I have a very small freezer stash of milk.  I'm terrified to leave her because I'm afraid she's going to get hungry and there won't be anything to do about it.  It always seems that when I do leave milk for her, she doesn't eat it, or I leave too much, and then I'm trying to figure out when to give it to her before it goes bad, all while trying to not miss a breast session, so I'm trying to coordinate pumping instead.  Its just a nasty cycle that I would rather not stress out.

But upon learning that it distress JJ that much, I'm trying to do better and do things, just the two of us.

This weekend he asked me if we could go to the mall.  Yes, he ASKED to go shopping!  He's hit the tween phase and his appearance is becoming important to him.  He wanted to go to Hollister and Aeropostale.  He couldn't wait to go Saturday morning.  Again, its not so easy to just leave an infant, but I tried not to overplay my stress, and I kept giving JJ a timeline so he would know what was going on.

Our mall is super tiny, but its got enough things in it to keep a person happy.  JJ knew exactly where the stores were and where we should park.  We headed in to Hollister first and started to look around.  We wandered around the racks of mens clothes.  Since he never asks to do this and feeling guilty for making him feel upset, there was no budget for this trip.  If he wanted it, he could have it.   He was hesitant to say what he liked, and what he wanted.  But, he warmed up and started picking things out.  We discussed colors and styles.  He made a few choices and then we checked out.  We headed over to Aeropostale to see what they had.  This time it was a little easier for him to pick out things.  Most of the shirts were buy one get one, so he enjoyed getting to select two styles.  Again, we discussed colors.  I wanted to make sure he didn't end up with all one color shirts.  I could tell what colors he really liked.  Once we had an arm full, we checked out and headed to the car.

He was so excited about all his new things, that he wanted to put them on as soon as we got to the car.  But first he wanted to make sure it was ok to mix and match stores.  I told him I didn't see a problem with that, and if anyone did, it shouldn't matter.  He's creating his own style and he should be proud.

He planned out which shirts he would wear for the rest of the weekend.  One in particular has become his favorite.  Its a hot pink aeropostale shirt.  He wore it for a while Saturday and Sunday.  He wore it to school this morning, but first he had to spray it with fabreeze.  He said it didn't smell, but he wanted it to be fresh.

I can't believe he's getting so grown up.  He thanked me many times for our shopping trip.  We've done errands together, but we've never shopped together.  It was a fun experience for both of us.  I'm trying to think of other things just the two of us can do.  I know it will get easier with Abby as she gets older.

Its an adjustment for all of us, but hopefully we will all keep happy in the long run.

New Invention

I have a new concept for fashion designers everywhere....

Woman's pants that have the inside, pull, button tabs like childrens pants do!  Especially for those woman who are post partum.

I'm having trouble with my pants, can you tell?

I decided that when I came back to work, I would treat myself to all new pants.  Most of the non-maternity pants that I had had seen me through all of our IF journey and I just didn't want to be reminded of that every single day.  I knew being only a few weeks post baby, that my weight would change, but I was desperate.  I was not wearing those pants again, and I was not going back to work in maternity pants!

I'm not as thin as I once was.  I gained 30 pounds during the pregnancy.  I probably could stand to lose 15 and feel really good about myself.  I'll take 10.  I know it takes time and I shoudn't have expected the weight to fall off immediately. Its slowly coming down.  I'm not actively trying to lose it anyway.  I'm still insanely hungry all the time.  I'm trying to curb cravings and eat more healthy snacks though.

But back to the topic, my pants.  So I bought several new pairs of pants and jeans to wear post baby.  In the store they fit fabulously.  I'm oddly shaped with short legs, wider hips, and full thighs.  So I'm a tough fit.  I was delighted to find things that worked for me.  And a plus, they were stylish! And afforable!

However, 6 weeks post purchase, the pants are a little loose.  I don't think I've lost much, but just enough I guess to make them a big saggy.  So now, I find myself tugging at them, pulling them up so I don't step on the bottoms. It could be weight loss, but I also find that straight out of the washer/dryer, they fit great again.  So I think the little amount of stretch they put into the material, turns in to a big stretch over the course of a few wearings.

I wish they would put a disclaimer tag on them when you're shopping.  Hey Woman!....  These pants are going to give a little, so its ok if they are a little tight right now in the store.  You'll feel so much better once you wear them a few times. Trust Me!

