Kayne told me I could

I'm ready to go ape shit.  I really can't describe how I feel.  I want to believe I feel different, but then again I don't want it to be made up in my head.

Here's a little phantom symptoms update:  Cramps, come and go.  Again, the more I think about them, the more they are noticeable.  I've felt some right sided tightness and sharper pains.  I've also experienced several episodes of fire crotch.  (That's just what it sounds like, like my crotch is on fire).  Boobs, my left nipple is someone tender, it reacts more to sensitive touching.  Both boobs are not handling under wires few well.  Post nasal drip:  still there and still annoying.  It also seems to get worse as the day goes on.  Bladder: peeing a lot, but I also can hold it for a while, so its hard to tell if I'm peeing more often.  Fatigue:  ehh... about the same as always.  I'm tired during the day, like right now I could lay down and its only 4:00.  I did fall asleep on the couch last night shortly after nine.

Its all in my head right.

I'm refusing to pee on a stick this time around.  I just don't think I can handle the heartbreak.  I don't think I could pull myself together to go to work.  So, I'm going to have my blood work done first thing, and then I'm letting the message go to voicemail.  Then, when I get home, I can listen to it and respond accordingly. 

I haven't had any major breakdowns so far.  I've come close.  Its so hard to describe how you feel and analyze if you feel any different than you did before.  The first cycle was 7 months ago.  A lot has changed with my body since then.  With the frozen cycle, I had high hopes that it worked, even peed early just knowing it was from all the symptoms I was having.  I'm so analytical, I'm so cut and dry that its very hard being in this gray area.  Certainly knowing that its possibly too soon to have any symptoms. 

So, as I said, I'm ready to go ape shit.  That, that, that, that don't kill me, can only make me stronger....

I am slowly going crazy

This is hard.  Really hard.  I'm totally over thinking and panicking about everything!  Like cramping, had some the other day.  Then I remember last time, with the FET, I had the same thing, but you know what, as soon as I tested and it was negative, all the cramping went away.  So I convinced myself it was phantom pains, and indeed they went away. 

But now, they are back.  But only after I go to the bathroom and my tender ute has been pulverized by my bladder or maybe even my bowels (but those don't seem to want to do anything lately). And, get this, if my bowels do work, I'm noticing some of that nasty crinone has a slight brownish tint to it, but not all of it, but some.  Like spotting.  So, is this from the cramping, is this from implantation.  Oh hell, there I go again.

I've been giving myself hourly boob checks.  But, I'm convinced my itty bitty titties are never going to hurt. My nips were killing me the other day, but that has gone down.  But they did that the last time too.  I think that's them just getting use to the progesterone. Its nothing I tell myself.

I'm tired.  I've fallen asleep three nights in a room now on the couch. I could do that at any time in my life, but the other night I was completely out and it didn't take long for me to get there.

We learned the other day that we have one little snow baby.  Just one again made it to freeze.  Its disheartening to know that only one made it all the way.  They said that its perfect, but I want to see the reports myself.  I'm just hoping that the two little ones we put back were strong like that and would have made it all the way too. 

I just really want this to work.  Gene is at the breaking point, and I'm not far behind. Its so emotional. 

We've got so many people praying for us.  For me, that just adds to the emotion.  In the beginning, we hardly told anyone.  I didn't know how to bring it up.  We hesitated telling our parents until we knew we had to.  I knew doing IVF wasn't the cure all, and its very hard to convince people that its not a definite.  I'm so fortunate to have so many people thinking of us.  Sending me messages through out the day, letting me know they are thinking of me.  I know when this ride comes to an end and whatever the ending, they will all be right there to comfort me.  I hate pity and I hate people feeling sorry for me, so its really hard to except condolences.  But over the months, I've learned its not pity they are providing.  Its hope, its praise, that things will work out.
 

Are you there God, its me Lisa

I hope your listening.  I would really like this to work out.  I really hope this is your plan.  I'm tired of being so strong.  It hurts. 

