Kayne told me I could

I'm ready to go ape shit.  I really can't describe how I feel.  I want to believe I feel different, but then again I don't want it to be made up in my head.

Here's a little phantom symptoms update:  Cramps, come and go.  Again, the more I think about them, the more they are noticeable.  I've felt some right sided tightness and sharper pains.  I've also experienced several episodes of fire crotch.  (That's just what it sounds like, like my crotch is on fire).  Boobs, my left nipple is someone tender, it reacts more to sensitive touching.  Both boobs are not handling under wires few well.  Post nasal drip:  still there and still annoying.  It also seems to get worse as the day goes on.  Bladder: peeing a lot, but I also can hold it for a while, so its hard to tell if I'm peeing more often.  Fatigue:  ehh... about the same as always.  I'm tired during the day, like right now I could lay down and its only 4:00.  I did fall asleep on the couch last night shortly after nine.

Its all in my head right.

I'm refusing to pee on a stick this time around.  I just don't think I can handle the heartbreak.  I don't think I could pull myself together to go to work.  So, I'm going to have my blood work done first thing, and then I'm letting the message go to voicemail.  Then, when I get home, I can listen to it and respond accordingly. 

I haven't had any major breakdowns so far.  I've come close.  Its so hard to describe how you feel and analyze if you feel any different than you did before.  The first cycle was 7 months ago.  A lot has changed with my body since then.  With the frozen cycle, I had high hopes that it worked, even peed early just knowing it was from all the symptoms I was having.  I'm so analytical, I'm so cut and dry that its very hard being in this gray area.  Certainly knowing that its possibly too soon to have any symptoms. 

So, as I said, I'm ready to go ape shit.  That, that, that, that don't kill me, can only make me stronger....

I am slowly going crazy

This is hard.  Really hard.  I'm totally over thinking and panicking about everything!  Like cramping, had some the other day.  Then I remember last time, with the FET, I had the same thing, but you know what, as soon as I tested and it was negative, all the cramping went away.  So I convinced myself it was phantom pains, and indeed they went away. 

But now, they are back.  But only after I go to the bathroom and my tender ute has been pulverized by my bladder or maybe even my bowels (but those don't seem to want to do anything lately). And, get this, if my bowels do work, I'm noticing some of that nasty crinone has a slight brownish tint to it, but not all of it, but some.  Like spotting.  So, is this from the cramping, is this from implantation.  Oh hell, there I go again.

I've been giving myself hourly boob checks.  But, I'm convinced my itty bitty titties are never going to hurt. My nips were killing me the other day, but that has gone down.  But they did that the last time too.  I think that's them just getting use to the progesterone. Its nothing I tell myself.

I'm tired.  I've fallen asleep three nights in a room now on the couch. I could do that at any time in my life, but the other night I was completely out and it didn't take long for me to get there.

We learned the other day that we have one little snow baby.  Just one again made it to freeze.  Its disheartening to know that only one made it all the way.  They said that its perfect, but I want to see the reports myself.  I'm just hoping that the two little ones we put back were strong like that and would have made it all the way too. 

I just really want this to work.  Gene is at the breaking point, and I'm not far behind. Its so emotional. 

We've got so many people praying for us.  For me, that just adds to the emotion.  In the beginning, we hardly told anyone.  I didn't know how to bring it up.  We hesitated telling our parents until we knew we had to.  I knew doing IVF wasn't the cure all, and its very hard to convince people that its not a definite.  I'm so fortunate to have so many people thinking of us.  Sending me messages through out the day, letting me know they are thinking of me.  I know when this ride comes to an end and whatever the ending, they will all be right there to comfort me.  I hate pity and I hate people feeling sorry for me, so its really hard to except condolences.  But over the months, I've learned its not pity they are providing.  Its hope, its praise, that things will work out.
 

Are you there God, its me Lisa

I hope your listening.  I would really like this to work out.  I really hope this is your plan.  I'm tired of being so strong.  It hurts. 

The waiting game has begun and I'm not very patient.  I'm trying not to over analyze every little thing.  (like those cramps the other night, or the fullness that I feel in my ute).  It feels like someone did a dance on my ovaries. I'm exhausted, but that might be from having to get up several times in the night to pee.  And not just a little, I'm talking gotta go now or its a disaster.  (Thank you Medrol!)

I feel like a weeble.  I should wear a tent, it would hide me well.  It would need to be a tent with windows because these hot flashes will need some sort of ventilation. 

I know its the anxiety.  At this point in the game, there is nothing I can do.  We just have to hope for the best.  That little Gesa and Line are snuggling in and making a home for themselves.  I wish there was a clearer picture at this point. I wish you could already tell if it worked or not, impatient much.  I've got a lot to keep my mind occupied this week, but it just seems that I can't let it go.

