The part they don't tell you about

A friend of mine had a baby two weeks ago. She messaged me yesterday to ask about breast pumps and she commented on how hard it was and nobody tells you about it.

Its true. They don't tell you how hard its going to be. Its physically and mentally exhausting. I didn't blog much the 12 weeks I was off on maternity because I didn't have the time or the energy. I had a baby that wouldn't let me put her down to do much at all. It wasn't a relaxing time, it was a very stressful and trying time.

I'm sure I'm not the first mother, or the last to think "what have I gotten myself into?" You feel horrible for thinking it, but its true. You really can reach your breaking point.

I thought about why us mothers don't share this experience. I think the excitement of a first time mother is something special. You would be called the Debbie downer if you actually told her how terrible it could be. And then again, you have those mothers who seem to have the perfect baby and make it seem so easy. It made me think I was the only one like struggling. Its a hard subject to bring up.

Every one thinks babies are so cute and adorable. They are, but not all the time. I'll admit that I didn't enjoy the tiney tiny infant stage. I just didn't feel like I knew what I was doing, and it was really hard to ask what to do because no one can give you a straight answer. Every baby is different.

The almost toddler stage. I like this part. Abby and I seemed to have figured each other out. I understand when she's hungry, wet, or just tired. She's a lot more expressive and interactive. And, she sleeps. Which helps... a ton! Everyone is much more pleasant with enough sleep.

Its cliche, but it does get better. And its hard because nobody can tell you when, but just know at some point it will and it will be wonderful!

Believe

This morning I opened my jewelry box and picked out a necklace I hadn't worn in while. It had gotten push aside, crumpled in to a little heap towards the back of the box. But this morning, I chose it. And once I put it on, I remembered how powerful it was.

This morning I put on my believe necklace. One that I wore many times during the darkest of times, and one I wore many times during the 40 weeks of unknown. But we are approaching a year, and its a good reminder to myself of the long road I've come down.

Everything changed a year ago and dreams became reality. Everything that we had worked so hard for, and prayed so hard for, had come true. I was a mother. We were a family. I knew that it was all possible because I never stopped believing that it could happen.

I snuggled with Abby last night while she drifted to sleep, counting my blessings with each breath that she took. I soaked it in, and I know the next year will go as fast as the first. She will grow up, and she will have hopes and dreams of her own. I can only hope that I can instill in her the same willingness to believe in herself, and in her faith, that things will happen. Maybe not always as planned, but maybe I can also teach her not to be the OCD planner that I am, and relax sometimes.

Magical Vision

I'll admit that I spend too much of my day on the Internet. I have down time at work, and that the only thing I have to do. So I see a lot of things. I get inspired to do a lot of things. Some good, some bad.

One of the things I knew I always wanted to do when I had children was a cake smash photo session. The kids always looked so cute sticking their little fingers in the cake, rubbing it all over themselves. I thought it would be easy. I can make a cake. I can take a pretty picture. Done!

I started planning to do this with Abby about a month ago. I carefully looked for a time when I knew she would be happy, and the light would be good. It worked out that a weekend came available, so I penciled it in. I began to worry because they weather for the weekend had shifted and it was going to be chilly. The only space I had to take these photos was outside. So, I pushed things back a day, giving the weather a chance to warm up. Which it did... yeah!

I carefully made a cake. I'm not a great decorator, but I borrowed a large cupcake pan from a friend, thinking that would be easier to frost than a cake. Wrong.... I skimped, trying to use up things in the pantry, so I used canned frosting. I knew I should have made butter cream. The frosting was way to soft to pipe onto the cake in any design fashion. Plus I colored it hot pink instead of light pink (which worked out better in the end). I thought I could chill the frosting and then pipe it. That only made it not stick to the cake. So, I ended just squeezing it out on the cake, trying to make it look like ribbon and lace. It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't pretty either. But it had to do. I stuck it in the fridge so the frosting wouldn't slide off till it was show time.

I tired to choose a time during the day that Abby was happiest. It seemed like we had reached that point, Gene was around to help, so I said lets just do this. We took everything outside and set her down, and just like that... tears. She was so upset. She didn't want to touch the cake. She didn't want anything to do with the cake. We tried to show her she could touch it. She didn't like that. We tried to show her she could eat it. She didn't like that. The only thing she did like was when Woody came over to clean up the mess we made showing her what she could do.

I somewhat expected that she wouldn't like it. I was sort of prepared that it could do like that. I'm not upset that she didn't smile and have a good time. I still captured a great memory. After we were done we played in the bathtub. Those pictures I love more than the cake pictures. I think they capture how much she loves the bath and her great, genuine, smile.

She gets her own cake at her birthday party, so we will see how she likes it then. Maybe on a different day, in a different setting, it will be ok. Or maybe not, and that's ok too.

I spoke to soon

We knew it was coming and yesterday it happened. Baby girl started walking.

I picked her up from school and she showed me what she learned that day.

I was excited that she finally did it, but disappointed that I didn't get to see the first steps. Gene thinks they should have a policy to not to tell you if milestones like that happen. And I can agree with that. I would have been nice to discover it and see it on our own, but it was just as exciting seeing her do it when I picked her up.

She's still hesitant, but I know that won't take long to get over. She'll be running around the house in no time!

So close...

We are so close to walking.... so close!

She can walk really well if you hold her hands. If just using the one finger hold, on one hand. She can motor around with a reciprocal gait really well.

