I can imagine for many its hard to understand our modern family. But for me, I know no different. And I entered into this situation on my own free will, knowing all the strings that came attached.
Yes, there are times I don't like it. Like, for instances, after a long day at work and I come home to find the white GMC SUV is still in the driveway, thus signalling that pick up is still in progress. This was particularly hard during those darkest IFV days when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed in cry. Now its hard because all I want to do is take my baby into my arms and snuggle alone with her, but I have to "share" her for the moment.
The modern family sat together at church this weekend. JJ's mom doesn't attend our church (anymore), but JJ's attending a confirmation class before Sunday service and she decided to stay for service afterward. So it was quite the pew full. This isn't the first time we've all done this, and it won't be the last, but it was the first for no special reason. (Not a holiday, or the children doing something special). We share our usual row with the sweetest elderly woman. After church she found me in the nursery to see Abby and she told me that I was a "good woman". She was curious to know what brought about today's visitation. Nothing particular I told her, that's just our life.
I don't think of myself as a good woman. The separation was amicable. There is no hard feelings between them. They have each moved on with their lives. We are connected by one thing. One special thing that doesn't deserve to know anything but happiness. And its my job to make sure he gets nothing but that.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
It might kill me, but it makes her happy
Daycare is gonna kill me. I can already feel it. This sickness needs to go away. And STAY AWAY! (I know that's not going to happen, but I can hope).
Most people were surprised that Abby goes to daycare. As opposed to having a family member watch her at home. But I feel that daycare is a good things for her. For the social her. She seems to really enjoy people and groups. She loves to watch her surroundings (She gets that from both Gene and I). Just last night I carried her in the Moby at the grocery store, hoping she would fall asleep as soon as we started walking around, but she didn't. She stayed alert the whole time, looking around. Smiling at everyone who would talk to her. (And no old lady, she is not huge for a 3 1/2 month old. If you actually saw her out of the wrap, she is rather small!)
I'm glad she has some place to go everyday to interact with other people and things. As her mental development grows, she will learn a lot from having other children to interact with. I think not being the center of attention all day as helped her learn to soothe herself better. And, that may just be a skill learned with age and not surroundings, but I probably do have a tendency to jump on her every whimper.
Of course I would love to be at home with her, but I think this is the best arrangement. Its hard to leave her in the mornings, but she's always so happy to be there. And, at the end of the day, when I show up to pick her up, she has that same big smile on her face when she sees me.
Most people were surprised that Abby goes to daycare. As opposed to having a family member watch her at home. But I feel that daycare is a good things for her. For the social her. She seems to really enjoy people and groups. She loves to watch her surroundings (She gets that from both Gene and I). Just last night I carried her in the Moby at the grocery store, hoping she would fall asleep as soon as we started walking around, but she didn't. She stayed alert the whole time, looking around. Smiling at everyone who would talk to her. (And no old lady, she is not huge for a 3 1/2 month old. If you actually saw her out of the wrap, she is rather small!)
I'm glad she has some place to go everyday to interact with other people and things. As her mental development grows, she will learn a lot from having other children to interact with. I think not being the center of attention all day as helped her learn to soothe herself better. And, that may just be a skill learned with age and not surroundings, but I probably do have a tendency to jump on her every whimper.
Of course I would love to be at home with her, but I think this is the best arrangement. Its hard to leave her in the mornings, but she's always so happy to be there. And, at the end of the day, when I show up to pick her up, she has that same big smile on her face when she sees me.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Argh.... not again
Abby's been at daycare for 1 month. And I'm sick again. This is going to be the death of me. Lord help me.
I'm not sure I fully recovered from the last cold. From what I hear from others, its a nasty one that's going around and it lingers for quite some time. So maybe I'm just getting round two from the first one.
At least this time, the sore throat isn't so bad. But the aches and the fatigue are killing me. But, Abby has decided to start sleeping better. Knock on wood. Please don't let me jinx it. She's started going to bed around 8. She's not falling asleep eating anymore, but she does fall asleep in our arms. But I can place her in the pack and play. She's been sleeping for a solid few hours. 5 hours between feedings. After that, she just wakes up one more time, usually 3-4 hours after that. That works out great because then about 3 hours after that, its time to get up for the day anyway. She is so much more alert in the mornings now.
I'm praying that this new sleep schedule sticks around. I can handle getting up twice a night. the four to five times were starting to get to me. I know we are heading into the 4 month wakeful period, where she can have a lot of sleep regression, but I hope she can push through it and not have a problem with it.
