I haz it

Pregnancy brain.  I have it... bad!

I never really believed women who said pregnancy made them so forgetful.  But I do now!  I'm normal sharp as a tack.  I remember oodles of details, names, occurrences.  They called me Rain Girl at work for the longest time.

But lately, I've got it bad.  I can't remember the most basic things.  I draw complete blanks on the name of people I should know.  I blank out when I walk into a room.  I'm forgetting details of things at work.

Its crazy!  Of course, I'm loving it, but I just couldn't understand how it could happen. But I really feel like I have no control over it.  I just blank out at times.  Its the weirdest thing!

One week

Two claps for you if you know have Barenaked Ladies stuck in your head.  Thank you, thank you very much!

But, I've got one more week to go till we hopefully see peanut again.  I still have my panic moments, but I really think its settling in and I'm trying not to think of the bad and enjoy the good. 

The biggest thing eating me up right now is not having told JJ yet.  Last Friday we met a college friend at a soccer game.  (Her husband happens to be the coach).  She just had a baby 4 months ago.  He was cute as a button.  I got to hold him, and play with him.  It was incredible to see how JJ reacted to the baby.  He wanted to play with him.  He was tickling him and smiling at him.  He couldn't get enough of him.  He even asked to hold him, but it was dinner and nap time for Baby Kai. 

I know he's going to be so excited.  He's going to be such a great big brother.  He has such a big heart, I know he's going to love and care for this sibling.  And, he loves to plan and prepare for things, so the next few months are going to be so much fun for him.

I'm hoping that after next week, we can tell him.  I'll feel so much better, being close to 10 weeks, that things are going in the right direction. Then that will be the time to tell him. 

If I wasn't medicated right now

I'm sure I would be having a panic attack.  I can't keep the thought out of my head that something can go wrong.  I'm 8 weeks, 1 day.  I've had two beautiful ultrasounds.  I still get crampy, my backs aches, my ute is sore, my nipples are sore, my headaches, I'm still exhausted, and my nose is still sharper than a bloodhound.

But, I haven't been sick.  I get a little funny feeling when I see things moving, or its been a while since I have eaten.  But, I feared I would be puking my guts out left and right, and I haven't.  So, of course, I worry.  Not that I want to be sick, but I'm worried that means something terrible.

Of course, Dr. Google told me its perfectly normal.  Not all women get sick.  My own mother didn't get sick. But Dr. Google told me the absence could also be a sign of miscarriage.  Cue panic attack! I have to remind myself that I have so many other symptoms, that its ok. 

Next Thursday can't come fast enough.  I don't want to rush things, but I really need some reassurance. 

Snooze

I could crawl under my desk right now and take a nice nap.  I fell asleep last night sometime around 9:30. I don't really remember.  I was watching TV in bed. 

My nightly routine goes something like this:  Fall asleep between 9:30 and 10.  Wake up between 12 and 2 to pee.  Wake up again between 3 and 5 to pee again.  After second pee, lay awake for a while, staring at the clock, listening to Gene snore.  Process weird dreams.  Sometime around 5:30, fall asleep.  Alarm goes off at 6:15.  Hit the snooze once, then maybe again. 

If I could break the wide awake time in the wee hours of the morning, I think I would feel ok in the mornings.  I am certainly looking forward to sleeping in some tomorrow.  I have things I need to get up and do, but hopefully I can sleep till at least 8. 

We are going to watch Clemson Men's soccer tonight.  I hope I don't fall asleep at the game.  I could give up my lunch break to take a nap, but I'm already so hungry I don't think I can skip eating!

Over the past few days, I think my anxiety has gotten better.  I'm starting to enjoy the thoughts of being pregnant.  I've been excited to think about the up coming months.  Besides being tired, I'm still crampy, I still have lower back pains, my ute is still sore.  The one big thing is my nose knows everything.  My sinuses have never been so flooded with smell before.  I still haven't gotten sick.  Moving objects, like scrolling on my phone or the ipad, or reading a ticker on the tv, make me feel queasy.  The car also makes me feel a little queasy. But, knock on wood, no throwing up yet. I do notice I get dizzy when I stand up after squatting. Which I do several times a day a work.  I'm trying to remember not to stand up so fast, or just not to squat!

Its just under two weeks till we meet the OB.  I'm eager for it to get here.  I just need that continuing recognition that this is happening.  I think once I hit the 10 week mark, I will feel a lot more secure about things.

I graduated

I was dismissed from the RE today.  I gave Megan, the best nurse in the entire world, a great big hug, and a warm hearted thank you.  I wanted to cry, but I knew I shouldn't. 

I don't like meeting new people, or going to unknown places.  I like familiarity, I love routine.  It will be hard to get to know someone else.  To learn to trust them, and feel comfortable with them.

We got to see the peanut again today.  Its more of a blueberry now.  Its growing right on track and everything looks great.  The heartbeat was wonderful to hear again.  I had some anxiety going in to the appointment, but that made it all the better. 

Now I have to make it 2 more weeks before I might get to see or hear peanut again.  I have no idea what to expect at the next appointment.  I hope I can survive the next few weeks.  I'm not cramping as much anymore, but my ute area is sore.  I know as times goes along, symptoms will come and go. I have to keep reminding myself that I am pregnant, and enjoy it!

In case you are wondering, he's still there

My friend the elephant, that is.  He's no longer sitting in my lap.  He hangs out beside me.  I've got Woody on one side and the elephant on the other.  I feel like he's just waiting for his turn to come back.

Is it wrong to think like that.  I can't help but fee anxious after everything we've been through.  I'm in unchartered territory.  Why can't I just let it all go and enjoy this time?  I am enjoying it, but for all the moments I am happy (or feeling icky), I'm having moments of doubts. 

I've talked with others who have been here.  Its common.  But I just feel so wrong.  I want to be naive.  I want to walk through the baby section of Target and actually stop and look at things and start to plan.  I at least give myself credit for finally walking through the section instead of avoiding it. 

I know its early, and I've got a long way to go, so I don't need to do anything major right away.  I'm 7 weeks today.  We get to see peanut again tomorrow.  Maybe that will put my mind at east.  Although, I know that might be the last ultrasound for a few weeks. 

If I can make it through April, I'll be ok.  I've got a lot to keep me busy, so I have plenty to look forward to. Me and my elephant.

Well hello there recliner

The lazy boy is my new favorite spot.  If I could bring it to work I would.  My energy level is 0%.  I can push through it and get some things done, but all I really want to do it lay down. 

I'm not sleepy, just tired.  It exhausts me to do the smallest tasks.  I can't wait till tomorrow when I can sleep in, or just get up at my own pace.

I'm embracing the fatigue and all my other symptoms.  The cramping is still there, it comes and goes.  Nothing strong, just a reminder that something is going on.  I try not to over analyze it (the Celexa also helps with that). If its not my ute that's aching, its my back, but that's just another reminder that somethings doing what its suppose to be doing.

My appetite is coming back.  Before we left for California, I had a few episodes of panic, and it destroyed my appetite.  I feel like things are coming back, although some textures are setting me off.  I really only feel queasy during the night right now.  I wake up to pee and feel a little icky. 

We get to see the peanut again on Tuesday.  That might be the last time for a while.  We will leave Dr. Miller and head to someone new.  I'm sad because I've gotten use to them and I like them.  The receptionist even knows me by name. I'm trying not to cry even now thinking about it. 

Its a happy point, its what we wanted, but it just all still seems so surreal.