18

18 is a much better number.  I had my baseline AFC ultrasound redone and 18 is the new number.  Why the change?  Well apparently they don't measure a lot of the smaller follicles anymore, they've adapted a stricter scale. 

So when the RE took a peak at it today, he was able to spot several smaller follicles that fell just outside of the cut off.  The RE, the IVF nurse, and the sonographer, all agreed that this new method might be too strict.  Especially for sensitive patients like me, that know too much, and FREAK out when Dr. Google has told them something different.

I did learn that last time my AFC was 21, so 18 is good for me.

Now I'm ready to get stabbed twice daily and bloat up just enough to be awkwardly unconfortable.

Mothers intuition

So I just couldn't let the 7 go.  I couldn't.  So I got up the courage and I called the nurse.  And low and behold, she didn't like it either.  She said she took the ultrasound scan back to the tech and had her recount, but the tech was firm with her choice of 7.  So, the nurse said she would speak to the doc and she would call me back.

Well guess what, he didn't buy it either.  He said there is no way that my AFC can drop that much in less than year.  Especially with an AMH as high as I had.  So he said if I wanted to I could come back in and he would re-scan me personally.  So, for piece of mind, I said YES!  She also made sure to tell me several times that he's not concerned at all that I won't respond. 

So, I'm heading back on Friday.   Its mother intuition, I just know it.

One

It takes just one right.  That's what they say.  That's what they want you to believe.  That's what I'm trying to convince myself. 

Yesterdays baseline was good.  I will say not great because I know too much and when I know too much I panic.  And panicing is what I'm doing right now.  Last IVF we retrieved 17 eggs.  We were so happy with that number.  However is reduced down to 2 great ones and one to freeze that later turned out to be crap. 

For those of you that don't know as much, here is a little lesson:
One of the scans they do pre-stim meds is to check how many dormant follicles you have in each ovary.  Its called an antral follicle count (AFC).  It gives you an idea of how many follicles (hopefully producing eggs) you will produce. 

In the past I've had an abundance of follicles.  It was something noted after the fact, that in conjunction with crappy embryo quality (subsequently linked to crappy eggs, since we specifically chose the best sperm) offered a slight change in plans for this cycle.  That change included adding a twice daily dose of Metformin in to the mix to help my insulin resistant ovaries produce higher quality eggs.

Yesterdays AFC was 7.  Just 7.  So, I'm preparing myself that we might only get 7 eggs.  We could get a few more, we could get less.  Its really hard to know at this point and I really need to start thinking faster when I am there and getting these questions answered while things are still fresh.  (I know I can call the nurse line and harass her with my questions, but the more I think about it, the more I know I'm over reacting.)

Its quality we are after not quantity.  It I only make one egg, I want it to be the best it can be.  If 7 is all I'm going to make then let them be the best 7.  Afterall, last time we really only ended up with 7 by day 3.  And from that 2 were superior and the rest were, well, ehh...

The nurse couldn't tell me if the Metformin was doing anything just yet.  I didn't want to tell her that I had googled.  Because, you know I refer to Dr. Google first.  Hence, the panic attack.  I'll never learn!

In other news, my estradiol levels are good.  I'm ready to start stims this Saturday.  I'm buckled in and ready to go.  The Lupron this morning burned like a son of a bitch and is still stinging, but I'm ready, bring on the juice.

Me, nemo, and Kayne

Its baseline day.  The day of decisions I guess.  The day you get to take a peak under the hood and see if things are ready to go. 

I've got my lucky socks on (little nemo's, "Just keep swimming"), I've got my beloved Believe necklace on and I've already rocked out to Kayne once today. 

Today is going to be a good day.

Here we go

I've boarded the ride. Well, I boarded four days ago when I started the Lupron. I accidentally left the ice pack on too long and I think I gave myself some frost bite, but live and learn. I think the warm skin from the shower and the cold of the ice made it stick to me. It hurt like a son of gun when I pulled it apart and four days later I still have a welt. Oh well. But here I am. Sitting in the fog with the frontal lobe dull ache. Tomorrow I meet the dildo cam and the vampire to check to see if it's time to get going. Come Saturday we'll go over the edge and there is no stopping till its done. I've been quite the bitch lately. I thought it was due to stress of the holiday. I didn't feel ready for Christmas. But Christmas came and went and I'm still cranky. I really think I'm just scared and I'm taking it out on everyone else. The minute I snap at someone I want to cry. I guess when you reach the bottom the only place to go is up.

Hope

I believe in destiny.  I believe in faith.  I believe things happen for reason.

I have a friend that sent me a special gift.  She could have sent anything, but she sent me something she knew I needed.  She sent me lucky socks.  Why?  Because she's been there.  She's tried to squeeze the hell out of lemons, just to make a little lemonade. 

Included was a little note that with a special hug from her miracle girl.  It made me cry. 

This time of year, I didn't need stuff, I just needed hope.  Thanks secret elf for giving me hope.

That's a nice present

My drugs are on their way to me.  What a great christmas present.  $1500 worth of drugs!  That should also come with the mega pack of toilet paper because the anxiety has already started to creep in and I have a feeling I'm going to be needed it, a lot.