Woah!

Every time I get a glimpse of my reflection, I have the same response.  Woah!  Is that really me?

Gene does the same thing.  Now its more of a joke between us.  But I do catch him off guard,  a lot.  He did mention this weekend that I look no different from the back.  Thanks sunshine!  He said from the side though, is a whole different picture.

I, of course, feel huge.  My co workers have mixed responses.  One, who was recently pregnant, comforted me by telling me I don't look big at all.  But one, always has to ask how far along I am and then seems shocked when that number isn't as far as she thought it was.  I try to not obsess over it.

I feel like the bottomless pit.  I could eat all the time.  Anything and everything.  I don't really have one specific craving.  If I start thinking about something then it starts sounding really good, and I want it. I do try to limit those indulgences.  But its hard to deny myself ice cream, or cookies.  I try to eat salads for lunch, and whatever fresh fruit I can find.  I try not to pack my plate full at dinner time.  It seems as if I just can't get full. 

My desk drawer at work is full of snacks.  But not good (ie, healthy) snacks.  The dark chocolate peanut M&M's are my fav.  But, I can't just eat 3 or 4.  It usually turns into more than that, which is not helpful.

I weighed myself yesterday.  If you noticed on yesterdays post I didn't include my weight gain.  The number was a little high, but I also had my shoes on.  :)  I'm scared to see what I weigh in at next weeks appointment.  I've been on track lately, at least according to google and my pregnancy books. 

I'm glad to finally look pregnant.  Even if I do surprise myself.

V-Day

How far along: 24 weeks.  Technically viability day.  If I should give birth now, there is a good chance she could survive.
How big is baby:  Getting bigger by the day, I can't see me feet.

Total weight gain:

Maternity clothes:  My jeans and capri's came in last week.  I wore the capri's twice and I love them.  I finally feel stylish while pregnant!  They are a tag bit big, but I think that's ok.

Sleep: Loving it.  Except when she wakes me up with her kicking!  She seems to have become a night owl.

Best moment this week:  JJ left for the beach for the week and he patted my tummy before he left and said "Bye Abby"

Gender: Girl!

Craving: Still beer.  And lunch meat.  I think mostly because I can't have either of those.  I'm trying to follow the no unheated lunch meat rule.  Its really hard sometimes.

Movement: She tore it up in there this weekend.  Gene was able to feel her for the first time on Friday.  She was pretty active after dinner and I put his hand on my belly.  It takes it a while, but she eventually kicked.  I know the kicks will get more pronounced and he will be able to feel more of them.

Labor Signs: None, yeah!

Belly Button in or out:  Still in.  Gene asked when its gonna pop out.

Stretch marks: Still none.

What I miss: Beer and lunch meat!  Ha!

What I am looking forward to: Hearing her heartbeat again.  I go back next week for my check up.  I can't wait to hear that sweet sound again!

Milestones:  I got her room cleaned out Saturday!  It was a task, but its done and I'm so proud of myself.  Its also been painted.  I hope to get the furniture ordered one day this week.  (I have to go to the store to do it, so it depends on when I can get there!)

It's Back

Not the elephant, although its still clinging close by, its my ENERGY! 

I'm so excited not to feel so beat down all the time.  Well, I do still feel tired some, but at least its not after the simplest of tasks.

This past weekend I was finally able to clean out Abby's room!  I've been putting it off because I knew it would be labor intensive.  (Mostly just sorting through old boxes from my house that never got put away or stored away).  I was up early Saturday morning and after my relaxing start with my coffee, I tackled it.  And I finished it!  By the end of the day the room was empty!  (Well, the bed frame still needs to go away, right now its really in the hallway).

And, on Sunday, the room got painted!  It looks so different being PINK!  Its not finished yet.  We think it still needs one more coat of paint.  And we also have to add the accent strips.  But its getting there.  Once the trim goes up we can load in the furniture (which I plan to order this week). 

Baby girl was so excited to see her room come together she was dancing all over the place this weekend.  She even woke me up Saturday night. 

I still can't believe this is all real!

What's done is done

I just stood at the fax machine.  Punched in the numbers and watched the paper slide in.  I also felt my stomach drop. 

I just withdrew us from the shared risk, IVF program.  *Gulp*

I'm feeling very optimistic about this pregnancy.  I've been given a clean bill of health so far.  I've had no problems (knock on wood). Millions of women have normal pregnancies all the time.  I can have one too.