The waiting game has begun and I'm not very patient.  I'm trying not to over analyze every little thing.  (like those cramps the other night, or the fullness that I feel in my ute).  It feels like someone did a dance on my ovaries. I'm exhausted, but that might be from having to get up several times in the night to pee.  And not just a little, I'm talking gotta go now or its a disaster.  (Thank you Medrol!)

I feel like a weeble.  I should wear a tent, it would hide me well.  It would need to be a tent with windows because these hot flashes will need some sort of ventilation. 

I know its the anxiety.  At this point in the game, there is nothing I can do.  We just have to hope for the best.  That little Gesa and Line are snuggling in and making a home for themselves.  I wish there was a clearer picture at this point. I wish you could already tell if it worked or not, impatient much.  I've got a lot to keep my mind occupied this week, but it just seems that I can't let it go.

I'm still waiting to hear if any of the remaining embryos made it to freeze.  That might help relieve some of the anxiety.  Knowing that they could have survived this far, maybe the two with me did.  I think knowing if their are frosties will also let us know what our next steps are.  I hate to be cynical, but after all this, you learn to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.  Its just one of those things in life you can't explain to people, it just comes with the experience.

PUPO

For those that don't know what that means, that is pregnant until proven otherwise. That's what I am right now. I've got two little embies trying to snuggle in and make themselves at home. We transfers two 8 cell grade 2 embies. They looked beautiful. The doc said they were great. Of the other 9 we have, two already arrested, several are also 8 cell grade 2 and some are grade 4. Grade 1 is best 5 is worst. So we just have to wait and see how those turn out. It's been a dance around here trying to keep out secret from JJ. From last weekends check ups to today's transfer it's been hard trying to cover up our tracks. Especially with such an intuitive child. He's been happy with the excuses that I had to go into work early or "spontaneous" sleep overs at the grandparents. This morning was the hardest because both of us leaving before he had to be a school was of of the norm. He noticed me packing up the ipad and macbook and asked why i was taking them to work with me I hate telling lies. I'm not good at it. Hopefully he will understand someday. I'm sitting at home right now. Legs up in the recliner. I'm tortouring myself by watching 16 and pregnant. I just don't understand how teenages can be so naive. If I had a baby at 16, they would be, 16 now. It's not fair that a 32 year ld woman has to go to extreme measures. But hey that's life. All you can do is make lemonade right?

I 'heart' my dog

My dog knows me.  Its unreal how well he can sense I'm scared, or angry, or playful.  The past few weeks have been a wild ride, and I know its not over, but Woody always seems to be there when I need him. 

 

At night, when I get tucked in, he jumps on the bed and snuggles with me.  I'm trying to train him to wait till I'm fully in, but some nights he just can't help himself.  He jumps up and burrows his way up to my face.  He rests his head in my arm and I softly pet him.  He'll look back at me, lick my face, and then snuggle right back in.  This process doesn't last long.  I blame that on having a high energy dog. Its usually just 10 minutes or so and then he jumps down or moves over to Gene and sticks his face in his while he's reading.  (Its quite cute!)

I feel during those few minutes that he gets me.  That he's absorbing my pain.  He's so sweet and affectionate. I love when I get home and he runs to me and jumps all around like its the best part of his day.  Or like when we go away and leave him at the sitters.  He just about runs me over, well he did run me over once, and licked my face with excitement.  Then he slept beside my side of the bed that night. 

I imagine this is how being a mother feels.  I hope I don't have to imagine much longer.

Playing the numbers game

So here we sit, playing the odds. Again.  Yesterday they retrieved 23 eggs.  I'm very pleased with that number.  I certainly could feel all 23 of them pressing against my bladder.  Today we got the fertilzation report.  Of the 23, only 18 were mature.  That's ok, I expected some to not be mature, there sure were a lot in there, and several that measured small on Sunday. 