I'm still waiting to hear if any of the remaining embryos made it to freeze.  That might help relieve some of the anxiety.  Knowing that they could have survived this far, maybe the two with me did.  I think knowing if their are frosties will also let us know what our next steps are.  I hate to be cynical, but after all this, you learn to hope for the best but prepare for the worst.  Its just one of those things in life you can't explain to people, it just comes with the experience.

PUPO

For those that don't know what that means, that is pregnant until proven otherwise. That's what I am right now. I've got two little embies trying to snuggle in and make themselves at home. We transfers two 8 cell grade 2 embies. They looked beautiful. The doc said they were great. Of the other 9 we have, two already arrested, several are also 8 cell grade 2 and some are grade 4. Grade 1 is best 5 is worst. So we just have to wait and see how those turn out. It's been a dance around here trying to keep out secret from JJ. From last weekends check ups to today's transfer it's been hard trying to cover up our tracks. Especially with such an intuitive child. He's been happy with the excuses that I had to go into work early or "spontaneous" sleep overs at the grandparents. This morning was the hardest because both of us leaving before he had to be a school was of of the norm. He noticed me packing up the ipad and macbook and asked why i was taking them to work with me I hate telling lies. I'm not good at it. Hopefully he will understand someday. I'm sitting at home right now. Legs up in the recliner. I'm tortouring myself by watching 16 and pregnant. I just don't understand how teenages can be so naive. If I had a baby at 16, they would be, 16 now. It's not fair that a 32 year ld woman has to go to extreme measures. But hey that's life. All you can do is make lemonade right?

I 'heart' my dog

My dog knows me.  Its unreal how well he can sense I'm scared, or angry, or playful.  The past few weeks have been a wild ride, and I know its not over, but Woody always seems to be there when I need him. 

 

At night, when I get tucked in, he jumps on the bed and snuggles with me.  I'm trying to train him to wait till I'm fully in, but some nights he just can't help himself.  He jumps up and burrows his way up to my face.  He rests his head in my arm and I softly pet him.  He'll look back at me, lick my face, and then snuggle right back in.  This process doesn't last long.  I blame that on having a high energy dog. Its usually just 10 minutes or so and then he jumps down or moves over to Gene and sticks his face in his while he's reading.  (Its quite cute!)

I feel during those few minutes that he gets me.  That he's absorbing my pain.  He's so sweet and affectionate. I love when I get home and he runs to me and jumps all around like its the best part of his day.  Or like when we go away and leave him at the sitters.  He just about runs me over, well he did run me over once, and licked my face with excitement.  Then he slept beside my side of the bed that night. 

I imagine this is how being a mother feels.  I hope I don't have to imagine much longer.

Playing the numbers game

So here we sit, playing the odds. Again.  Yesterday they retrieved 23 eggs.  I'm very pleased with that number.  I certainly could feel all 23 of them pressing against my bladder.  Today we got the fertilzation report.  Of the 23, only 18 were mature.  That's ok, I expected some to not be mature, there sure were a lot in there, and several that measured small on Sunday. 

Well, of those 18, only 11 fertilized.  So again, we had a large attrition rate.  I know 11 is awesome, but last time I thought 8 was awesome!  I'm just hoping that those 11 are good quality eggs.  I really hope the metformin had time to do something.  We go back Friday morning for our three day transfer.  I have hope that there will be two rockstars to transfer.  Afterall, we had two last time, but its believed to be the endometriosis that prohibited implantation.  So, if thats the thinking, than if we have a rockstar or two this time, then we should be golden!

I'm clinging to shreads of hope.  I'm not a gambler.

What What

In the Butt... You got it, I got to trigger last night.  The last shot is always the big one in the bum.  Thankfully I sit on an ice pack for a while and its not so bad.  It pinches a little when it goes in, but it really doesn't hurt that bad.  It doesn't burn like the fsh drugs do.  Maybe because its going into the muscle.  It doesn't hurt then, but my bum sure has hell hurts today.

But all of me hurts.  I can't sit upright, or bend over.  Righty is brewing up a storm of little eggs, yesterday we were over a bakers dozen on that side and more were still coming.  Lefty is holding its own, but its carrying the leaders (one 20mm, and one 19mm) so its doing a lot itself.

Tomorrow is the big day.  Well, the first big day of the week.  I get to take my nice little cat nap.  Which will be nice because I didn't sleep well last night, (I can't lay on my right side, and now on my back). I know I will probably be up 10 times tonight checking the clock so I don't oversleep. 

I'm not sure I will eat anything between now and then.  I'm still nauseous and getting worse by the minute.  I don't know if its the HCG or the nerves, or probably both.  I'm starving, but food just doesn't sound appetizing.  I've also got some post nasal drip that might be contributing to all this too. 

We're at the point of the ride were you've settled in.  The initial fear has worn off and your having fun.  We've been through some up and downs, and we know more are to come, but we are enjoying the wind in our hair at this point.

In three weeks time we will know if we get to depart and go to another ride, or stand in line for this one again.  I'm really ready to move to another line.