There is no turning back.  Its done.  The money will be welcomed back.  It will pay off the loan we took to do all the procedures.  We probably ended up coming out with the advantage on it all, but I haven't added it all up. 

The left over funds will be used to help get Abby all the things she will need.  Like nice furniture that will last her entire life, and other things that as a first time mom I think she needs!

As I'm typing this, Abby is kicking.  I'm taking that as a good sign.  She is showing me she is ok.  I want to hug her and snuggle her and spoil her rotten.  She is a precious gift and I always want her to know that. 

Never take anything for granted, and don't give up on your dreams.

I get by with a little help

It happened this weekend.

I couldn't buckle my shoes. 

Gene and I were having Date Night, so I decided to put wear something other than my flip flops or my danskos.  I have cute little metallic wedges that went perfect with the outfit.  They have a buckle strap that goes around the heal.  I like to buckle and unbuckle because I don't like to stretch the strap.  (If it stretches and falls off, then I can't wear them).

I couldn't bend forward to reach the strap.  I also couldn't pretzel myself to reach it sideways.  *sigh*  Thank heavens Gene was willing to help, and he didn't laugh.

Papaya- Part 2

How far along: Twenty three weeks!

How big is baby:  Hopefully over a pound by now. Its hard to know between appointments.

Total weight gain: 12 pounds.  Up one more this week.

Maternity clothes: Still waiting on my old navy order to come.  I can't wait to try on my new jeans.  I know its not really jeans weather.  But, I like to wear them when we go out because I get so cold in the air conditioning.  I hate having to wear my work pants right now when we go out.  It says it should arrive by Thursday!

Sleep: Still some interrupted insomnia moments.  I slept until 10 on Saturday and that was heaven!  I know those days are short numbered.

Best moment this week: Registering.  I loved picking out everything for Abby.  It was so much fun.  A little stressful, but I had some great advice from friends, so when it came time to choose things, I had some ideas of what other moms liked and didn't.

Gender: Girl!

Craving: This week is seems to be birthday cake.  Maybe because JJ's birthday is this week.  I love cake!

Movement: She's still active.  Friday I was able to poke and she would kick back.  It was just that one time, but I hope this is a start to her interacting with us.  I've been trying real hard to get Gene to feel her moving.

Labor Signs: None, nada!

Belly Button in or out:  About the same.  I've started to take a front, bare naked, belly shot so I can document if it ever becomes and outie!

Stretch marks: None yet, knock on wood.

What I miss: There isn't much I'm missing right now.  I guess this is the bliss they talk about!  I'm very content being pregnant.  I'm excited to get the nursery going.  I don't want to rush things, but its fun to see things coming together.

What I am looking forward to: I think at this point getting the nursery ready.  We picked out, but haven't purchased, furniture yet.  We are set on a paint color.  We started clearing out the room this past weekend and hope to have it all clear by this weekend.  I know it will take time, but its fun to have a project to do!

Milestones: Registering was a big milestone.  There was so much to think about.  It's hard to imagine that something so small will need so much.  And how quickly she will outgrown it all. 

Here is a photo from yesterday.  Its really more like 23 weeks since I take them Sunday and my rollover day is Monday. I posted a series on facebook to show the development.  I can't believe at 4 weeks I thought I was fat!

Scars

Its been one year since my Lap.  One year since they discovered I have endometriosis.  We thought that was the "ah-ha" moment.  It made perfect sense on what would have made IVF #1 fail. 

Dr. Miller was pretty impressed at the amount I had, given I had no symptoms.  It was hard to know if I had symptoms though.  How can I know if my cramps are worse then normal, of my flow is worse than normal if I don't know what everyone else experiences?  I did have a family history of it, so I was expecting to find some.  Luckily he thought he got it all and we were back on track.

But then FET #1 failed and IVF #2 failed.  The lap scars were starting to fade away but the emotional scars of failure after failure were building up. 

When we found out we were pregnant.  He called himself to congratulate us.  I thought that was the nicest gesture.  When we met with him the next week to go over the next steps, he was so proud.  We're not sure what created our miracle.  He thinks it all has to do with clearing out the endo.  But, I don't completely buy that.  We had two major failures after that.  Its possible it was a combination of things.  I'm sure it was a combination of things.  I don't want to think about how perfectly the stars needed to align to make this happen. I know we couldn't have done it without his help.

I'm loving this feeling.  I'm enjoying watching my belly grow, even the Lap scars.  Its a reminder of the journey and the road that brought me here.  My belly probably won't have any skin left on it in a few weeks because I can't stop rubbing it.  It's an amazing feeling, one that I can't believe I almost gave up hope on.