I also wish they would put those tabs in them like childrens pants.  The ones that cinch in the waist, so you can wear them for a while.  Why hasn't anyone done this yet?  I don't need much taken in, just a little.  A tab on the inside would be perfect.

Of course, I could wear a belt.  But then I would have to tuck my shirt in.  Because a shirt over a belt just emphasizes your waist.  Tucking currently isn't in style.  Also, my belts are all to small anyways right now.

I'm in a terrible predicament.  Whatever shall I do?

Looking back

I've just spent the past thirty minutes reading posts I made last year at this time. 

Last year, at this time, I was at my lowest point.  IVF #2 had failed.  The tax accountant slapped us with a huge bill.  I didn't qualify for the biopsy study.  I was a hormonal, emotional mess.

Who knew what a difference I year could make?  Who knew that in my darkest moment, my greatest joy would come?

As I snuggled with Abby this morning, I really wanted time to stop so I could just stay there.  With her little head burrowing into my neck.  Her sweet smell from her bath the night before.  Her deep, soft breathing.  Her little arms finally reaching around and holding my neck.  I just want to stay there.

I'm almost in tears reading last years posts.  The emotion is so raw.  Blogging has been such a good outlet for me.  Even if no one reads it.  Its a place were I can retreat to when I need it. A place where I can remember (even if I don't ever want to) the ups and downs in my life. 

Throat Punch

Abby has developed a new trick.  Every time we nurse to the left, she likes to jab me in the throat.  The entire time! Sometimes its hard and it takes my breath away.

I'm started telling her no, and putting her arm down.  I'll hold her hand back out of the way, but she will fidget it loose. 

Its weird that its only on the one side.  When she nurses from the right, her arm is fine.  As is my throat!

Sleep is

Over---rated!  (Said in my best unsportsman like voice).

I've always been a sleeper.  I need my sleep.  I'm an early to bed, late to rise kind of girl.  I could lay in bed all day, if you let me.  I'm also not very fond of napping.  The conditions have to be just right for me to be able to relax enough to do it. 

With my picky behaviors, adjusting to caring for a baby has been a real shock on my system.  The first few days in the hospital weren't that bad.  I don't remember napping at all during the day, but we were up frequently at night.  I think all the hormones and the excitement had my system all jacked up.

Once we got home, it all hit, like a ton of bricks.  The first few days were really hard.  I found myself drifting off during feedings.  I was scared to fall asleep with her with me, worried something would happen to her.  If I did drift off, I usually woke up shocked, which then would startle Abby.

It was easy being at home and being able to rest during the day.  Abby isn't a great napper either.  She wanted to be held most of the time.  Again, not quite the perfect situation to allow Mommy to nap, but I was happy to at least be off my feet and snuggling. 

Night feedings became easier.  It seemed like I was adjusting well to being awoken every 2 hours. 

Now that I'm back at work, I'm having a hard time adjusting to the new normal.  I don't have the luxury anymore of spending the afternoon with my feet up, watching daytime TV.  I do have plenty of desk time, but its also paired with plenty of time on my feet.  But by the end of the day, I'm exhausted.

Thankfully Abby has regulated herself to an early bedtime.  Usually between 8 and 9, more toward the 8 she is ready to be put down. That gives me time to get tucked in too.  She usually gets one good 4-5 hour stretch to start, so if I want any period of long sleep, I have to go to bed when she does.  Which doesn't bother me, I need it. 

Her late night feedings are still sporadic.  Sometimes she wakes up every 2 hours, sometimes every 3.  Sometimes she eats for 5 minutes, sometimes for 15.  The good thing is, she goes right back to bed when she's full.  And I go right back to sleep as well. 

I've also noticed that I've become the worlds lightest sleeper.  I use to be able to sleep through ANYTHING!  Not anymore.  My ears perk up at any little whimper from the pack and play.  I've had to teach myself not to jump up and grab her at the first peep.  Sometimes she just whimpers and falls back to sleep on her own.  Sometimes, if it hasn't been that long since her last feeding, I'll just slip the pacifier back into her mouth and she'll doze off again.  Gene used to comment on how great of a night she must of had, but then he learned that he'd slept through most of it.  There are only a few times that her crying has been such to wake him.  Those are usually diaper changes before she gets to eat and she's pissed off at me for making her wait. 

