Mother Nature

My mother in law has a small farm of miniature donkeys.  There is 14 or so of these little creatures roaming the pasture between her house and ours.  They are no burden to us.  They are far enough away from our house we can't hear them, or smell them.  They are all friendly.  They will come to the fence when you walk by.  The will nip at your pants when you go into the pasture.  They are loving pets.

Yesterday I got word that one was having a baby.  After I got home and did my chores, I walked up to the barn hoping to see the new baby.  I was surprised to see Missy still in labor.  And she wasn't looking good.  Things had stalled and the vet was on the way.  She laid down in her stall.  Occasionally rolling around in agony.  She would periodically stand up.  I felt the need to stay with her.  Maybe a mothering instinct.  When she would stand, I would pat her head or rub her ears.  I would talk to her and tell her what a good job she was doing. 

Once the vet arrived he didn't feel optimistic about the situation either.  He said he could save Missy, but the baby is probably already gone.  They sedated her and was able to extract the baby.  The tiny Jennette had worked herself breech.  There was no way Missy was going to birth her alone.  As feared, the baby wasn't alive, but Missy would make a full recovery. 

When I left, I walked home through the woods and I stopped to smell the air.  To take a moment to process it all.  I was heartbroken for Missy.  I knew she would be missing her baby.  She experienced my biggest fear.  She carried that baby for 14 months and now its gone.  I'm not traumatized by the event.  I stayed on my own free will.  I wanted to see what would happen, I wanted to be the moral support for Missy that I knew I would need if I was in that situation.  I know she can't speak, but she can listen.  She needed to hear comforting things, to be reassured that everything would be ok. 

Every day, every thing is a blessing.  I gave Abby a good rub as I stood there in the woods.  She responded with a pat back.  They say there is nothing stronger than an bond between a mother and a child, and only mothers understand that.  I believe that's true.  I think Abby knows what I need and when I need it.  She was active while I talked to Missy.  Kinda of like a reminder that I'm doing the right thing.  Like I had my own little cheerleader helping me. 

At my check up this morning it was amazing to once again hear her heartbeat.  A sweet sound following by gentle kicking to let me know everything is ok.

Amazing Grace

Yesterday, a sweet friend of mine went into Labor and Delivery to have her miracle.

Heather and I have never met in person.  We became friends on a photography forum.  There was a sub forum for Infertility and some how we hit it off.  We are the same age but we have different diagnosis.  It didn't matter, the journey's had been the same.  She was very comforting through my first IVF.  When it came time for her IVF, I cheered her on, sending her good luck notes, and even a special care package.  I was delighted that her first was successful.

She's picked me up when I have been at my lowest.  Even though we only communicate through facebook, or text message, she is my savior.  She understands the true heart ache of infertility and the continuing anxiety it brings into pregnancy. She has never once thought I was being irrational.  She said pleasing words time and time again as I fell deeper and deeper.  And the day of my BFP, she was one of the first to know, complete with pictures of pee sticks.  She was and still is my biggest cheerleader.  Hundreds of miles away, cheering me on.

As she went into the hospital yesterday, I sent her one last message of encouragement.  I told her that day is the day she had been waiting for.  All the needles, the poking, the prodding are all done and the pain is in the past.  The painful part is over. 

I didn't really feel the impact of that statement until later that morning.  We were sitting in church, the organist and pianist playing a duet of Amazing Grace.  I wanted to cry right there.  It was true.  All the pain of infertility was much more intense then that which would come with child birth.  I'm not fearful of delivery, and maybe this is why.  I know what I've been through and how physically and emotionally hard it has been to get there.  At the point of delivery, I am ready.

I still waiting to hear word on Baby Boys arrival.  I don't want to pester too much.  I know she will tell me as soon as she can.  All I can do now is pray for a safe arrival into the world. 

Spot Check

So here I am, over 24 weeks in (20 of those known weeks), and every time I go to the bathroom, I still check for blood. 

Every.single.time.

I have a feeling that's not going to stop.

Woah!

Every time I get a glimpse of my reflection, I have the same response.  Woah!  Is that really me?

Gene does the same thing.  Now its more of a joke between us.  But I do catch him off guard,  a lot.  He did mention this weekend that I look no different from the back.  Thanks sunshine!  He said from the side though, is a whole different picture.

I, of course, feel huge.  My co workers have mixed responses.  One, who was recently pregnant, comforted me by telling me I don't look big at all.  But one, always has to ask how far along I am and then seems shocked when that number isn't as far as she thought it was.  I try to not obsess over it.