What's in a name

Picking a name is one if the hardest things I have ever done.  I would have thought it was easy.  Its just a name.  But that's it, its just a name!  Its your identity for the rest of your life.  Its something that you can't really change (I know technically you can, but most people do not).

The pressure not to make the wrong choice.  What if when she is old she hates it, or what if she gets teased, or what if a million other things.

I know we still have plenty of time before it becomes official.  But I decided it was time to give the baby its identity.  Of course I love the cuteness of people calling her Olive, but I could NOT see her living her whole life as Olive. I wanted her to start to feel connected to it and people to start calling her by it.

Gene and I had discussed some names from the beginning.  The girls name actually came easiest to us, at least the first name.  Back when we were undergoing our first IVF and we were in the bliss of excitement that we could be pregnant, Gene mentioned to me that if he ever had a girl, he wanted to name her Abby.  I thought that was great because Abby had always been on my list and we have never talked about potential child names before.  I thought that was a great connection and I stored it away in my memory bank. 

So, in our discussions I brought Abby up and it was something we both liked.  Gene wanted it to be just Abby, but I wanted it to be more official with Abigail.  Here's where we offer different perspectives.  Growing up I never had a nickname to my name.  I'm just Lisa.  It seemed like all my friends, and family, had full names that got shortened to something else.  I loved that, I wanted that.  Gene on the other hand, was the opposite.  He has a full name, Eugene.  He said it was, and still is, a drag to correct people to call you what you want to be called. 

But, I asked him about his decisions for JJ.  His first name is technically Joe.  Everyone calls him Joejee. (I use JJ for Internet short hand). Jee was his given name from Korea, and its one of his middle names.  Although not his first middle name.  So, technically, he has to correct people to call him what he likes to be called.  (But, he is now fine with people calling him Joe). 

Its complicated and we haven't even chosen a middle name yet! I can still be persuaded to just call her Abby.  I know Abigail is popular right now.  Even though we don't know any.  Its not done till she's born and things are on paper.

We tossed around several middle names.  But I did some research on them and I thought one was particularly fitting.  Gene has been presenting me with tree names options.  Like Maple, Cherry, White oak.  Just odd ball things that I knew he wasn't serious about, but he does like wood, and trees, and nature.  The one name we had talked about has the meaning of Olive Tree.  I thought that was great because not only did include his desire for trees, it included the nickname her brother has given her.  It made the choice that much easier, Olivia it was.

So there you have it.  The workings of choosing a name.  Abigail Olivia Jameson.  I hope she likes it. 

Papaya!

How far along: Twenty two weeks!

How big is baby:  between 14 oz and a pound

Total weight gain: 11 pounds.  Up one from last week

Maternity clothes: Finally bought a few more shirts this weekend.  Plus ordered a pair of jeans and some capris online this morning.  I have to get a short length pair because my legs aren't that long.  I tried on the regulars in the store and I needed 4 inch heels to wear them.  No thank you!  I might finally feel like I have a good enough collection to get me through it.

Sleep: The dreams are still crazy!  I've had the most bizarre ones lately.  One involved being naked and one involved a 4 month old that could walk and talk in full coherent sentences!

Best moment this week: Revealing baby's name to our families!  Abigail Olivia it is.  We will call her Abby or maybe still Olive.

Gender: Girl!

Craving: Still ice cream, and water.  When we go out to eat, they can't keep my glass full!

Movement: It comes and goes.  She was quiet this weekend.  I do start to panic, but as long as I've felt something, even just a little one, I remind myself that its ok.

Labor Signs: No, thank you!

Belly Button in or out: Still in, but my chicken pox scar not far from my belly button has stretched out!

Stretch marks: None yet, knock on wood.

What I miss: Right now I'm missing a summer vacation.  I've opted not to take one and save my time for maternity leave.  Its hard to be here all summer.  I just keep reminding myself of the cozy winter days me and Abby will get to spend together.

What I am looking forward to: Still looking forward to registering.  And now, my jeans coming.

Milestones: I think giving her a name has been a big milestone.  Its one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I feel so much pressure to make it something she can live with the rest of her live.  I think we made a good choice.  Its classic.  It flows nicely.  I opted out of the unique spellings.  It's just simple elegance.

And finally, I picture of sweet Abigail Olivia!