I at least hope it sticks around for the next couple of days while I recuperate. Being a hacking, sniffing zombie is no fun!
I'm not sure I fully recovered from the last cold. From what I hear from others, its a nasty one that's going around and it lingers for quite some time. So maybe I'm just getting round two from the first one.
At least this time, the sore throat isn't so bad. But the aches and the fatigue are killing me. But, Abby has decided to start sleeping better. Knock on wood. Please don't let me jinx it. She's started going to bed around 8. She's not falling asleep eating anymore, but she does fall asleep in our arms. But I can place her in the pack and play. She's been sleeping for a solid few hours. 5 hours between feedings. After that, she just wakes up one more time, usually 3-4 hours after that. That works out great because then about 3 hours after that, its time to get up for the day anyway. She is so much more alert in the mornings now.
I'm praying that this new sleep schedule sticks around. I can handle getting up twice a night. the four to five times were starting to get to me. I know we are heading into the 4 month wakeful period, where she can have a lot of sleep regression, but I hope she can push through it and not have a problem with it.
I at least hope it sticks around for the next couple of days while I recuperate. Being a hacking, sniffing zombie is no fun!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Its not me, its you
Its come to light that part of JJ's problem with the transition with Abby is he's jealous of all the time I spend with her, and not him. And I certainly don't ignore him, or not include him in things, but I can see how to a child, who doesn't understand about caring for a baby, it would seem like he's getting the shaft.
We've picked up on little comments here and there. Like "Lisa doesn't go anywhere without Abby". Of course I don't. She's breastfeed on demand. And I have a very small freezer stash of milk. I'm terrified to leave her because I'm afraid she's going to get hungry and there won't be anything to do about it. It always seems that when I do leave milk for her, she doesn't eat it, or I leave too much, and then I'm trying to figure out when to give it to her before it goes bad, all while trying to not miss a breast session, so I'm trying to coordinate pumping instead. Its just a nasty cycle that I would rather not stress out.
But upon learning that it distress JJ that much, I'm trying to do better and do things, just the two of us.
This weekend he asked me if we could go to the mall. Yes, he ASKED to go shopping! He's hit the tween phase and his appearance is becoming important to him. He wanted to go to Hollister and Aeropostale. He couldn't wait to go Saturday morning. Again, its not so easy to just leave an infant, but I tried not to overplay my stress, and I kept giving JJ a timeline so he would know what was going on.
Our mall is super tiny, but its got enough things in it to keep a person happy. JJ knew exactly where the stores were and where we should park. We headed in to Hollister first and started to look around. We wandered around the racks of mens clothes. Since he never asks to do this and feeling guilty for making him feel upset, there was no budget for this trip. If he wanted it, he could have it. He was hesitant to say what he liked, and what he wanted. But, he warmed up and started picking things out. We discussed colors and styles. He made a few choices and then we checked out. We headed over to Aeropostale to see what they had. This time it was a little easier for him to pick out things. Most of the shirts were buy one get one, so he enjoyed getting to select two styles. Again, we discussed colors. I wanted to make sure he didn't end up with all one color shirts. I could tell what colors he really liked. Once we had an arm full, we checked out and headed to the car.
He was so excited about all his new things, that he wanted to put them on as soon as we got to the car. But first he wanted to make sure it was ok to mix and match stores. I told him I didn't see a problem with that, and if anyone did, it shouldn't matter. He's creating his own style and he should be proud.
He planned out which shirts he would wear for the rest of the weekend. One in particular has become his favorite. Its a hot pink aeropostale shirt. He wore it for a while Saturday and Sunday. He wore it to school this morning, but first he had to spray it with fabreeze. He said it didn't smell, but he wanted it to be fresh.
I can't believe he's getting so grown up. He thanked me many times for our shopping trip. We've done errands together, but we've never shopped together. It was a fun experience for both of us. I'm trying to think of other things just the two of us can do. I know it will get easier with Abby as she gets older.
Its an adjustment for all of us, but hopefully we will all keep happy in the long run.
We've picked up on little comments here and there. Like "Lisa doesn't go anywhere without Abby". Of course I don't. She's breastfeed on demand. And I have a very small freezer stash of milk. I'm terrified to leave her because I'm afraid she's going to get hungry and there won't be anything to do about it. It always seems that when I do leave milk for her, she doesn't eat it, or I leave too much, and then I'm trying to figure out when to give it to her before it goes bad, all while trying to not miss a breast session, so I'm trying to coordinate pumping instead. Its just a nasty cycle that I would rather not stress out.
