Its still there. The elephant. I knew it would never totally go away, and its been gone for a while. But last night it decided to join me in the recliner.
Its been 4 weeks since we saw/heard Olive. Friday is our next appointment. I'm terrified that something had gone wrong. I haven't gone 4 weeks without monitoring yet. Its felt like the longest amount of time EVER!
I still feel pregnant. I'm still exhausted. Smells still get to me. Certain foods gross me out or make me want more. My belly is growing. My tailbone feels broken. And, I think I felt some movement yesterday. (I think). So I have no indicators that something has gone wrong. Not even my gut is telling me something is wrong.
I have no idea where this fear is coming from. I think it will always be there. I'm thankful for medicine and it didn't make it worse. I know the next few weeks are going to be hard. Hopefully our anatomy scan will be within the next month, and we can see Olive again. (I suspect we won't tomorrow, just hear the heartbeat). I will be monthly for a while. Once I go to every two weeks, I might be happy. Maybe not.
I was naive to believe that once I got pregnant that the anxiety ridden countdowns to doctors appointments would go away. I guess that's all part of the learning process and the healing from infertility. And maybe just part of being human, and being a parent.
I think its time for another glass of lemonade.
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