Is this foreshadowing

Baby girl is still being stubborn.  She doesn't want to move on command yet.  Which concerns me.  If I haven't felt movement in a while, like what I'm experiencing right now, I poke around and see if she will move.  Last night and today she's being stubborn.  I can feel some soft kicks every now and then, but nothing in response to my poking.

I don't blame her.  I don't want to be poked either.  But I like constant reassurance.  I would also like Gene to start feeling kicks.  Sometimes if I hold my hands on my belly for a while, eventually she will kick.  I tried to get Gene to feel that last night, but she wouldn't move.  I guess she was in a food coma. 

I have to remind myself that everything looked good on Tuesday.  I watched as the tech marked normal for all her anatomy.  The heartbeat was good, 148bpm.  I was also able to see that my placenta is now slightly anterior and down on the right.  Which might be why I only feel movement over on the left.

I'll be 22 weeks on Monday.  2 weeks till V (viability) day.  Really just one since I have access to a level one neonatal ICU.  Some say 23 weeks can be viable.  I work with children who have made early entries.  I know they can survive.  I don't think I'm concerned as much about pre term labor as and I am still birth. 

I'm now counting down till the next appointment again.  August 7.  Just over three weeks away.

The green monster

I've never been a jealous person.  At least not outwardly.  I've had my struggles recently with accepting pregnant people and being happy for them.  I thought once I was pregnant, that it would get better.

But it hasn't.

I've found out recently that two other women are pregnant and due several weeks after me. I don't really know these women, but in a small town, circles overlap, so everyone knows everyone.

I guess it seemed like no one was pregnant for so long and then once I become pregnant, so is everyone else.  Maybe its just a heightened sense of awareness.  Maybe not.  I'm glad to know that Olive will have other kids her age that come from families we know. 

But I just feel bummed that all the pregnancy talk isn't just about me.  That's really selfish.  I hate that. 

Eeep!

We have a name! 

I've never felt such a burden in all my life.  This is the child's identity!  What if I choose wrong? I don't really care what others think of it, I just want baby girl to be proud of it.  She will live with it forever!

We are going to share it with our parents this weekend and then let the world know.  I don't think I can keep it a secret, plus it gives people a chance to call her by her given name.  Although we both feel that "Olive" is going to stay around for a while.

We are going to tell JJ and then let him share the news.  We want him to be as much a part of this a he can.  I think he will like the choice and be glad to share it.

OMG, it feels so real now.  I'm having a baby.  A real baby!

That smell

I associate things with certain smells.  Smells bring back memories.  Perfumes, deodorants, cleaners. 

I'm fortunate enough that I can walk over to my OB's office. Its a floor below the RE's office actually.  So, just a short walk through the halls gets me there in under 5 minutes. 

There is one point where the hospital changes into the medical office building and at that point the smell changes.  Its a smell I will always associate with this journey.  It has that medicinal smell, but not overwhelming.  Its nothing spectacular, but I have always been able to tell a difference once I get to that hallway. 

Lately I have to remind myself that the smell is bringing comforting feelings.  The number of times I anxiously walked over there not knowing what I was going to hear.  I'm still anxious, but it a totally different way. 

After my appointment yesterday I went upstairs to visit the IVF nurse.  I didn't want to make a big scene.  I know pregnant ladies in the office always felt like a dagger to me.  But Megan did so much for me and was so excited, I wanted to show her the newest photos of Olive and share the news.  She was happy to see me and see my progress.  Its just comforting to know that I received quality care and that I was really felt for. 

As I walked back to work, gleaming at the beautiful photos of my daughter I didn't get wrapped up in the smell.  I passed through with ease.  I guess every time will get a little easier.

A Banana

I found this on another blog I follow and thought it would be fun to do a weekly check up on my progress.  I'm starting a little late, but its better late than never.  I think this blog has been a great documentary so far of this journey, this just compiles it all into one place for each week.

How far along: twenty one weeks one day

How big is baby:  14 oz

Total weight gain: 10 pounds!  I'm up 5 pounds from 16 week appointment.  A pound a week I guess!

Maternity clothes: Yes, but not nearly enough.  I hate being limited to wearing the same things over and over.  I finally just pushed all my old clothes aside in the closet so I can only chose from my tiny selection.

Sleep: Ok.  Falling asleep early.  Making 2-3 pee breaks a night.  Some nights its hard to fall asleep again. I really feel it by Fridays.  Friday afternoon I usually take a nap when I get home.

Best moment this week: JJ asking how plump I will get takes it this time!

Gender: Girl!

Craving: Ice cream, fruit, and  water.

