I am slowly going crazy

This is hard.  Really hard.  I'm totally over thinking and panicking about everything!  Like cramping, had some the other day.  Then I remember last time, with the FET, I had the same thing, but you know what, as soon as I tested and it was negative, all the cramping went away.  So I convinced myself it was phantom pains, and indeed they went away. 

But now, they are back.  But only after I go to the bathroom and my tender ute has been pulverized by my bladder or maybe even my bowels (but those don't seem to want to do anything lately). And, get this, if my bowels do work, I'm noticing some of that nasty crinone has a slight brownish tint to it, but not all of it, but some.  Like spotting.  So, is this from the cramping, is this from implantation.  Oh hell, there I go again.

I've been giving myself hourly boob checks.  But, I'm convinced my itty bitty titties are never going to hurt. My nips were killing me the other day, but that has gone down.  But they did that the last time too.  I think that's them just getting use to the progesterone. Its nothing I tell myself.

I'm tired.  I've fallen asleep three nights in a room now on the couch. I could do that at any time in my life, but the other night I was completely out and it didn't take long for me to get there.

We learned the other day that we have one little snow baby.  Just one again made it to freeze.  Its disheartening to know that only one made it all the way.  They said that its perfect, but I want to see the reports myself.  I'm just hoping that the two little ones we put back were strong like that and would have made it all the way too. 

I just really want this to work.  Gene is at the breaking point, and I'm not far behind. Its so emotional. 

We've got so many people praying for us.  For me, that just adds to the emotion.  In the beginning, we hardly told anyone.  I didn't know how to bring it up.  We hesitated telling our parents until we knew we had to.  I knew doing IVF wasn't the cure all, and its very hard to convince people that its not a definite.  I'm so fortunate to have so many people thinking of us.  Sending me messages through out the day, letting me know they are thinking of me.  I know when this ride comes to an end and whatever the ending, they will all be right there to comfort me.  I hate pity and I hate people feeling sorry for me, so its really hard to except condolences.  But over the months, I've learned its not pity they are providing.  Its hope, its praise, that things will work out.