I think lack of sleep was my biggest fear and concern about being a new mom.  Its not as bad as I thought it would be.  I think I've adapted myself fairly well.  And Gene has done a great job at helping. I know this too shall pass.

Patience Grasshopper

Its been very hard for me to imagine what its like to not know how to do anything for yourself.  But its been a completely joy to see Abby develop new skills. 

Recently she's been able to grab and hold things.  She will hold the wabbanub, although she still hasn't learned how to continuously keep it in her mouth.  She can grab toys.  She still has some jerky movements when she's trying to do something with them. 

I know they say to just give it time, every time I would get frustrated when she couldn't do something.  and, its true.  It just take time.  And repetition.  And support.  I'm Abby's biggest cheerleader.  I'm so proud of her when she does something new or different.  She usually responds with a smile and sometimes a squeaky little gargle (not quite a giggle yet).

It makes me fall in love all over again every single time. 

They also say time goes by so fast.  Which I know is true.  I'm trying to not rush these moments. I know its a place that you can never return to.  There is no need to hurry up and get things done.  Lets do it the southern way, nice and slow.

Maybe with a glass of lemonade?!?!

I'll have some pancakes with that

The nurses seemed very excited when I said I wanted to breast feed.  I'm not sure how I came to that decision.  It just seemed like the thing to do.  Kinda like, everyone else does it, so so should I.  Of course there is the benefits of all the nutrients in mothers milk, and not paying for formula, but those things really didn't cross my mind.

Abby has cluster feed since Day 1.  I remember being so frustrated in the hospital because it seemed like all she wanted to do was eat.  And she would always fall asleep eating.  The nurses told me that was normal, and just keep feeding her, so I did.

Early on I had concerns that she wasn't getting enough to eat.  Given her small size, and her urgency to eat all the time. I visited with the Lactation Consultant and she said she was doing just fine.  She was getting all she needed.  The pediatrician said the same thing. I still worried.  I just seemed like she would eat little bits all day long.

Now that I'm back at work, I have to pump during the day to give her something to eat at daycare.  I've been very discouraged with pumping.  I tried while I was at home, but it was so stressful.  It always seemed that the minute I started she would start screaming, or the minute I finished she would be hungry again. 

I'm still stressed.  I'm not pumping enough.  I usually have the time to pump three times a day.  Some days are a little more hectic and I can only squeeze in two.  But I'm trying to find a way to get three done.  I still haven't found a way to pump in the evenings, after she goes to bed.  Its still hit or miss on when she will completely fall asleep.  And by that time, I'm beat and on the verge of passing out myself.

The pediatrician okayed that we supplement her bottles.  I don't like doing that because I feel like I'm failing her.  But it all goes back to my theory that I haven't been making enough from the beginning.  That maybe if she was getting more, she wouldn't eat so much. 

She does great with the bottles at daycare.  She takes 4 ounces every three hours, without problem.  She usually eats 2 and half to three hours after we get home.  And then its a cluster through the evening until she falls asleep.  Which has been early, between 8:30 and 9:00.  (Compared to the 10:00 that she was doing a few weeks ago).

So to try and increase what I pump out, I've taking to some herbal remedies.  I've also increased my water, but I can only run to the bathroom so many times in a day!   I started drinking Mothers Milk tea, a nasty concoction of herbs that smells like licorice.  If you can get over the smell, it really doesn't taste that bad.  I just chug it and be done with it.  I've also started taking fenugreek capsules.  Fenugreek is an herb used to make artificially flavored maple products.  The main side effects is your sweat smells like maple syrup.  Yep, I can confirm that.  Valentines day will be oh so romantic with my eau du fenugreek! 

Good news is so far I've seen a slight increase in my output.  Bad news is, I think its tearing up my stomach.  Or I've gotten a stomach bug on top of the head cold I'm battling.  I've stepped back the dosage to see if it helps any.  I was really excited that I would be making just enough for her now.  I really hope its just a bug.  I'm finally starting to feel better about making enough milk.

My Favorite Thing

Its 7am.  I pick you up out of your bed.  You're sound asleep.  You curl and bury your head into my shoulder.  You wiggle and squirm till your comfy.  I softly rub your back.  I take deep inhales of your smell.

Its time to start the day.

I let you snuggle while I get the coffee pot going. 

Its time to get dressed.  I lay you down on the changing pad.  You wiggle till your eyes open.  You whimper as the cold air on your skin. 