Movement: She's either a dancer or another soccer star.  Usually early mornings and later in the evening she is active.  I can start to poke and she will respond.  It just takes a little while to get her going.

Labor Signs: I'm not sure I would know, so I'm gonna say none right now.

Belly Button in or out: in, I think it will be in for a while. I've always been fascinated about how far in my belly button is.  I can finally see my scar from my Lap last year in there, so I know its thinning, but I don't know if it will totally pop out.

Stretch marks: None yet, knock on wood.

What I miss: sadly, beer. Its summer, can you blame me?

What I am looking forward to: Registering!

Milestones: Just over the hump now.  On the downward side.  Hoping its all smooth sailing from here!

The F word

I overheard this conversation this weekend:

JJ: How plump will Lisa get?
Gene:  giggling... pretty big, just you wait

Gene also continued to laugh at the word "plump".  JJ said he didn't know what other word to use.  I asked him if he was trying not to use the F word.  He said yes.  What a sweet boy, trying not to call me FAT!  Which Gene thinks is funny to do all the time.  (I really know he is joking and I've started to joke along.)

I'm getting bigger and bigger.  Or plumper and plumper I guess.  I told Gene the other day that I don't feel as cute as I thought I would.  He told me I had to work to be cute.  Thanks honey, just what I needed to hear.  I'm not large by any means.  I think for any woman its hard to see you body change like this.  I would say there is a little more on my hips than I expected, but I'm not round.

The one thing that has gotten me this entire pregnancy is my lack of energy.  I will say it has somewhat improved in the past week or two, but its not totally back.  Also, the oppressive heat may have a hindrance on any activity.  Its hard to do anything outside because its so damn hot and humid.  Not even the lake or pool is comforting.  Sure, I could go walk around the mall or something, but that just leads to spending money.  I'd rather be plump than broke.

Tomorrow is the big day.  The anatomy scan.  I'm very eager.  I've had some cramping over the weekend.  I'm looking forward to talking to a doctor and verifying that all is well with Olive.  Cramping always has me concerned, but I know its normal.  I've had it off and on the entire time.  I should take it as a sign that she's growing big and strong.

Confused

With a holiday in the the middle of the week, I'm so confused.  Today does not feel like a Thursday.  What makes it more challenging, is I use weekends as my marker to when my weeks change and how long I have till the next appointments.

Which makes this week even more confusing because I have an appointment Tuesday.  And today feels like Monday, but its Thursday.  And I'm still on 20 weeks, not 21. 

Its just too much for my hormonal brain to handle.

Luke...

It should be rather, Olive.... I am your father.  That's the nightly game Gene plays with Olive.  He sticks his face into my belly and talks to Olive.  Usually starting off with the classic line, Olive, I am your father.  Its pretty cute, and funny.

Then he tickles my tummy with his tongue and I can't help but bust out laughing.  Poor Woody always wants to rescue me.  The scruffy beard also tickles, but its the raspberry blowing (or zerberts if you're a Cosby kid like me), really get me going.

He listened to my belly for a long time last night.  Trying to feel kicks.  She's stubborn right now, and won't respond.  I hear that's normal.  I'm sure they aren't quite aware yet where that poking and jabbing is coming from.  I can jiggle my belly and in 10-15 minutes I might feel a kick. 

I'm loving this experience.  Just one more week till our anatomy scan and we get to see her again.  I think we are coming to a consensus on a name.  I heard Gene call her my first choice last night.  I tried not to act shocked or gloat, but it was good to hear her called something more prominent than Olive.  Or Gesa, or Peanut, or Precious Miracle, or Princess. 

Half Baked

Today is the half way mark.  It seems odd to be half way into it already.  I guess the first 5 weeks I didn't really know, so It really hasn't felt like 20 weeks. 

I guess now I understand why they say the second trimester is the best.  I've had a lot of moments lately were I don't feel pregnant.  No pains, no aches, just a big ole gut. 

Movements are starting to be more consistant, but they still aren't all the time.  The weekends I think are the worst because I have the time to think about it, all the time, so if I haven't felt anything in a while I start to freak out.  Just a little kick every now and then is all I need to get me through.

My energy is still a little low, but I think I'm just use to it now.  I might not be as exhausted as I was a few weeks ago, but I'm still dragging.  I think it has to do with getting up 2-3 times a night to pee.  Maybe I should invest in adult diapers.  But then again, I wouldn't be able to sleep in the wetness.  Ewww...

20 down, 20 more to go.