At 10:41 the message came in. I saw the phone buzzing, but I let it go. Tears came to my eyes. I texted Gene that the message was there. He texted back that he wanted to listen to it, could he call in. I agreed. I was already a mess, why prolong it.
I watched him call in, and then I got the text to call him. He told me it was negative. I've never felt like such a failure before. I sat speechless at my desk. Tears streaming down my face. I knew I would fall apart, and I did. He quietly listened to me cry.
I guess the ride isn't over. I'm not sure why we have to keep going. I use to love amusement park rides. We go for our followup consultation on the 9th. I guess its time to start collecting questions and hoping for answers.
I know the next step is to use our frostie. As part of the shared risk program, you have to or you forfeit that step. I have a lot of questions about that little frostie. We've been at this step before. I'm hoping for a better outcome, but I would like some straight answers upfront. I feel like we are in the right place, we are just battling a complicated problem.
Gene's at home, waiting for me. He told me when I get there we can hug it out. I know he's worn down. I know its just as hard on him as it is for me. I know he feels helpless and guilty. He's done an amazing job supporting me through all this and its just as much me, if not more, than him. Neither of us are to blame for this.
I'm slowly spreading the word to friends and family. Its the hardest step. Its hard to hear "I'm sorry" time and time again. I know people are compassionate and I'm truly grateful for the thoughts. I hate being a failure and admitting failure. Having to tell people it didn't work out puts me in a place I don't like to be. Its partly the reason I hesitate to tell people. I would much rather share happy news than sad.
Its time to unbuckle and go to the end of the line. The waiting begins again.
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