I feel like the bottomless pit.  I could eat all the time.  Anything and everything.  I don't really have one specific craving.  If I start thinking about something then it starts sounding really good, and I want it. I do try to limit those indulgences.  But its hard to deny myself ice cream, or cookies.  I try to eat salads for lunch, and whatever fresh fruit I can find.  I try not to pack my plate full at dinner time.  It seems as if I just can't get full. 

My desk drawer at work is full of snacks.  But not good (ie, healthy) snacks.  The dark chocolate peanut M&M's are my fav.  But, I can't just eat 3 or 4.  It usually turns into more than that, which is not helpful.

I weighed myself yesterday.  If you noticed on yesterdays post I didn't include my weight gain.  The number was a little high, but I also had my shoes on.  :)  I'm scared to see what I weigh in at next weeks appointment.  I've been on track lately, at least according to google and my pregnancy books. 

I'm glad to finally look pregnant.  Even if I do surprise myself.

V-Day

How far along: 24 weeks.  Technically viability day.  If I should give birth now, there is a good chance she could survive.
How big is baby:  Getting bigger by the day, I can't see me feet.

Total weight gain:

Maternity clothes:  My jeans and capri's came in last week.  I wore the capri's twice and I love them.  I finally feel stylish while pregnant!  They are a tag bit big, but I think that's ok.

Sleep: Loving it.  Except when she wakes me up with her kicking!  She seems to have become a night owl.

Best moment this week:  JJ left for the beach for the week and he patted my tummy before he left and said "Bye Abby"

Gender: Girl!

Craving: Still beer.  And lunch meat.  I think mostly because I can't have either of those.  I'm trying to follow the no unheated lunch meat rule.  Its really hard sometimes.

Movement: She tore it up in there this weekend.  Gene was able to feel her for the first time on Friday.  She was pretty active after dinner and I put his hand on my belly.  It takes it a while, but she eventually kicked.  I know the kicks will get more pronounced and he will be able to feel more of them.

Labor Signs: None, yeah!

Belly Button in or out:  Still in.  Gene asked when its gonna pop out.

Stretch marks: Still none.

What I miss: Beer and lunch meat!  Ha!

What I am looking forward to: Hearing her heartbeat again.  I go back next week for my check up.  I can't wait to hear that sweet sound again!

Milestones:  I got her room cleaned out Saturday!  It was a task, but its done and I'm so proud of myself.  Its also been painted.  I hope to get the furniture ordered one day this week.  (I have to go to the store to do it, so it depends on when I can get there!)

It's Back

Not the elephant, although its still clinging close by, its my ENERGY! 

I'm so excited not to feel so beat down all the time.  Well, I do still feel tired some, but at least its not after the simplest of tasks.

This past weekend I was finally able to clean out Abby's room!  I've been putting it off because I knew it would be labor intensive.  (Mostly just sorting through old boxes from my house that never got put away or stored away).  I was up early Saturday morning and after my relaxing start with my coffee, I tackled it.  And I finished it!  By the end of the day the room was empty!  (Well, the bed frame still needs to go away, right now its really in the hallway).

And, on Sunday, the room got painted!  It looks so different being PINK!  Its not finished yet.  We think it still needs one more coat of paint.  And we also have to add the accent strips.  But its getting there.  Once the trim goes up we can load in the furniture (which I plan to order this week). 

Baby girl was so excited to see her room come together she was dancing all over the place this weekend.  She even woke me up Saturday night. 

I still can't believe this is all real!

What's done is done

I just stood at the fax machine.  Punched in the numbers and watched the paper slide in.  I also felt my stomach drop. 

I just withdrew us from the shared risk, IVF program.  *Gulp*

I'm feeling very optimistic about this pregnancy.  I've been given a clean bill of health so far.  I've had no problems (knock on wood). Millions of women have normal pregnancies all the time.  I can have one too.

There is no turning back.  Its done.  The money will be welcomed back.  It will pay off the loan we took to do all the procedures.  We probably ended up coming out with the advantage on it all, but I haven't added it all up. 

The left over funds will be used to help get Abby all the things she will need.  Like nice furniture that will last her entire life, and other things that as a first time mom I think she needs!

As I'm typing this, Abby is kicking.  I'm taking that as a good sign.  She is showing me she is ok.  I want to hug her and snuggle her and spoil her rotten.  She is a precious gift and I always want her to know that. 

Never take anything for granted, and don't give up on your dreams.