I know I have a lot of anxiety issues. I'm thankful in the past few weeks that those have been kept to a minimum but I know at any time that can ramp back up, sometimes worse than ever.
Its not a secret that I turned to medication to help me. I wish I didn't have to, but its made a world of difference. A few years ago, I struggled with other anxiety problems. It escalated to the point where eating and sleeping were being disturbed, so I ask for help. A small pill did so much for helping me cope. I still had the crazy thoughts, but I no longer had the rapid heart rate, increased breathing, and sweaty palms like I did before. With the help of the medication I was able to recognize those signs and calm myself down better. And, after just a year, I was able to come off the medicine.
I was surprised to learn that the same medication was safe for pregnancy. At least up until the third trimester. And then there isn't science to say it is or isn't safe. Many women have had successful pregnancies and healthy babies from it. I jumped at the chance to take the medication again because right away I was seeing myself spiral down like I did before. The last thing I wanted to do was to spend the next 40 weeks in constant worry. Depriving my baby of the things is might need and providing it too much unneeded stress.
Gene has always questioned my eagerness to take the medication. But, we come from different thoughts on medication. He doesn't take anything, hardly ever, unless its almost life or death. Back pain, no. Head cold, no. Not even a band aid! Me, I'm the opposite. I know that medication can improve my quality of life and not make me suffer so bad, I'm gonna do it.
Gene has been encouraging me to stop taking the anxiety pills for some time now. I try not to share my anxiety with him, because I know he just wouldn't understand. Take for example, feeling movement. A few weeks ago, I would begin to panic if I hadn't felt anything in a while. Even though, I know that at that time movement on a regular schedule was rare and everything was probably normal, I still worked myself up to believing the worst. Also, that strange side pain, or back pain, or did my pee smell or burn that time have me questioning. I feel like the medicine keeps me from going in the spiral of what ifs and immersing myself in the land of google. Its hard to explain to anyone who hasn't had these thoughts and feelings on how different you can feel when you are taking the medicine.
I feel like I want to try to stop taking it, but I'm worried that there are new worries around the corner that I'm not ready for. I know once she gets here that it will be another constant battle not to stress over things. I'm scared to death (no pun intended) of SIDS. I'm scared she will be sick and I won't know it. I'm scared I won't know how to play with her, or soothe her. (Can you have PPD before you even have the baby?!?)
I don't want to be crazy. But I don't want to be pressured to give up something that I think helps me. I feel like I'm stuck sometimes. But I know in my gut that taking the medicine is helping, but I also know that if I give it up I will have the support to get me through my worries.
Lemonade anyone?
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