Well, of those 18, only 11 fertilized.  So again, we had a large attrition rate.  I know 11 is awesome, but last time I thought 8 was awesome!  I'm just hoping that those 11 are good quality eggs.  I really hope the metformin had time to do something.  We go back Friday morning for our three day transfer.  I have hope that there will be two rockstars to transfer.  Afterall, we had two last time, but its believed to be the endometriosis that prohibited implantation.  So, if thats the thinking, than if we have a rockstar or two this time, then we should be golden!

I'm clinging to shreads of hope.  I'm not a gambler.

What What

In the Butt... You got it, I got to trigger last night.  The last shot is always the big one in the bum.  Thankfully I sit on an ice pack for a while and its not so bad.  It pinches a little when it goes in, but it really doesn't hurt that bad.  It doesn't burn like the fsh drugs do.  Maybe because its going into the muscle.  It doesn't hurt then, but my bum sure has hell hurts today.

But all of me hurts.  I can't sit upright, or bend over.  Righty is brewing up a storm of little eggs, yesterday we were over a bakers dozen on that side and more were still coming.  Lefty is holding its own, but its carrying the leaders (one 20mm, and one 19mm) so its doing a lot itself.

Tomorrow is the big day.  Well, the first big day of the week.  I get to take my nice little cat nap.  Which will be nice because I didn't sleep well last night, (I can't lay on my right side, and now on my back). I know I will probably be up 10 times tonight checking the clock so I don't oversleep. 

I'm not sure I will eat anything between now and then.  I'm still nauseous and getting worse by the minute.  I don't know if its the HCG or the nerves, or probably both.  I'm starving, but food just doesn't sound appetizing.  I've also got some post nasal drip that might be contributing to all this too. 

We're at the point of the ride were you've settled in.  The initial fear has worn off and your having fun.  We've been through some up and downs, and we know more are to come, but we are enjoying the wind in our hair at this point.

In three weeks time we will know if we get to depart and go to another ride, or stand in line for this one again.  I'm really ready to move to another line.

I'm walking a little funny

And I should be, my ovaries are like lemons!  I have 2 follicles around 16mm and 11 slightly smaller than that.  My E2 is up to 1038.  I feel like crap.  I think I'm going to puke any minute.  I had a mini melt down last night, but how doesn't cry when they watch Grey's Anatomy. 

In nerd speak, I'm compensating for my enlarged right ovary but not flexing my hip as much so I'm walking with a little circumduction.  When I sit, I tend to lean back in the chair until my coccyx goes numb.  I've taken over sitting in the recliner at night.  Gene had to tell this to the doc, but Gene then clarified that it was my chair to begin with, so I'm fully entitled to tater up in it all I want!

I'm preparing to get up early and go into the docs office both days this weekend.  I'm hoping to trigger Sunday.  At this point, I think my E2 and follicles are a little less than last time, but last time we ended up with a lot of immature embryos that didn't make it.  I'm hoping by having more that are similar in size that we will have a better chance at getting embryos that thrive.

I've been wearing my lucky socks.  All three pairs.  Nemo, my easter eggs from last cycle, and today I sported my soccer balls.  I'm filled with hope right now. And lemons, lets make some lemonade!

So it happened again

Last night, sitting in the church sanctuary, watching JJ and all the other little children have choir practice, it hit me again.

Cue: crying

The beautiful little voices.  They were singing a song about Noah and his Ark.  I sang that song.  Mostly at summer camp.  I loved summer camp.  I was a camp lifeguard for two summers.  I'm not the most outgoing person, but being a camp counselor was a great way to build my self esteem and help me come out of my shell. 

But as I was sitting there, I imagined my own children going to camp, singing this song, having all that fun that I did.  I said some prayers that this works, that I don't have to suffer any longer.  Watching all those little kids grow up, hoping that some day I would have my own child up there.  (Please don't mistake that I love JJ as I would my own, and I have valued every second of our lives together.  But my desires at this point are for a baby, and the experience carrying and birthing a baby)

I hope I can make it through today without any meltdowns.  I'm not making any promises.  Yesterdays E2 was at 366 and my follies looked good.  Lead was at 12mm with 10 less that 10 on the left and 15 less than 10 on the right.  The ultrasound was beautiful with lots of little follicles.  If my calculations (speculations) are correct then I'm over half way done with the needles!  Its going to be a long weekend, but I can do this!

