Money doesn't cry over you

You cry over money because it's not going to cry over you.  Right?!?!  Yeah right!

We went to the accountant last night to start on our taxes.  I know that owning your own business, you're really not going to end up with a refund, I was just hoping that the $30,000 (yes, that's right) we've spent this year in medical expenses could offset the cost.

Boy was I wrong.  It made a small nick in the grand scheme of things.  Once we got home I hid in the bathroom and cried.  The money tree isn't blooming anymore and it just feels like we are hemorrhaging money and have nothing to show for it.  Cue more tears because now I feel like a big failure.

The house is in need of finishing, vacations want to be taken, life needs to happen and we've felt that this past year has been contingent on one thing.  And that one thing, still has no end.  Its still out there in the abyss of the unknown.  We aren't giving up, but its damned sure hard to keep going. 

I contacted the woman in charge of the research study.  She explained to me that I might not be a candidate for the study.  Ok, that's fine with me.  But then she goes on to tell me that I can still have the biopsy done, but I will probably have to pay for it.  Cue I don't want to cry over the phone to a stranger, but I really, really, want to- tears.  Really?!?!  She said insurance might cover something, but usually not all of it.  Fantastic!

We talked some more and came to a resolution that I no longer have irregular cycles.  Although I don't think I ever did anyway.  But I had a hard time figuring out what was regular when I've had very little menstrual cycles in the past year that weren't medicated, straight off medication, or straight after having the va-jayjay scoped. 

It was an agonizing 30 minutes.  Counting, figuring, guessing.  In the end, she thought she could include me but wanted to run it buy the doctor in charge.  So, I'm waiting for her to call me back.

She did explain the protocol to me and how things would work.  I already knew it would be a like a frozen cycle, but no transfer.  She gave me an estimate of how many days things would be.  A definitive timeline depends on when my next menstrual cycle comes.  On the drive home I started to do some calculations, and hence panicked.  Our California trip might fall right at the time they would need to do the biopsy.  I really hope it doesn't come down to this.  I would hate to push it back, but I would hate to miss out on California. 

I hate that its a constant battle of decisions.  It seems like weeks go by and everything is fine, and then all of a sudden things happen all at the same time.  Its overwhelming. The elephant gained a few hundred pounds yesterday and still has residence on my chest. I'm not sure he's every going to go away.  Not unless we win the lottery.

 

Words that describe ME

My pinterest addiction is quotes.  I love quotes.  They inspire me.  I guess I like words.  I like words that form feelings.  Lately my pinterest board has been flooded with quotes.  I feel like this stage in my life has a lot to say.

My favorite:
"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but its harder to give up when you know it's everything you want."- Author Unknown


The other I day I found these gems:

"Sometimes you have to do what you don't like to get to where you want to be"- Tori Amos

"What defines us is how well we rise after falling"- Unknown.


I noticed I had this one pinned twice:
"I'm a strong girl who keep her stuff in line.  When when I have tears going down on my face, I always manage to say those two words; I'm fine"- fransesgadyelltumblr

I've always hidden my pain.  Maybe that's why people think I handle it so well.  I'm not a sharer.  Even if I know you really well, chances are I'm not really going to tell you when somethings wrong. Maybe I'm too independent, maybe its just pure stubbornness. I don't know why I hold it in. 

We are stuck in the holding pattern again, and I really don't like it.  I feel like I'm more on edge at this point than at any other time.  I've been really snappy lately.  I've been quick to bite and most of the time completely insensitive. I feel like an ass. I'm trying to take long deep breaths and look beyond myself.  Its hard to do with the giant elephant still sitting on your chest. 

One of my original pins:
"If it wasn't for the pain I felt yesterday, I would not be the person I am today"- Unknown



(I'm at work right now and pinterest is blocked, but I hope to get back later at home and post full links.

The perfect storm

That's what we are.  I prefer to call us the Trifecta of Awesomeness, but Perfect Storm is ok to. 

I didn't want to go today.  Just like last week.  I wanted to dig my heels into the ground and do a full on tantrum.  I could feel the office pulling me in, and my body resisting. Hysterically crying on the inside to not make me do it.  But, I'm an adult.  I have to do these things. Or at least I think I do.  So, I took my elephant with me and we went inside.

The snowball is rolling again.  This time they want to do an endometrial biopsy. Sounds fun.  They think there could be some sort of receptor in the endometrial lining that's prohibiting implantation.  Given I have endo, there is a good chance they are there.  If so, I get 2-3 months of Depo-Lupron shots!  Yeah!  I remember my mom getting those, and they don't seem like fun.

If I'm normal (HA!) then we can proceed with the frozen embie.  Which is perfect!  Although its sibling was perfect at this point as well.  Apparently when it was unthawed, the zona (shell) around the embryo cracked.  This is also, apparently, rare.  There is no cause or prevention, it just happens sometimes.  This severely damaged the embie and downgraded it to a 4.  Which 4's can implant and grow, but obviously ours didn't.