But you smile the minute you see me standing there.  You coo. And we talk about what you will wear that day. You're such a happy baby.


Love every second of it.  Hands down, my favorite part of the day.

Dare we say it?

I think Abby has developed a bedtime routine.  Every night this week she has been put pleasantly asleep between 8:30 and 9:00. 

Some night we take a bath.  Some night we play.  Some nights we bounce around the living room.  I can tell she starts rubbing her eyes and turning her head side to side.

We make final coo's at each other on the changing table while the giraffe sings to us one more time for the day.  I've started to rub lotion on her legs and massage her feet before I put her jammies on.  We find a comfy spot for one more feeding.  I'll dim the lights.  She's eat till her hearts content and then softly pull off and relax.

At that point I can lay her in the pack and play and she is content for a few hours.  Some nights its 4, one night is was 5.5 and some are just 3. 

I'm just pleased that going to bed has become easier, and sooner.

I feel bad that maybe I didn't recognize the cues sooner.  I think she was overtired before and too overstimulated to relax.  I think she takes better naps at daycare, that may be helping as well.  I think she is enjoying the new routine.  I know I am a creature of habit, so it doesn't surprise me to have created on that does as well.

Its only been 8 days

She's only been at daycare 8 full days, and I've already caught the crud.  I actually felt it on Monday, so its really only 5 days.

I don't know what I have.  I plan to hit up the minute clinic after work to find out.  But I've got razor sharp rocks in my throat that I can't see to get rid of. 

I'm also limited to what I can take, so I'm concerned about what it is and what I will have to do about it.  I'm also concerned that it has/will spread to everyone else.  I've been very careful, but I know germs can be very sneaky.

I've always had a weak immune system.  I hope this isn't a start to a merry-go-round of illnesses for me.

No thanks on the lemonade.... it hurts to swallow.

3 months

Where has the time gone?  Can it really be three months already?!?!

It seems like things are starting to fall into place, and we are figuring you out.

This month your found your fingers.  You found you like to suck on them.  You also like to suck on the ear of your lamb wabbanub. Sometimes you will take the paci part. 

This month you've started daycare.  The ladies tell me everyday how beautiful you are and how much you smile everyday.  They tell me how much of a happy baby you are.  You never cry or fuss.  You take your bottles good, and usually all of it.  You've discovered you like the swing, so this weekend we are going to go get you your own for home.

This month you christened mommy into mommyhood by having a major blowout outside the house.  You decided to poop your pants on the way to JJ's soccer tournament.  Mommy realized it after she had set you on her lap to bundle you up.  Who knew poop could come out a leg hole and onto socks?  You didn't cry or fuss once while Mommy spazed about it.  You rode like a champ back to the hotel in just your diaper so Mommy could get you cleaned up.

You're still a little bit.  You wore newborn pajamas last night.  They are just the right length for you.  You wear mostly size 0-3 clothes, and there is a lot of extra room in them. I don't think you will fit into the valentines onesies I bought this summer (size 3-6).  You are in size 1 diapers, and I suspect you will be for a while. The tabs overlap when I fasten them.  You've got no bum to hold anything up.  You can still wear newborn sized pants.  They are becoming capri length, but they are finally holding up at the waist.

Your love of JJ is growing.  You seem so content when he's holding you.  You love to hang out in his room.  He talks to you and you coo and smile in response.  I know this change has been hard on him, but I think one day the two of you will have an amazing relationship.  

Daddy loves to play with you.  He thinks its funny to rub his nissels against your face.  You don't think that's very funny.  He also thinks it fun to blow in your face when your crying.  This catches you off guard and you stop, look shocked, then proceed to cry some more.  I really must try to get this on video.

You developed a sleeping schedule.  You usually go to bed between 9 and 10.  Although last night you went down at 8:30.  You usually sleep for 4 hours and then wake up to eat.  After that you wake up every 2 hours to eat.  Usually by 6 or 7, you are ready to get up for the day.  So far this has worked out well, hopefully in the next month we can fine tune it, but its ok how it is.  I think I've gotten use to the sleep deprivation.  Its not as hard for me to get up in the night, nor is it as hard to stay awake while you eat.  Usually you eat for less than 10 minutes.  Sometimes you will stretch it out, but its always under 20.

I can't wait to see what changes come in the next month.