And, it happened

I had my first break down yesterday. 

I have a fairly mild commute.  Its 30 minutes door to door.  The drive is all highway, just a few back country roads. There is three stop lights total, two of which are just out front of the hospital.  In the mornings I listen to a local radio station because I love their silly antics and the nonscense ramble.  In the afternoons I usually have it tuned to the same station, playing Ryan Seacrest's show, or NPR, but mostly, I just tune it all out and fly home on auto pilot.

This is how the moments happen.  I let my mind wander.  As my thoughts drifted, one swiped across my mind, and just like that, the OH SHIT moment happened and I burst into tears.  That moment of recognition that oh my gosh this is happening!  All the waiting since October, this is the time. 

Cue rational thought here Lisa.  I was managing to pull it together when I clued back into the radio and my relief came.  Thank you Kayne.  That-That-That-That don't kill me, will just make me stronger, I need you to hurry up now, I can't wait much longer.

It was perfect timing.  I didn't even have to play the CD, it just came on the radio.  This is a sign!

Oh, and my estradiol was 202 yesterday.  I have another date with the dildo cam today and more bloodwork to come!

So, it must be working

Because I feel like CRAP!  In addition to the lovely Lupron headache that never goes away, I just feel icky all over.  Its a touch a nausea, but not really enough to make you want to ralph.  My abdomen hurts from all the pin pricks and bending over is starting not to be fun. 

I go today to check my E2 level.  I really hope its reasonable, and I kind hope they step down my meds.  Although, there isn't much they can do with that except lower the Gonal-F.  Which, I hope they do because if they don't I need to re-order more.  They ordered two pens, but last time I didn't finish one, so I put one on hold.  I'm also hoping if I do need more, we can order a lower dosage pen that won't cost me so much.

I had to get my TB test yesterday for work.  The employee health nurse knows that I don't like needles.  (I've declined the flu shot for 9 years based on that reason).  I think she intentionally stabs me with that damn TB shot.  I know it has to go under the skin, but its just so damn painful.  I am the human pincushion right now, I should be OK with this.  That was horrible!  But, its done and I'm showing no signs of TB, yeah!

When I grow up

Up until around the age of 11, I told everyone I wanted to be a nurse when I grew up.  My mother's a nurse, so is my grandmother.  I love caring for people.  But one day it all clicked.  Nurses give shots, and I DON'T like shots.  So, I decided that I needed to be a scientist instead. 

As I stood in my kitchen last night.  Working under the darkness with just the under cabinets lights guiding me, I drew up my meds into the humongous syringe.  I carefully concocted the secret recipe of IVF success.  I'm still a pansy when it comes to getting (and don't ask me to give) a shot.  But I've noticed this time that my anxiety is a lot less.  I don't have mini-panic attacks before each injection anymore.  I don't push away Gene's hand.  I can watch him do the Lupron, but I still cover my face when its time for the menopur (now comboed with gonal-f) injection. 

I feel icky at this point.  As I know I should.  My ovaries are getting tender.  Which means that sitting will soon become uncomfortable in the next few days thanks to old righty hanging out in my thigh crease.  I've made sure my stretchy waist pants are ready for wear.  I don't care if they are a linen blend and its the middle of winter.  Damnit, when you've got coconuts inside your abdomen you can wear whatever the hell you want to!

18

18 is a much better number.  I had my baseline AFC ultrasound redone and 18 is the new number.  Why the change?  Well apparently they don't measure a lot of the smaller follicles anymore, they've adapted a stricter scale. 

So when the RE took a peak at it today, he was able to spot several smaller follicles that fell just outside of the cut off.  The RE, the IVF nurse, and the sonographer, all agreed that this new method might be too strict.  Especially for sensitive patients like me, that know too much, and FREAK out when Dr. Google has told them something different.