They are all baffled that I'm such a good responder, but things just aren't working.  I feel they doing all they can.  Its very, very, frustrating that it keeps unravelling into one problem after another. I wish it was simple, I wish it was fixable, but that wouldn't make the perfect storm, would it?!?

Its still there

The giant elephant, its still there.  Every now and then it burrows its bum further into my chest, taking my breath away.  He usually settles in during those moments when my mind is unoccupied and I let it wander.  My eyes well up and my chest gets heavy.

I'm trying to do as much research as I can before Thursday.  Its hard because so much of it I don't understand and I don't want to sound ignorant.  But I guess by at least asking, you are showing you know something. 

Doing a lot of research is also a scary thing.  I'll admit I'm not feeling optimistic that there is any plan out there that can work for us.  Given the trifecta of awesomeness that we are.  I believe that the medications protocol we've used it the appropriate one.  We maybe can lower dosages and stim a little longer, but I'm not sure that's the issue. 

I'm worried we are just a bad combo together.  Bad eggs, bad sperm, not much you can do without repetitive trying and we are almost at the limit.

I know we aren't at the end of our search for a child.  Adoption is, and always has been, an option.  Its just incredibly hard for me to imagine never carrying a child.  Wearing cute maternity clothes. Feeling the joys of childbirth.  Those were the reasons I wanted to try IVF.  I don't know how, and really if, I can cope with giving these things up. 

Just Keep Swimming

I built my outfit around my socks again today.  Today, it was the nemo socks.  So I have a reminder that I just need to keep swimming. 

Its really hard to do with an elephant on your chest.  I feel pinned down. I feel heavy.  There isn't anything I can do at this point, but keep my chin up and move on.  I'm getting there.  Its just slow.

A friend commented today that I seemed to bounce back so well yesterday.  I don't feel like I did.  I just feel like I hid it well.  I'm good at hiding. I broke down when I got home.  I curled up on the couch next to Gene and just let it out. 

I don't handle death well.  I don't like the idea of never seeing someone again.  Even though the embryos never formed into fetus, I still feel like someone died.  Every time it seems to get harder to handle the mourning. The elephant just keeps getting heavier and heavier.

Aunt Flo decided not to delay her visit and came last night to join in the fun.  At least I truely know its over and not a fluke.  Its one step further to putting it in the past. 

Nemo and I will make it through the day.  We will just keep swimming.

The ride is coming to a stop

At 10:41 the message came in.  I saw the phone buzzing, but I let it go.  Tears came to my eyes.  I texted Gene that the message was there.  He texted back that he wanted to listen to it, could he call in.  I agreed.  I was already a mess, why prolong it. 

I watched him call in, and then I got the text to call him.  He told me it was negative.  I've never felt like such a failure before. I sat speechless at my desk.  Tears streaming down my face. I knew I would fall apart, and I did.  He quietly listened to me cry. 

I guess the ride isn't over.  I'm not sure why we have to keep going.  I use to love amusement park rides. We go for our followup consultation on the 9th.  I guess its time to start collecting questions and hoping for answers.

I know the next step is to use our frostie.  As part of the shared risk program, you have to or you forfeit that step.  I have a lot of questions about that little frostie.  We've been at this step before.  I'm hoping for a better outcome, but I would like some straight answers upfront.  I feel like we are in the right place, we are just battling a complicated problem. 

Gene's at home, waiting for me.  He told me when I get there we can hug it out. I know he's worn down.  I know its just as hard on him as it is for me. I know he feels helpless and guilty.  He's done an amazing job supporting me through all this and its just as much me, if not more, than him.  Neither of us are to blame for this.

I'm slowly spreading the word to friends and family.  Its the hardest step.  Its hard to hear "I'm sorry" time and time again.  I know people are compassionate and I'm truly grateful for the thoughts.  I hate being a failure and admitting  failure. Having to tell people it didn't work out puts me in a place I don't like to be.  Its partly the reason I hesitate to tell people.   I would much rather share happy news than sad.

Its time to unbuckle and go to the end of the line. The waiting begins again.

What's done is done

Why is the end of the ride always the scariest?  You know, they always throw you for a loop right at the end.  I feel like I've been tossed in a spinner.  The blood work is done.  Now we just wait.  And I've chosen to wait till I am in the security of my home.  I'm not sure why.  All I have to do is think about it and I well up.

Its so hard to want something so bad.  Its so hard to just not know one way or the other.  Its hard to not get your hopes up, but still remain hopeful.

I've got my lucky socks on today.  It was hard to plan an outfit around a pair of socks.  I'm probably the only person in the world who built their outfit from the socks up.  I needed some comfort today.  I thought these sock would help.  They are tall, so they come up to me knees.  They feel soft, like a blanket.  Its irrational things like this that I need to keep me from going completely irrational.

Its gonna be a long day.  I hope their is joy in the end.  Gene told me he loves me no matter what.  We've been here before and we can get through it.