But upon learning that it distress JJ that much, I'm trying to do better and do things, just the two of us.
This weekend he asked me if we could go to the mall. Yes, he ASKED to go shopping! He's hit the tween phase and his appearance is becoming important to him. He wanted to go to Hollister and Aeropostale. He couldn't wait to go Saturday morning. Again, its not so easy to just leave an infant, but I tried not to overplay my stress, and I kept giving JJ a timeline so he would know what was going on.
Our mall is super tiny, but its got enough things in it to keep a person happy. JJ knew exactly where the stores were and where we should park. We headed in to Hollister first and started to look around. We wandered around the racks of mens clothes. Since he never asks to do this and feeling guilty for making him feel upset, there was no budget for this trip. If he wanted it, he could have it. He was hesitant to say what he liked, and what he wanted. But, he warmed up and started picking things out. We discussed colors and styles. He made a few choices and then we checked out. We headed over to Aeropostale to see what they had. This time it was a little easier for him to pick out things. Most of the shirts were buy one get one, so he enjoyed getting to select two styles. Again, we discussed colors. I wanted to make sure he didn't end up with all one color shirts. I could tell what colors he really liked. Once we had an arm full, we checked out and headed to the car.
He was so excited about all his new things, that he wanted to put them on as soon as we got to the car. But first he wanted to make sure it was ok to mix and match stores. I told him I didn't see a problem with that, and if anyone did, it shouldn't matter. He's creating his own style and he should be proud.
He planned out which shirts he would wear for the rest of the weekend. One in particular has become his favorite. Its a hot pink aeropostale shirt. He wore it for a while Saturday and Sunday. He wore it to school this morning, but first he had to spray it with fabreeze. He said it didn't smell, but he wanted it to be fresh.
I can't believe he's getting so grown up. He thanked me many times for our shopping trip. We've done errands together, but we've never shopped together. It was a fun experience for both of us. I'm trying to think of other things just the two of us can do. I know it will get easier with Abby as she gets older.
Its an adjustment for all of us, but hopefully we will all keep happy in the long run.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
New Invention
I have a new concept for fashion designers everywhere....
Woman's pants that have the inside, pull, button tabs like childrens pants do! Especially for those woman who are post partum.
I'm having trouble with my pants, can you tell?
I decided that when I came back to work, I would treat myself to all new pants. Most of the non-maternity pants that I had had seen me through all of our IF journey and I just didn't want to be reminded of that every single day. I knew being only a few weeks post baby, that my weight would change, but I was desperate. I was not wearing those pants again, and I was not going back to work in maternity pants!
I'm not as thin as I once was. I gained 30 pounds during the pregnancy. I probably could stand to lose 15 and feel really good about myself. I'll take 10. I know it takes time and I shoudn't have expected the weight to fall off immediately. Its slowly coming down. I'm not actively trying to lose it anyway. I'm still insanely hungry all the time. I'm trying to curb cravings and eat more healthy snacks though.
But back to the topic, my pants. So I bought several new pairs of pants and jeans to wear post baby. In the store they fit fabulously. I'm oddly shaped with short legs, wider hips, and full thighs. So I'm a tough fit. I was delighted to find things that worked for me. And a plus, they were stylish! And afforable!
However, 6 weeks post purchase, the pants are a little loose. I don't think I've lost much, but just enough I guess to make them a big saggy. So now, I find myself tugging at them, pulling them up so I don't step on the bottoms. It could be weight loss, but I also find that straight out of the washer/dryer, they fit great again. So I think the little amount of stretch they put into the material, turns in to a big stretch over the course of a few wearings.
I wish they would put a disclaimer tag on them when you're shopping. Hey Woman!.... These pants are going to give a little, so its ok if they are a little tight right now in the store. You'll feel so much better once you wear them a few times. Trust Me!
I also wish they would put those tabs in them like childrens pants. The ones that cinch in the waist, so you can wear them for a while. Why hasn't anyone done this yet? I don't need much taken in, just a little. A tab on the inside would be perfect.
Of course, I could wear a belt. But then I would have to tuck my shirt in. Because a shirt over a belt just emphasizes your waist. Tucking currently isn't in style. Also, my belts are all to small anyways right now.