I did learn that last time my AFC was 21, so 18 is good for me.

Now I'm ready to get stabbed twice daily and bloat up just enough to be awkwardly unconfortable.

Mothers intuition

So I just couldn't let the 7 go.  I couldn't.  So I got up the courage and I called the nurse.  And low and behold, she didn't like it either.  She said she took the ultrasound scan back to the tech and had her recount, but the tech was firm with her choice of 7.  So, the nurse said she would speak to the doc and she would call me back.

Well guess what, he didn't buy it either.  He said there is no way that my AFC can drop that much in less than year.  Especially with an AMH as high as I had.  So he said if I wanted to I could come back in and he would re-scan me personally.  So, for piece of mind, I said YES!  She also made sure to tell me several times that he's not concerned at all that I won't respond. 

So, I'm heading back on Friday.   Its mother intuition, I just know it.

One

It takes just one right.  That's what they say.  That's what they want you to believe.  That's what I'm trying to convince myself. 

Yesterdays baseline was good.  I will say not great because I know too much and when I know too much I panic.  And panicing is what I'm doing right now.  Last IVF we retrieved 17 eggs.  We were so happy with that number.  However is reduced down to 2 great ones and one to freeze that later turned out to be crap. 

For those of you that don't know as much, here is a little lesson:
One of the scans they do pre-stim meds is to check how many dormant follicles you have in each ovary.  Its called an antral follicle count (AFC).  It gives you an idea of how many follicles (hopefully producing eggs) you will produce. 

In the past I've had an abundance of follicles.  It was something noted after the fact, that in conjunction with crappy embryo quality (subsequently linked to crappy eggs, since we specifically chose the best sperm) offered a slight change in plans for this cycle.  That change included adding a twice daily dose of Metformin in to the mix to help my insulin resistant ovaries produce higher quality eggs.

Yesterdays AFC was 7.  Just 7.  So, I'm preparing myself that we might only get 7 eggs.  We could get a few more, we could get less.  Its really hard to know at this point and I really need to start thinking faster when I am there and getting these questions answered while things are still fresh.  (I know I can call the nurse line and harass her with my questions, but the more I think about it, the more I know I'm over reacting.)

Its quality we are after not quantity.  It I only make one egg, I want it to be the best it can be.  If 7 is all I'm going to make then let them be the best 7.  Afterall, last time we really only ended up with 7 by day 3.  And from that 2 were superior and the rest were, well, ehh...

The nurse couldn't tell me if the Metformin was doing anything just yet.  I didn't want to tell her that I had googled.  Because, you know I refer to Dr. Google first.  Hence, the panic attack.  I'll never learn!

In other news, my estradiol levels are good.  I'm ready to start stims this Saturday.  I'm buckled in and ready to go.  The Lupron this morning burned like a son of a bitch and is still stinging, but I'm ready, bring on the juice.

Me, nemo, and Kayne

Its baseline day.  The day of decisions I guess.  The day you get to take a peak under the hood and see if things are ready to go. 

I've got my lucky socks on (little nemo's, "Just keep swimming"), I've got my beloved Believe necklace on and I've already rocked out to Kayne once today. 

Today is going to be a good day.

Here we go

I've boarded the ride. Well, I boarded four days ago when I started the Lupron. I accidentally left the ice pack on too long and I think I gave myself some frost bite, but live and learn. I think the warm skin from the shower and the cold of the ice made it stick to me. It hurt like a son of gun when I pulled it apart and four days later I still have a welt. Oh well. But here I am. Sitting in the fog with the frontal lobe dull ache. Tomorrow I meet the dildo cam and the vampire to check to see if it's time to get going. Come Saturday we'll go over the edge and there is no stopping till its done. I've been quite the bitch lately. I thought it was due to stress of the holiday. I didn't feel ready for Christmas. But Christmas came and went and I'm still cranky. I really think I'm just scared and I'm taking it out on everyone else. The minute I snap at someone I want to cry. I guess when you reach the bottom the only place to go is up.