But, if you leave her on her own, she's gonna slowly squat down and then crawl. Shes way to timid to take off on her own. We've tried to bribe her, but she always chickens out. She has taken maybe one step on her own, but then she got scared. Last night, I think she took one with each foot, but I screamed in delight and it scared her.

I know this means my baby is growing up. Her birthday will be here in two weeks. I can't believe it.

I paid for it, I should use it, right?

Friday was the annual church BBQ. A big fundraiser that takes all day long. I volunteer to help make the baked beans. That means getting up early to get to the Elementary school to get things going

Gene was also helping, as was his mother

I didn't think twice about taking Abby to daycare that day. Just because I'm off doesn't mean that I can't use it can I?

I had so many people ask me where she was, and why wasn't she there. She didn't need to be there. She would be into EVERYTHING. I need to help work the event, not look after the roaming baby. I even had people ask me when it got settled down to go get her! No, I'm sorry, its currently her nap time, and I'm currently enjoying not having to look after her of have her all up in everything around me.

I didn't feel guilty about taking her. She enjoyed her day, I enjoyed mine.

Cold Turkey

3 weeks ago I quit cold turkey.

I stopped taking the anxiety meds.

I felt it was time.

I originally started taking them becuase I was a ball of nerves over a new "surprise" pregnancy. I asked about coming off when I thought the newness had worn off, but I was encouraged to stay. Point taken, I did. Then I asked post partum about coming off. I was encouraged again to continue on them because of hormonal shifts. Point taken, I did.

But I felt like it was time. Things have mellowed out. I stopped breastfeeding 3 months ago. I gave it time for those hormones to balance out. I don't feel anxious about child rearing. We aren't having difficulties with anything. I didn't feel like I needed that crutch anymore. I felt like I had become void of emotions. Things should have made me sad, and although I felt sad, I didn't feel SAD. I felt like an unemotional robot.

I know I should have called the doctor, but I didn't want to be enouraged to take them anymore. Sure, I could have explained my reasoning, or found another doctor. But I didn't want to do any of those. I just wanted to see how it would go.

And its been great. I feel so much better. I feel like I have emotions. It just feels good to feel like me again.

And hopefully, some of those lingers Lb's from the pregnancy will go away too. I don't really care if they do or don't, but I can maybe hope.

one one

Baby girl you are 11 months. That means you are one month from your first birthday.

I remember this time last year. I was scurrying to get everything ready. Wondering if I had everything I would need. I would often sit in your room and rock. I would talk to you and tell you how much I love you. Often like we do at night now.

Preparations are underway for your birthday party. I hope to have all our friends and family gathered to help celebrate you, and your life.

You still are an amazement to me. You're a thinker, just like your dad. You ponder at your toys. You are quick to learn how things work (that's from me). You enjoy playing and learning new things.

You are adventurous. You love exploring new places. Either on the ground, or in your chariot. You love to look around and soak it all in (that's from both of us). You love the outdoors, but you're not sure about grass. You can crawl like a maniac and you are quick! You've learned to stand up on your own, and it won't be too long till we get those first few steps. I'm sure once you are on your feet, nothing will hold you back.

You still love to eat. You are a big girl at the table and you love trying new foods. You've become independent and you want to be able to put the food in your mouth yourself. Uncle Jerry fed you some frosting from Grampa's birthday cake. You really like it, but I think you liked that you could smear it and spread it everywhere. You are a champ at the sippy cup. I will cherish the last few days we have of the bottle. Its hard watch you grow from our little baby to a toddler.

You continue to be my peanut. You're swimming in your 9 month clothes, but you look so cute. I know we will get all winter out of them. You're probably close to 17 and half pounds. You are still in size 2 diapers. Although, I think when these run out I will move you up to the next size.

You love making sounds. You can still do Mama, and Dada. You are getting bubbie. Your newest babble is- do. Which is an attempt at dog. Sometimes it comes out as og. I think you are close to making the association of saying dog and who and what is the dog. But you love to make noise. You talk to yourself in the mirror, or the window. I think you can upset that the baby on the other side doesn't talk back.

You still love Daycare. Although it hurts my heart everyday to leave you. But you've never cried and you're always so happy to see me when I come get you. They treat you nice there and I have no complaints. I wish it was possible for me to stay home more with you. We would have fun doing our adventures during the week. We could actually enjoy grocery shopping, rather than hurrying to get done to get home for dinner and bed time.

11 months. 11 blessed months. Beautiful girl.

She's back

And she won't go away

Aunt Flow that is.

She's been hanging around for over a week now. But its not like "Hey!!! I'm here and lets party!" Its more like "Oh.. you again. I'm not sure I want to socialize with you. Today I think I'll hide, but tomorrow... lets party!"

It started as spotting. Then it went away. Then the cramps started. Then the heavy bleeding. Then it stopped. Then the cramps returned. Then the drainage returned. Then it all stopped. Then it all started again.

I feel like a teenager not knowing what's going on with my body. Its not enough for a tampon (most of the time), but too much for a panty liner. I've messed every single pair of underwear I have. I've had some near misses in my work pants.

I'm too old for this.

I'm hoping that this is it. Maybe my system will regulate now and I won't have problems like this again. After all, the Mirena does state that in most patients it reduces or eliminates your menstrual cycle. It was certainly nice not having one for 18 months.