I'm in a terrible predicament. Whatever shall I do?
Woman's pants that have the inside, pull, button tabs like childrens pants do! Especially for those woman who are post partum.
I'm having trouble with my pants, can you tell?
I decided that when I came back to work, I would treat myself to all new pants. Most of the non-maternity pants that I had had seen me through all of our IF journey and I just didn't want to be reminded of that every single day. I knew being only a few weeks post baby, that my weight would change, but I was desperate. I was not wearing those pants again, and I was not going back to work in maternity pants!
I'm not as thin as I once was. I gained 30 pounds during the pregnancy. I probably could stand to lose 15 and feel really good about myself. I'll take 10. I know it takes time and I shoudn't have expected the weight to fall off immediately. Its slowly coming down. I'm not actively trying to lose it anyway. I'm still insanely hungry all the time. I'm trying to curb cravings and eat more healthy snacks though.
But back to the topic, my pants. So I bought several new pairs of pants and jeans to wear post baby. In the store they fit fabulously. I'm oddly shaped with short legs, wider hips, and full thighs. So I'm a tough fit. I was delighted to find things that worked for me. And a plus, they were stylish! And afforable!
However, 6 weeks post purchase, the pants are a little loose. I don't think I've lost much, but just enough I guess to make them a big saggy. So now, I find myself tugging at them, pulling them up so I don't step on the bottoms. It could be weight loss, but I also find that straight out of the washer/dryer, they fit great again. So I think the little amount of stretch they put into the material, turns in to a big stretch over the course of a few wearings.
I wish they would put a disclaimer tag on them when you're shopping. Hey Woman!.... These pants are going to give a little, so its ok if they are a little tight right now in the store. You'll feel so much better once you wear them a few times. Trust Me!
I also wish they would put those tabs in them like childrens pants. The ones that cinch in the waist, so you can wear them for a while. Why hasn't anyone done this yet? I don't need much taken in, just a little. A tab on the inside would be perfect.
Of course, I could wear a belt. But then I would have to tuck my shirt in. Because a shirt over a belt just emphasizes your waist. Tucking currently isn't in style. Also, my belts are all to small anyways right now.
I'm in a terrible predicament. Whatever shall I do?
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Looking back
I've just spent the past thirty minutes reading posts I made last year at this time.
Last year, at this time, I was at my lowest point. IVF #2 had failed. The tax accountant slapped us with a huge bill. I didn't qualify for the biopsy study. I was a hormonal, emotional mess.
Who knew what a difference I year could make? Who knew that in my darkest moment, my greatest joy would come?
As I snuggled with Abby this morning, I really wanted time to stop so I could just stay there. With her little head burrowing into my neck. Her sweet smell from her bath the night before. Her deep, soft breathing. Her little arms finally reaching around and holding my neck. I just want to stay there.
I'm almost in tears reading last years posts. The emotion is so raw. Blogging has been such a good outlet for me. Even if no one reads it. Its a place were I can retreat to when I need it. A place where I can remember (even if I don't ever want to) the ups and downs in my life.
Last year, at this time, I was at my lowest point. IVF #2 had failed. The tax accountant slapped us with a huge bill. I didn't qualify for the biopsy study. I was a hormonal, emotional mess.
Who knew what a difference I year could make? Who knew that in my darkest moment, my greatest joy would come?
As I snuggled with Abby this morning, I really wanted time to stop so I could just stay there. With her little head burrowing into my neck. Her sweet smell from her bath the night before. Her deep, soft breathing. Her little arms finally reaching around and holding my neck. I just want to stay there.
I'm almost in tears reading last years posts. The emotion is so raw. Blogging has been such a good outlet for me. Even if no one reads it. Its a place were I can retreat to when I need it. A place where I can remember (even if I don't ever want to) the ups and downs in my life.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Throat Punch
Abby has developed a new trick. Every time we nurse to the left, she likes to jab me in the throat. The entire time! Sometimes its hard and it takes my breath away.
I'm started telling her no, and putting her arm down. I'll hold her hand back out of the way, but she will fidget it loose.
Its weird that its only on the one side. When she nurses from the right, her arm is fine. As is my throat!
I'm started telling her no, and putting her arm down. I'll hold her hand back out of the way, but she will fidget it loose.
Its weird that its only on the one side. When she nurses from the right, her arm is fine. As is my throat!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)